exhaustion

having to be out of this house in a 10 day turn around
the first two days of which i spent working all.day.long
making it an 8 day turn around
quite plainly, sucks

don't get me wrong--i'm still so grateful for God's grace
and abundance in this situation

but it still hurts to say goodbye to this house that i cherished
painted, decorated, loved
repaired,
bought furniture to fit, cherished, planted gardens

and right now my muscles are screaming
my body aches
and i can't remember the last night i slept for more than 4-5 hours

i've had some help
more "troops" coming in tomorrow
(quite honestly i'm embarrassed by what a disaster zone the house currently is)
swallow the pride
accept the help
accept the not knowing what's in each box
because i don't have the time to lovingly, luxuriously pack each one
and others are kind enough to do it for me

right now
i really worry that i won't be done in time

but i know it'll happen
even if i take most of this crap to the dump!

prayers for my stamina, strength, and patience would be much appreciated
and mourning--i haven't mourned the loss of this place just yet and i'm not positive when i'll be able to do that.

off to bed now--perhaps i can get 5 hours of sleep tonight :0)
troops arrive at 9 am
must.be.up.

earth day at least deserves a mention...

although i feel kinda awful because i've spent the majority of it filling up trash bags to go to the dump or trash bins.
ah well.
i DID make a recycling run too. and i'll make another one tomorrow. and likely another one saturday.

ah well. once i get moved i'll go back to my normal good-girl cloth napkin, cfl, recycling bin ways. and maybe even come up with a few more ways to help out this earth God has put us in charge of :)

Thursday's Ten: Things I'm Discovering Through...

I know we're not all in the same situations right now, so adapt this to what you're doing right now
(things i'm discovering through pregnancy, mommyhood, running, new job, whatever)



mine?

Ten Things I'm Discovering Through Moving
(some of which i already knew but have been reminded of)

1. I'm a horrid packrat.
2. No one needs this many buttons, safety pins, or receipts.
3. Help is golden.
4. I don't care nearly as much about being organized when I have a deadline to meet. Throw it in a box and sort it out later!
5. Dishwashers breaking when one needs to wash a load and a half of dishes sucks. However, if you no longer OWN said dishwasher...oh well! :)
6. Breaks are golden too.
7. No matter how prepared I am, or how much time I have to move, I am STILL in panic mode at the end. This move I wasn't prepared at ALL (literally found out 10 days before the moveout day that I had to be out that day) and I'm not nearly as stressed. Why? Because I'm prioritizing. Those things that are precious and valuable to me are already packed or earmarked to be with me. Those things that aren't I couldn't care less about. Dump and Nashville Rescue Mission--both will be bursting at the seams with my donations on Friday!
(I guarantee you I won't be such a packrat in the future. Sentimental? Yes. But for scrapbooking and stuff. Not for stupid things that don't matter.)
8. Ellen playing on the DVR while I'm packing in the living room = priceless.
9. There isn't enough caffeine in the house.
10. I'm going to be a much better person for this move. :0)

God's Formula

part two of an amazing continuing God-story

allow me to recreate a conversation that happened yesterday, between a friend of mine and me. you'll play my friend.

remember how i told you on friday that i felt like the answer, the solution, was something that no one had thought of yet?
that no one had imagined yet?
do you also remember that i told you i felt like someone in my network of churches had a property that they needed taken care of?
that somehow we would work out a mutually beneficial arrangement?
well

yesterday (saturday) morning anthony called me after i taught my first voice lesson of the day
he said
"when you come over tonight, dad has a proposition for you of a living arrangement...that could include emi"
(emi and i being separated has been the hardest part of this whole thing for me. many tears shed)
he went on to say these exact words:
"it's a scenario i had never even imagined would be a possibility"

it was at that point that i said, "um, i need to tell you something.
i told laura and meghan both last night that i felt like the solution to the problem was something none of us had thought of yet."
he got really quiet
and after a moment said
"ok, that's really freaky."

so i went on about my day, met my friend lajuana who was in town for a wedding reception--and she brought me boxes from their move, taught another lesson, and then anthony and i headed to his parents for dinner.

