...here's what's going on...

I attended a small group last night for the first time with a couple of really good friends who know what's going on right now in my life.
the rest of the group members, including the leader, don't
however, we were asked to stand if we were there needing to make a decision
and i stood
they prayed
laid hands on me
and at the end the leader of the small group came, laid his hand on my head and said
"i've been given this to share with you:
you are so intelligent
but your formulas won't fix this
put down the pen and paper
stop trying to figure it out
He is your shepherd
He will rescue you from the side of this cliff
but YOU CAN'T DO IT"
(there was more than that, but i can't remember it all)

funny how timing works
i got part of my answer this morning.
not exactly what i wanted to hear
but what i've known in my heart
was the answer
for a couple of weeks now.

i'm losing my home
the one i bought at age 23
God is "releasing" me from it

foreclosure
is an ugly word
release
is not

so i choose to be released from this
i've been fighting for nearly two years
since losing my job
and it's time to stop fighting
stop working so dang hard
(no more 9 am - 1 am the next day days two or three times in a row)
because i'm worn out
and i'm giving up

the house was never mine in the first place
it was always His
and while it hurts--deeply
to let it go
it's time.

i still don't know what the next steps are
and believe me, i want to go back to the formula and try and figure it out
but i know that i know that i know
it's going to be ok.

Thursday's Ten: Produce!

(sorry the last couple of weeks I've slacked off on this...)


We've hit that time of year where I eat SO well
because it's springtime and things that are fresh and organic and wonderful just seem like the perfect thing to eat
Farmer's Market is in full swing
Trader Joe's produce section continues to amaze...

yeah. I'm a fan.
So because food--and more specifically fresh produce--is on my mind, here are the top 10 things I get on a regular basis to snack on!

1. tomatoes. but i'm picky. they MUST be homegrown.
2. avacados. oh.my.gosh amazing. and i enjoy making my own guacamole as well, so that's a bonus!
3. pears. i always thought i hated them because i'd only had canned when i was growing up. fresh pears? nothing like the canned crap.
4. broccoli. my favorite veggie, hands down
5. carrots. i only like them raw, but they are SO good with hummus...
(yeah, i'll wait for you to go try that...)
6. oranges. arguably my favorite fruit.
7. celery. packs a nice little crunch. i know there's little flavor there, but when i'm craving chips i reach for celery and carrots first to see if i can be satisfied by a crunch instead.
8. banana. i have a tendency to buy too many of them at once and watch them turn black, but thankfully Trader Joe's sells them one at a time--even the organic ones!
9. onion and garlic. i especially love it when vidalias are in season. i'm lumping these together because, well, i use them to cook with more than to snack with...
10. plums. my parents have a plum tree, and buying a couple of plums every couple of weeks makes me a little nostalgic :)

I also love strawberries, cherries, grapes, cherry or grape tomatoes, and so much more...
what about you? what fresh foods are always at the top of your list?

Dear...

i have to take just a moment and get these out

Dear Crazy Neighbor Lady

(you who complain about dog poo being near your house when you happen to live right next to the common area where they are supposed to poo...and you who gave me an inquisition about having a car parked in MY other spot, yet have your friends park in MY space instead of your own all the time...)

I can handle a lot, but walking out of my front door and nearly stepping on the rake that was on my sidewalk, right next to my door, rake side UP? Not cool. Thank goodness I saw it, otherwise I would have surely punctured a foot. Please clean up after your adventures in gardening. I took the liberty of moving said rake to your yard (the entire foot). I'm fairly certain that's why you glared at me when I returned from the store. I'm equally certain that I don't care. My feet are intact, no thanks to you.

Sincerely,
your sane(r) neighbor


Dear American Idol,

I really do only watch for poops and giggles lately (and more often it's light on the giggles)
but comparing Adam Lambert to Elvis Presley is a stretch even for you. I honestly thought Miley Cyrus as a mentor was the worst you were going to do this season. How wrong I was!
It's over, AI
I have no more love for you.

Sincerely,
the girl who only watches for the judges comments anyway



Dear Facebook Friend who shall remain nameless

Please do a little fact checking before bringing up that tired argument and invalid link to "Obama admitting he's a Muslim". Really? First of all...religion *really* shouldn't matter in politics. Second...he professes to be a Christian just as George W. Bush does. If we believe one, we should believe the other.
(now I actually do know quite a few things about Islam. having a father who is a Muslim makes him culturally a Muslim, and one in the eyes of that particular faith. but guess what? he gets to make a choice, and unless there's been a huge revelation that I'm unaware of, he and his family are good 'ol Protestants under that Christian umbrella.)

Sincerely,
your
"I get the feeling that admitting that our current President is of the same faith as our former President...and you...scares you because you happen to not agree with him on several points and *gasp, shock* we certainly can't disagree as Christians! I mean, all Protestant denominations agree on EVERYTHING, and there is certainly no divide between Catholics and Protestants ANYWHERE in the world"
friend

Ahhhh, I feel better. Anyone you need to write an open letter to?


