broken

yesterday i broke an important thing. 

i am really blessed to have several of my grandmothers kitchen items. one of my favorites was a sugar bowl. it was kept in our spice cabinet and made me smile every time i opened the door and saw it. beautiful, simple, and classic. 

and yesterday i wanted to read a package of seasoning mix and moved it for less than a minute and when i went to put it back i bumped the shelf and it just fell out of my hand. 

i sobbed. 

i scooped up the cat and closed her in a room to keep her away from getting cut, i put a band aid on my bleeding toe, i went back to the kitchen and looked at all the sugar everywhere and the pieces of the beloved sugar bowl. 

and i sobbed some more. 

and eventually i started cleaning it up. 

my husband told me to keep the pieces to see if we can salvage it.
several people have mentioned making something out of it.
and those are great suggestions. they really are. but my goodness my heart hurts. 

i have so many memories of my childhood that i would rather forget.
so many moments that i remember through the lens of hurt and loneliness.
it was NOT a bad childhood especially in the grand scheme of things. i was loved in the best way that people knew how to love. no one meant me harm, no one set out to purposefully hurt me. 

but my grandmother loved me in the purest way of anyone. and the pieces of her that i still own make me happy because THOSE memories i will cherish forever. 

so yes, i am keeping these shattered pieces and will be putting them together somehow.
but i won’t feel bad that a broken sugar bowl is still making me cry.

thursday's ten: on love and hate, boycotting and bashing

you guys, i really really don't like to preach on this blog. i know my normal readers will know that (at least i hope so!). but i really feel passionately about this, and needed to get it out there.  forgive my grammatical and late-night-writing errors, and please read it with a measure of grace. i certainly haven't arrived and i make oh-so-many mistakes, but my prayer truly is that i make more mistakes of loving too deeply than of wounding those who so need Papa's Love.


i really don't talk about controversy MUCH here on the blog.  and really, this isn't going to delve too deeply into one.  but with recent events coming to light that have sparked a tremendous battle of words among facets of the population i really just have a few things i feel i must say.




1. i find it slightly amusing and very hypocritical for people who have opposed conservative Christians and bashed them for boycotting companies that supported gay rights to turn around and boycott a widely-known conservative Christian company for the opposite thing.


2. on the other hand, i am incredibly disappointed at the folks who are creating banners touting their support of said company SIMPLY because they now view them as a company who OPPOSES gay rights.



*slight pause for clarification. i am unashamedly a Christian, a lover of Jesus and an extreme God-follower.
but i'm not sure anyone would ever describe me as "conservative"
:-)



3. i'm not entirely sure that either side has their facts completely straight. (um. no pun intended there)


4. i'm not sure when it became an "us versus them" issue. but that.needs.to.stop.


i've read several people who say "if *they* would just stop hating"..."if *they* would just let us have our viewpoint and opinion"..."if *they*"...


i will say it as concisely as i possibly can:


we are all children of God.
there is no us. there is no them.
we are one people
even those who aren't walking in the fullness of their identity as His Kids...
(and to be honest, that's probably most of us)
we are one.


and the longer this "us and them" mentality stays around the more people we are losing because we are hung up on things that don't matter.


(and that thing that you just thought of that you think matters, if it's keeping people from knowing Jesus because His "followers" are too busy harping on it, it probably matters less than you think)


5. if one more person tells me that they wish people would "stop hating on Christians" i may just unleash a dissertation on why that is a very valid viewpoint for many people.


and that's what makes me saddest.  i've said it before: i choose love. i will always choose love, even though it's not the easiest thing to do. it is my greatest calling, and therefore i must choose it.


6. however, my most concise response to the above would be this: why on earth are you expecting "THEM" to make the first move? Christians are commanded to love. the world isn't commanded to love Christians. and the fact that many communities have experienced anything BUT love from the Christian community means that we are really REALLY failing them.


7. people need to live and let live.  or as i often tell the kids i work with: just chill for a minute, ok?


8. chick-fila makes a damn good spicy chicken deluxe sandwich.


9. some people are going to be more offended about the fact that i just used the word "damn" (twice now) than the fact that people often experience only bitterness and hatred from the Christian community.