after everyone had cleared out from dinner and we had finished watching...whatever sport was on that night (i believe it was the twenty (20!) inning baseball game...)
anthony's dad proceeded to tell me

how his father (anthony's grandfather)
has an early form of Parkinson's as well as a dementia they are certain is Alzheimer's
anthony's grandmother is already in an assisted living facility
and while the family knows that eventually he will probably have to move there as well
they also want to honor his desire to stay in his home as long as possible

however, he's been doing some dangerous and scary things lately
which could just be stress with his wife's recent health scares and with anthony's other grandfather's sickness and death (they were friends)
or it could be his dementia worsening

there is a doctor's appointment soon
first part of may
to do some testing and analysis to see what exactly is going on

he has a caregiver
who comes to the house daily through the week
she cooks breakfast and lunch for him
and leaves him a dinner that he doesn't have to cook
(normally a sandwich)
and she takes care of his bathing, dressing, etc
he loves having her around
(she's been there for at least 2 years)
and they are even going to increase her hours a bit while they figure out exactly what's going on

so david (anthony's father)
was quick to tell me that what they really need
is someone to act as a caretaker for the house
not to keep an eye on his father necessarily
(although i would be there to know if something crazy happened in the middle of the night!)
but to keep an eye on the house
and take care of it

are you getting the picture?
someone closer to me than i would have imagined
described to me the exact scenario that i KNEW would happen
i just had no idea it would come this quickly
or from a source so close

anthony's father went on to say
that if his father has to be moved to a facility in the near future
they would still appreciate it if i would stay in the house
because with the way medicare and all that works
they can't sell the house until after both his parents pass away

he went on to say
that even if i start working full-time again
they would like me to stay
because that way they won't have to find someone else
AND i can squirrel away my money and start rebuilding what was lost to me over the last 20 months.

isn't God amazing?
on the way out to the car i looked at anthony and said
"um, i have to tell you something else
i also told laura and meghan
that i felt like someone had a property they needed taken care of..."
this literally stopped him in his tracks
as he said "you've GOT to tell mom and dad this"

well, i haven't had a chance to tell them
but i will
and i didn't want to leave you hanging :)

anthony and i went to the house yesterday
i'm going to have a great setup
where emi and i will live in the bottom half of the house
they're moving furniture out so that i can move my stuff in and feel right at home
we'll even have our own entrance next to the carport
(it's a tri-level split level)
i'll have to go upstairs to cook and stuff
but the top floor will be all his so he doesn't feel like i'm closing in on his space
i like that :)

OH, but i will have to go to the tip-top floor once in awhile
you see, there's this great deck
on top of the carport
and on that deck
i can put my patio furniture
including my chaise
so that i can sun
ahhhhhh
oh and my herb garden?
it can live there too
or under the carport
depending on how much sun the deck gets all day long

and i'll grow my vegetables too
(his grandpa is actually kind of excited about that)

all the things i was mourning the loss of
emi--restored
my garden--restored
the use of a piano--restored--it's in the portion of the house i'll be living in, and his grandpa is looking forward to it being played again :0)

i'm so thankful
for a God who asks me to be obedient
to put down the pen and paper
and stop with the formulas

because He has one in the works
that is SO much better.

(ps...david was awakened at 4 am on saturday with this idea. so it truly was an idea that had never been thought of on friday :)

Stop with the Formulas

part one of an amazing story

i was given the "word" to stop with the formulas on thursday night
friday morning i found out that i have 10 days to vacate the property, and will receive a nice sum of money if i do in that amount of time
and if i choose not to do that i'll just wait around for a sherrif's notice of eviction
clearly i'm taking the cash for keys!

but with the new information came the temptation
to start again with the formulas
and for awhile i gave in
i started on craigslist
looking at sublets, apartments and houses for rent
taking note of the prices
"for the future"

anthony texted and started helping with several pros and cons
of the many generous offers i've had of people's guest rooms and couches
then we got on the phone and started having a conversation with more and more ideas
trying to help me make sense of where to go from here
until i finally told him

STOP

i'm not supposed to be coming up with formulas, remember?
i feel like i need to be obedient to that
i need to get off craigslist
i need to not hear the pros and cons of places to go
i love and appreciate that you're thinking and problem solving
continue to do that
please
but write it down
i can't think about this until sunday
(remember that, it's important)

later in the day
i told two separate friends
that i felt like the answer to this
is one that none of us know about yet
one that no one has yet considered

i told them further
that i felt like somewhere
in my network of Christian friends
spanning several churches wide
that there was someone
somewhere
who has a property
that they need taken care of
that they will offer me a mutually beneficial arrangement
where i will live at a reduced rate
and in return be helping them with things that need to be taken care of
that they will see it as an opportunity for service
and that i can serve them in some way too

i knew that this idea was not from me
because lora is a planner
she thinks, and formulates, and comes up with solutions
everything fits nicely and neatly together

(at least that was lora before august 2008)

so for me to say
"someone has a property?"
"i'm going to be taken care of"

that's SO not me.

it HAS to be God.