(ps: I'll be sure to fill you in on the more serious stuff going on in my life as soon as I know more. I'm playing the waiting game right now which is a whole other 'open letter' of it's own :)

God is SO good!

*we interrupt the recent tone of this blog to gush just a little*

tonight in the midst of all the turmoil that threatens
(even though it has not enveloped my life--i have SUCH a hedge of prayer protection)
i was invited by a good friend to go to a worship service at her church for 20s/30s

tonight was a different sort of night there
which none of us knew was going to happen
but it was SUCH a God-thing that i was there

and the speaker tonight was from Africa
grew up in a small village
the son of the witch doctor
and one night, at the age of 15
he heard an audible voice telling him to leave his village
and he did

never having heard of Jesus
only knowing the spirit world
but he went
he was obedient
he didn't even tell his family goodbye
just went to the hut of his best friend and told him he was leaving
to which the friend replied
"i will go where you go"

and they went
and just as they were going to turn back and go home
(because they didn't know where they were going)
they realized that they were hopelessly lost
they wandered for two weeks
never finding the trail
or their village

and one day they arrived at another village
where there was a man waiting underneath a certain tree
who said "i've been waiting for you.
come to my house for a meal"

you see, he had dreamed the night before
that two boys would come out of the jungle
and that he was to introduce them to Jesus

and he did
and to this day this man has never stopped following that voice

it was an amazing story
miracles happen today
he was supernaturally given the true gift of tongues--17 languages that he has never studied
(because when he studies them he can't wrap his mind around them)
that's how he was speaking to us
because God gave him English

isn't that amazing?

anyway, i went tonight with a bit of hurt in my heart
knowing that i'm being released from some things
knowing that the obedient step is to let go of some things
some really important (so i thought) things
and after tonight i realize
i'm giving up my keys
(kind of literally, actually)

you see, the man at the end of his speaking to us told us that he had had a vision before walking onto the platform tonight
he saw a clothesline
filled with keys
of all kinds
and they were for US to grab tonight
God's keys
to the amazing work He wants to do through us and in us
keys to governments, evangelism, reconciliation, peace
keys to whatever He wants us to do
and we were supposed to reach out in faith

(those of you who aren't used to quite the charismatic experience--i'm one of you. but trust me, God was telling me through this whole experience that THIS was HIM.)

and at the end
we grabbed our keys
and the man walked through our assembly
laying hands on us all
i was weeping
and laughing
all at once

because GOD IS GOOD
and He's revealing Himself
and His plan
to me in shovelfuls right now

i'm giving up my keys
but i'm receiving God's keys
and they are SO MUCH BETTER than my keys!

and i have to let go of the things that bind me
in order for Him to work

(this is getting long, i know)

before the man got up to speak, this is what i was writing
i think i was preparing for what i was about to hear:

i am to be a 24/7 house of worship and prayer
back to praying at hospitals
i am to travel
to spread His love
to pray over the places and situations i am sent to

making connections
blogging connections
prayers
amazing things
that God is DOING

..... (more of a private bit of what i feel i am being prepared for) ...

but until then
i am to travel
and spread His love

whether it's around Nashville
Tennessee
the US
or the world

you guys, literally as soon as i had written that, the speaker got up and the FIRST VERSE he shared with us was this one:

Exodus 23:20
Behold I send an angel before you to keep you in the way and to bring you into the place which I have prepared

and in response to that i wrote

God has prepared my way

God knows where i'm going
and He is already there!!!

be encouraged today
God knows you too
and He knows your way

i don't know what all this means for me just yet
but i feel like God is preparing me
stripping me of what i thought mattered
to reveal this big huge open door
that He has for me

and it might not be great and marvelous in the eyes of anyone else
and certainly not the world at large
but it's going to be amazing for me
because it's letting God in
in all the dark corners of my life and heart and soul
it's letting Him permeate my being
soak me all over

it's amazing, this journey, y'all...

join me, won't you?

you'll pardon this slight reference to LOST..

Whatever happened, happened.


Ah, Eloise.

the character who seemingly is privy to the most information
utters the most infuriatingly simple phrase
over
and over

"whatever happened, happened."

and that infuriatingly simple phrase
has become a comfort to me somehow over the last few days.

you see, i know Someone who is privy to all the information
more than i will ever know
and i've entrusted my future to Him

and through the chaos that has threatened in the last week and a half
i have remained calm
because

what happened, happened
and i can't do anything to change it
(even if i tried, i might set off another bomb)

all i can do is weigh my options for the future
and trust that One who knows all.

while i'm still not ready to divulge any specific information
please know that i'm doing ok
i really am
i have teary moments
and moments of frustration

but shame, guilt, anguish, and heartache
those have stayed away
and that's because so many of you are praying

please continue those prayers
i should find out the information tomorrow that will set me spinning off in one direction or another
and after i've processed
i'll share here.

i love you all
and i'm sorry i've been absent on your blogs
that will change

...processing...

