monday's memory: the one with the return home

ok, it's been awhile. so i'm just jumping back in. and i'm going to use my normal "monday memory" slot to catch up on what's been happening in our lives the past couple of years.

so.

i worked at an amazing inclusive preschool for 4 years. i learned SO.MUCH there about myself, about managing others, about children with needs far beyond what i would have imagined, and about dealing with the drama of working with a staff of 80% females! 

for awhile i could seriously imagine myself doing this forever.

and then it happened.

i realized, as i taught music to the children (ages 6 weeks to 7 years) how much i LOVED and MISSED teaching music.

and so i began daring to dream a little. it was as if God was whispering in my ear to hope.

i had always kept my application current with my former school system, but nothing seemed to materialize. i had applied in other systems as well, but nothing piqued my interest.

and then a friend who taught at the very elementary school i had passed many times on the way to teach piano lessons told me their music teacher was leaving.  it was an elementary school in the one of the most affluent counties, with a great population to work with, unlimited resources and parents who were highly involved.

i interviewed. i realized about midway through the interview that i didn't want to work here. as much as the school was amazing and i would be working with a wonderful group of people...i just did not want that job.

{release}

my current boss called me into her office in the midst of this and told me that i would be able to teach in a classroom in the fall if i wanted.  the open room was the 4 year old room, and i knew it would be challenging but great. and it was what i had truly wanted to do for a couple of years. i accepted, knowing that if i found out anything from the school system i would be able to tell her in plenty of time for her to put a deserving assistant teacher in that role.

{security}

and yet, i felt like i heard the Holy Spirit whispering "keep dreaming..."

in may i attended a conference at a church nearby, and was really encouraged by several of the messages.  but on my way home one night i found myself talking to God...really baring my soul to Him.

i told Him that i knew He placed the desire and talents within me to want to teach middle school, and that He knew my heart was to teach in my former system again. i had been searching daily and there were NO middle school positions, so i was so frustrated so i literally asked Him to release me from this deep desire or to let it materialize.

i wasn't despairing. but i was weary.

and two days later i received a message from a former assistant principal of mine that there was a potential opening in her {middle} school that was 10 minutes away from my house.

through her communication i finally leaped the last hurdle with my application and got the green light for interviews.  the music dept head for the system was incredibly impressed by my credentials and told me that she would be thrilled to have me back.

and i interviewed at the school. and it was fine. and while i was in the interview i got a voice mail from the principal of the school down the road, the one only 3 minutes from my house, the one connected to the greenway that i had literally walked dozens of times and prayed over the school and the people in it.

{talk about sowing into your future!}

and she interviewed me over the phone on a saturday while she was on vacation. and by the end of our conversation she told me i would have an email by day's end on monday with an offer.

i've been there since august.
and no, not every day has been wonderful. not every student has come to me and showered me with praise about what an amazing teacher i am.
[who am i kidding...i teach middle schoolers. they give me major attitude on a daily basis!]

but i am where i belong.
i am doing what i am supposed to be doing.
and i am thrilled.

over a 3 month period, God literally let me have a chance to do the things i thought i wanted. and continued to encourage me to dream bigger.

i'm so glad i took His challenge.

emi: the day we said goodbye

it's been nearly two years, but it affected me far beyond what i could have imagined.
and it is the reason my voice went silent for awhile on this blog.
and since she was so much a part of my life, i feel i have to finish her story here.

shortly after moving into our house in march of 2014 we realized that emi was ill.
and after a few trips to the vet the worst was confirmed.
she had cancer.
and if we chose to treat it we *might* get six months to a year more.

we chose to make her as comfortable as possible.
we asked a friend to do a photoshoot with her
we took her on one last trip around nashville to visit the place where i first saw her and the home where we first became a family of three

and we loved on her as much as possible.
and i prayed over her every day, begging that it wouldn't be so.

she found me. she chose me, and she rescued me as much as i rescued her.

and on a sunday morning, more the middle of the night, she slipped away from us.
we both were sleeping in the den with her as we couldn't bear to let her spend her nights alone
and we both petted her and kissed her as she took her last breath assuring her through our sobs that we loved her.

i still visit her little grave in our backyard a couple of times a month. i still find myself saying hello to her when i drive in after work. i still smile when a patch of good sunlight hits "her" spot just right.

and although a little over a year later a kitten came into our lives and our hearts
our emi will always be special

to you, darling girl.

broken

yesterday i broke an important thing. 

i am really blessed to have several of my grandmothers kitchen items. one of my favorites was a sugar bowl. it was kept in our spice cabinet and made me smile every time i opened the door and saw it. beautiful, simple, and classic. 

and yesterday i wanted to read a package of seasoning mix and moved it for less than a minute and when i went to put it back i bumped the shelf and it just fell out of my hand. 

i sobbed. 

i scooped up the cat and closed her in a room to keep her away from getting cut, i put a band aid on my bleeding toe, i went back to the kitchen and looked at all the sugar everywhere and the pieces of the beloved sugar bowl. 

and i sobbed some more. 

and eventually i started cleaning it up. 

my husband told me to keep the pieces to see if we can salvage it.
several people have mentioned making something out of it.
and those are great suggestions. they really are. but my goodness my heart hurts. 

i have so many memories of my childhood that i would rather forget.
so many moments that i remember through the lens of hurt and loneliness.
it was NOT a bad childhood especially in the grand scheme of things. i was loved in the best way that people knew how to love. no one meant me harm, no one set out to purposefully hurt me. 

but my grandmother loved me in the purest way of anyone. and the pieces of her that i still own make me happy because THOSE memories i will cherish forever. 

so yes, i am keeping these shattered pieces and will be putting them together somehow.
but i won’t feel bad that a broken sugar bowl is still making me cry.