...to be continued...

...here's what's going on...

I attended a small group last night for the first time with a couple of really good friends who know what's going on right now in my life.
the rest of the group members, including the leader, don't
however, we were asked to stand if we were there needing to make a decision
and i stood
they prayed
laid hands on me
and at the end the leader of the small group came, laid his hand on my head and said
"i've been given this to share with you:
you are so intelligent
but your formulas won't fix this
put down the pen and paper
stop trying to figure it out
He is your shepherd
He will rescue you from the side of this cliff
but YOU CAN'T DO IT"
(there was more than that, but i can't remember it all)

funny how timing works
i got part of my answer this morning.
not exactly what i wanted to hear
but what i've known in my heart
was the answer
for a couple of weeks now.

i'm losing my home
the one i bought at age 23
God is "releasing" me from it

foreclosure
is an ugly word
release
is not

so i choose to be released from this
i've been fighting for nearly two years
since losing my job
and it's time to stop fighting
stop working so dang hard
(no more 9 am - 1 am the next day days two or three times in a row)
because i'm worn out
and i'm giving up

the house was never mine in the first place
it was always His
and while it hurts--deeply
to let it go
it's time.

i still don't know what the next steps are
and believe me, i want to go back to the formula and try and figure it out
but i know that i know that i know
it's going to be ok.

Thursday's Ten: Produce!

(sorry the last couple of weeks I've slacked off on this...)


We've hit that time of year where I eat SO well
because it's springtime and things that are fresh and organic and wonderful just seem like the perfect thing to eat
Farmer's Market is in full swing
Trader Joe's produce section continues to amaze...

yeah. I'm a fan.
So because food--and more specifically fresh produce--is on my mind, here are the top 10 things I get on a regular basis to snack on!

1. tomatoes. but i'm picky. they MUST be homegrown.
2. avacados. oh.my.gosh amazing. and i enjoy making my own guacamole as well, so that's a bonus!
3. pears. i always thought i hated them because i'd only had canned when i was growing up. fresh pears? nothing like the canned crap.
4. broccoli. my favorite veggie, hands down
5. carrots. i only like them raw, but they are SO good with hummus...
(yeah, i'll wait for you to go try that...)
6. oranges. arguably my favorite fruit.
7. celery. packs a nice little crunch. i know there's little flavor there, but when i'm craving chips i reach for celery and carrots first to see if i can be satisfied by a crunch instead.
8. banana. i have a tendency to buy too many of them at once and watch them turn black, but thankfully Trader Joe's sells them one at a time--even the organic ones!
9. onion and garlic. i especially love it when vidalias are in season. i'm lumping these together because, well, i use them to cook with more than to snack with...
10. plums. my parents have a plum tree, and buying a couple of plums every couple of weeks makes me a little nostalgic :)

I also love strawberries, cherries, grapes, cherry or grape tomatoes, and so much more...
what about you? what fresh foods are always at the top of your list?

Dear...

i have to take just a moment and get these out

Dear Crazy Neighbor Lady

(you who complain about dog poo being near your house when you happen to live right next to the common area where they are supposed to poo...and you who gave me an inquisition about having a car parked in MY other spot, yet have your friends park in MY space instead of your own all the time...)

I can handle a lot, but walking out of my front door and nearly stepping on the rake that was on my sidewalk, right next to my door, rake side UP? Not cool. Thank goodness I saw it, otherwise I would have surely punctured a foot. Please clean up after your adventures in gardening. I took the liberty of moving said rake to your yard (the entire foot). I'm fairly certain that's why you glared at me when I returned from the store. I'm equally certain that I don't care. My feet are intact, no thanks to you.

Sincerely,
your sane(r) neighbor


Dear American Idol,

I really do only watch for poops and giggles lately (and more often it's light on the giggles)
but comparing Adam Lambert to Elvis Presley is a stretch even for you. I honestly thought Miley Cyrus as a mentor was the worst you were going to do this season. How wrong I was!
It's over, AI
I have no more love for you.

Sincerely,
the girl who only watches for the judges comments anyway



Dear Facebook Friend who shall remain nameless

Please do a little fact checking before bringing up that tired argument and invalid link to "Obama admitting he's a Muslim". Really? First of all...religion *really* shouldn't matter in politics. Second...he professes to be a Christian just as George W. Bush does. If we believe one, we should believe the other.
(now I actually do know quite a few things about Islam. having a father who is a Muslim makes him culturally a Muslim, and one in the eyes of that particular faith. but guess what? he gets to make a choice, and unless there's been a huge revelation that I'm unaware of, he and his family are good 'ol Protestants under that Christian umbrella.)