10. it really.really.really is all about love


i've said it before.
i'll surely say it again.


this post from Jon Acuff's blog yesterday prompted me to forward it to several of my friends. THIS is what the church should look like. and until more of us get that picture, i guess you'll keep reading posts like this. :-)


as my amazing friend natasha posted yesterday: i'm going to boycott hate.


and now if you'll excuse me, i think i'll go buy a chick-fila sandwich and eat it while watching a disney blu-ray. 


(thank you for reading if you made it this far. oh, and thank you for not unfollowing me if you haven't yet. :-)

in these moments

i'm not gonna lie.

it's been a pretty tough last few days.

beginning with a healing weekend (which was both wonderful and tough) in which i was kind of sequestered
and finding out moments after it was over of the death of a friend's twin brother
(he was a Marine and was killed in action in afghanistan)
and all kinds of crazy stuff in between

i haven't been doing a whole lot of writing the last few days
i've been doing a whole lot of listening
to what God has to say over me
to affirmations from those who love me
and who are walking this journey with me

i'm intentionally seeking time with God
letting Him speak over me
to me
through me

and that's been amazing.

sifting all the grime and pain away from the last few days
His little treasures shine all throughout it
and though i don't find this time easy
it is good.

however, writing is so therapeutic for me
so i will be here
in this little corner of the internet
even when i feel i have nothing of value to say.

may this week open your eyes
to those treasures that He has for you
to the people surrounding you that have been purposefully placed there

may you be able to say
with all certainty
into the face of anything that comes your way

"God's got this"

hope

after the craziness of today, we could all use videos like this.

here's hoping for the full recovery for Rep Giffords.
here's hoping for healing for the other victims and families.
here's hoping no other judge is shot down in the line of duty.
here's hoping no other innocent child is killed in a senseless act.
here's hoping that political "leaders" no longer use the phrase "in the cross hairs" or speak of "eliminating" opponents.
here's hoping that people who follow such "leadership" wake up a bit to the consequences of those words.

here's hoping that tomorrow is better for us all :)

Pass it On TV Spots Hope | Values - Pass It On

a year in review, 2010

little did i know when i did a similar post last year what would happen in 2010. it's been a CRAZY year!

january
i perfected a bloody mary recipe, i ran a wild 5k and subsequently injured myself the next day and it finally snowed in nashville! (and i took pictures)

february
we had an amazing and sweet valentines day with amazing flowers, and then...well, life kind of started exploding...and not in a great way.  it was mid-february that anthony's granddaddy entered the hospital with some sort of unknown (at the time) pain

march
anthony's granddaddy passed away only a few days after discovering that he had stage 4 cancer. i celebrated my birthday (anthony gave me a wii!) and found out that the mortgage company had made a huge error...

april
God remained ever faithful -- that seemed to be the theme of this month.  i got the official word that i had lost my house, and i had 10 days to move out.  and that's when the CRAZY God-stuff began happening. anthony's sister got baptized at church on the last day we were moving me out.  i was the featured WOW blogger one day. i had a massive asthma...event...among other things...and ended up in the ER and staying in the hospital overnight. i was thankful to see the calendar change from april to may until...

may
the first weekend in may, nashville flooded.
one of my best friends in indiana got married and i was in the wedding, anthony had his first published article, i spent a fantastic weekend in the gatlinburg area with my suitemates from college.

june
i spent a long weekend in delaware with laura and izzy, started a new summer nanny gig with two precious kids, i wrote a little about provision and other deeper subjects

july
God signed me up for a fantastic retreat weekend (no, really), anthony's grandma passed away, about 20 minutes after her graveside service my car was totaled when it was parked on the street -- hit and run, i headed to the beach for a whirlwind trip with some girlfriends
 
august
i began working for my friends as a nanny to their sweet little boy, we traveled to kansas city and loved our time with family there, i replaced my car

september
this was the month of CRAZY weekends!  we went to st louis with friends, had a retreat with the youth group,  we went to holiday world, i went to arkansas with natasha.

october
i attended an awesome prophetic conference where i actually was on a team that GAVE prophetic words...amazing, i got pretty real on the blog

november
i took the time to finally write out how God has orchestrated my every move for the last 2.5 years, we continued our tradition of visiting the christmas village, we found out a favorite nashville store was closing

december
we got not one but TWO white christmases!  we visited my family in indiana for our first christmas in mid-december...and it snowed.  and it snowed here christmas eve and christmas day which was a lovely thing.  it hadn't snowed here on christmas since anthony's childhood!  i joined a wonderful cell group of Spirit-filled and amazing girls.  december was pretty much a blur and i didn't blog very much of it...but that just means i was out living it :)

so 2010.  it was a very interesting year.  what a range we've been through!  heartache, loss, love, provision, abundance, and just crazy things!  i think i'll look back on 2010 as one of the best years of my life, as strange as that sounds.  yes, i lost so much in the material sense.  but what i gained in return -- what God has blessed me with -- is so much better than anything i had before. 