Who Told You You Were Naked?

one of my favorite bloggers reposted this last week and I had to laugh at the timing.
if you didn't read it last week (or the first time around) it's worth the time. go ahead...i'll wait :0)

i was amazed when i read it again.
you see, the first time i read it (a year or so ago) i was convicted. on the heels of a job loss, with few prospects, i had felt my share of shame and "not good enough-ness".
it helped me put some things in perspective.
and i can honestly say that i was able to put the shame to rest.

last week, on the heels of something i could definitely feel some serious shame about
where i've made some mistakes
that could have some pretty huge ramifications
(even though it's not totally my fault...but it's my fault that i didn't check on the other party's responsibilities....eh, this isn't going to make sense until i just tell you what's going on so never mind)

and even though i told my boyfriend on the phone the night that i found out about what's going down that i felt "stupid" and like i'd failed
(and i may have mentioned that to the minister i spoke with later that night too)
the truth is, except for those initial moments
i haven't felt ashamed
or embarrassed
or alone

i've just felt loved and supported
and like things are going to work out exactly the way they are supposed to.

i guess what i'm saying is that even though i've been told i'm naked
i'm no longer ashamed


(now, if you haven't read that post i linked to you might want to. otherwise you'll get the wrong idea about the nakie thing ;)

((again, i covet and feel your prayers and thank you. only a bit longer and i'll hopefully be able to share with you what we've been praying for. it's an adventure...that is for sure!))

We Interrupt this Regular Blogging to Participate In...

The “Is that contestant on American Idol a Christian? Scorecard”

94. They sing a Carman song during the show = +2 points (Ohhh, stakes are higher here. During the show is where folks get tempted to "dial back" the God a little bit.)

To add up your score with over a 130 other ideas on this scorecard, visit stuffchristianslike.net.

(and Jon of SCL)

...the Easter promise...

because HE lives
i can face tomorrow

and tomorrow
(both literally the day and figuratively the next few days/weeks)
promises many things
fear
uncertainty
tumultuous times

some really heavy things on my heart
some really big
and hard
decisions to be made
(and made *for* me)

through the last few days
i've felt sadness
uncertainty
but through it all
calm

it's not a peace that i can claim that originates from me
believe me, when i tell you the whole story
(and i will)
you will understand

i cannot POSSIBLY be this calm
this peaceful
this resigned

it is only through Christ in me

and that is what Easter means to me this year
that because HE lives
i can face tomorrow
and every moment
every obstacle
every joy-stealer
it hurls my way

it's an old song
that we sang in my home church
every Easter
one that would sometimes make me roll my eyes
because of the repetition

funny that it's been a constant refrain in my soul all day today
(even though my church home now has never sang it that i know of)

because He lives

because HE lives.





(please keep the prayers coming. i still need them. and i can feel them...and thank you for that)

Thursday's Ten: U-Pick 10

Hey all. Coming to you late today. I'm dealing with a lot today, so I'm not really "here"...and am a bit sleep-deprived, so I didn't come up with a fantastic topic like usual (yeah right!)



You know how Panera has the "U-Pick 2" deal? I always get french onion soup and half a sandwich...

Anyway, this is your own U-Pick list. Your topic, your ideas, your blog. I'm going to list 10 random things that are on my mind, but you go with whatever. Ok? :0)

1. I have a 30 before I'm 30 list. Hopefully I'll post it while I'm still 29.
2. I had dinner at 11:45 last night. Mmmm, healthy.
3. Easter is my favorite holiday of the year, candywise at least. (Christmas is really. But Easter has Cadbury mini eggs. And jelly beans. Ahhh)
4. Laffy Taffy has the WORST jokes on their packages. Do 5 year olds work there?
5. When I get a sinus infection my ear piercings get infected. How odd is that?
6. I love shows like "The Middle" and "Parks and Recreation". They did their research on rural Indiana...
7. I could do a 5K every week of the year. It's really hard to limit when there's so many I want to do...but the cost helps me there :-)
8. I did a bracket for the NCAA this year. First year in a long time. I may have caught the basketball bug again...uh-oh
9. I'm loving the Wii. I borrowed Mario Galaxy from a friend and I'm totally addicted (actually Anthony borrowed it, asked said friend if I could borrow it too...does that mean I borrowed it from Anthony or our friend or both?)
10. I've been craving a strawberry Italian cream soda for about a week. Must.find.strawberry.syrup to make one. World Market here I come!

Can I add a bonus? The Windows 7 commercials drive.me.crazy. Could it be because I've switched over to Mac or are they really that DANG ANNOYING?!

Ok. I can't really muster up more than that today. I love you all and still need your prayers and I work through some pretty major stuff.