Sincerely,
your
"I get the feeling that admitting that our current President is of the same faith as our former President...and you...scares you because you happen to not agree with him on several points and *gasp, shock* we certainly can't disagree as Christians! I mean, all Protestant denominations agree on EVERYTHING, and there is certainly no divide between Catholics and Protestants ANYWHERE in the world"
friend

Ahhhh, I feel better. Anyone you need to write an open letter to?


(ps: I'll be sure to fill you in on the more serious stuff going on in my life as soon as I know more. I'm playing the waiting game right now which is a whole other 'open letter' of it's own :)

God is SO good!

*we interrupt the recent tone of this blog to gush just a little*

tonight in the midst of all the turmoil that threatens
(even though it has not enveloped my life--i have SUCH a hedge of prayer protection)
i was invited by a good friend to go to a worship service at her church for 20s/30s

tonight was a different sort of night there
which none of us knew was going to happen
but it was SUCH a God-thing that i was there

and the speaker tonight was from Africa
grew up in a small village
the son of the witch doctor
and one night, at the age of 15
he heard an audible voice telling him to leave his village
and he did

never having heard of Jesus
only knowing the spirit world
but he went
he was obedient
he didn't even tell his family goodbye
just went to the hut of his best friend and told him he was leaving
to which the friend replied
"i will go where you go"

and they went
and just as they were going to turn back and go home
(because they didn't know where they were going)
they realized that they were hopelessly lost
they wandered for two weeks
never finding the trail
or their village

and one day they arrived at another village
where there was a man waiting underneath a certain tree
who said "i've been waiting for you.
come to my house for a meal"

you see, he had dreamed the night before
that two boys would come out of the jungle
and that he was to introduce them to Jesus

and he did
and to this day this man has never stopped following that voice

it was an amazing story
miracles happen today
he was supernaturally given the true gift of tongues--17 languages that he has never studied
(because when he studies them he can't wrap his mind around them)
that's how he was speaking to us
because God gave him English

isn't that amazing?

anyway, i went tonight with a bit of hurt in my heart
knowing that i'm being released from some things
knowing that the obedient step is to let go of some things
some really important (so i thought) things
and after tonight i realize
i'm giving up my keys
(kind of literally, actually)

you see, the man at the end of his speaking to us told us that he had had a vision before walking onto the platform tonight
he saw a clothesline
filled with keys
of all kinds
and they were for US to grab tonight
God's keys
to the amazing work He wants to do through us and in us
keys to governments, evangelism, reconciliation, peace
keys to whatever He wants us to do
and we were supposed to reach out in faith

(those of you who aren't used to quite the charismatic experience--i'm one of you. but trust me, God was telling me through this whole experience that THIS was HIM.)

and at the end
we grabbed our keys
and the man walked through our assembly
laying hands on us all
i was weeping
and laughing
all at once

because GOD IS GOOD
and He's revealing Himself
and His plan
to me in shovelfuls right now

i'm giving up my keys
but i'm receiving God's keys
and they are SO MUCH BETTER than my keys!

and i have to let go of the things that bind me
in order for Him to work

(this is getting long, i know)

before the man got up to speak, this is what i was writing
i think i was preparing for what i was about to hear:

i am to be a 24/7 house of worship and prayer
back to praying at hospitals
i am to travel
to spread His love
to pray over the places and situations i am sent to

making connections
blogging connections
prayers
amazing things
that God is DOING

..... (more of a private bit of what i feel i am being prepared for) ...

but until then
i am to travel
and spread His love

whether it's around Nashville
Tennessee
the US
or the world

you guys, literally as soon as i had written that, the speaker got up and the FIRST VERSE he shared with us was this one:

Exodus 23:20
Behold I send an angel before you to keep you in the way and to bring you into the place which I have prepared

and in response to that i wrote

God has prepared my way

God knows where i'm going
and He is already there!!!

be encouraged today
God knows you too
and He knows your way

i don't know what all this means for me just yet
but i feel like God is preparing me
stripping me of what i thought mattered
to reveal this big huge open door
that He has for me

and it might not be great and marvelous in the eyes of anyone else
and certainly not the world at large
but it's going to be amazing for me
because it's letting God in
in all the dark corners of my life and heart and soul
it's letting Him permeate my being
soak me all over

it's amazing, this journey, y'all...

join me, won't you?