i can't WAIT to see what He has for me -- for us -- in 2011.  if this year was this crazy and amazing...just wait.  buckle up, guys.  i have a feeling it's going to be one awesome ride!

on a life well - lived

she was older when i met her

and her memory wasn't what it had once been

and so she often had to be re-introduced to me

or just reminded of who i was

but every time she saw me

she took my hand and squeezed it

or gave me a hug and kiss

and told me she thought i was beautiful

or sweet

or some other really nice thing :)

you could tell that she was a nurturer

she cherished moments with her husband

though she no longer was able to live with him at their house

and she doted on her grandchildren

the love she had for them was obvious

the dogs of the family preferred her lap over any other

anytime she was around

and she seemed to enjoy just sitting and watching the flurry of activity

because that flurry was made up of the ones dearest to her

when the idea of me moving into her house

to keep an eye on things

was proposed to her, she said

"i think it's a GREAT idea"

and that's all the confirmation her husband needed

she suffered with multiple health issues for several years

although every time i saw her

she was smiling and enjoying the company of people she loved

her latest bout came last week

and she prayed saturday night that she would go home

she woke on sunday, disappointed

because she was ready

but on sunday they brought her husband to see her

and they spent some precious moments together

and a few hours later

her prayer was answered

peacefully

anthony's grandma

was a wonderful woman

and i've learned in the past few days

just how wonderful

but MY favorite memory

(besides those sweet hugs and hand squeezes)

will always be

that on father's day this year

she out-ate the entire family

putting down more baby back ribs

than either her son or her grandson

(and THAT is an accomplishment!)

pause

anthony's granddaddy went Home early this morning
it's his 79th birthday
tonight we celebrate him

i've only had the pleasure of knowing him since i've been dating his grandson
slightly over a year and a half
not enough time
but long enough to know he was a class act

quiet strength
noble
humble
wise
and hilarious
he had this way of saying one little thing
which made us laugh for hours

what a GREAT life he had.

today

i have no wise words today
no coherent thoughts to speak of
just sharing part of my heart

i'm aching for those who ache

i'm rejoicing for job opportunties in the near future -- i begin a nanny gig at the end of april
for a sweet baby boy who will be 11 weeks plus a month
(because he's 11 weeks now)
his parents are wonderful
easy-going and laid back
the kind of parents who take their cues from baby within a structured environment
striking that natural balance that benefits both child and parent
undoubtedly the sort of parent i will be
so we clicked
and i'm thrilled that this will be happening
although i'm still on pins and needles while i wait for something to happen for the next month point five
and i'm thankful through all of it that God is still God

if you are a prayer, a thinker, a person
please keep anthony's family in those prayers and thoughts
one grandparent is in hospice with stage 4 lung cancer
another admitted yesterday to the hospital with congestive heart failure
both sides of the family now keeping vigil by two hospital beds...thankfully in the same building

if you're one to light a candle
to cross yourself
to use prayer beads
i'm pretty sure any gesture would be appreciated right now

st patrick's day is tomorrow
if you are one of faith
celebrate

we will be

today i vow
to lose myself in music
because right now i have a gift
time
and while i could spend it cleaning my house
and truth be told, i need to spend more than a few minutes on that task
i also need to spend a portion of it
doing what makes me me
what the One who created me
well, created me to do
and so
i will play
and worship
and enjoy life on the piano bench
for just a bit

do something today
that you were created to do

and tell me about it
because i want to know

Bad Haiku Friday

Put a lock and key
Round the state of Tennessee...
No more friends can leave.

Yep. My good friend Laura and her baby girl Israel are headed out next week indefinitely. She hopes to be back early next year, but nothing is for sure yet...

I'm a little over this friends moving away thing.

Bad Sad Haiku Friday

My heart is sad now
I have cried a lot of tears
Hate saying goodbye

It will be good to
Watch Grey's and then some chick flicks
Let myself chill out.

(I HATE saying goodbye. Have I mentioned that yet? When I'm saying it to the couple that has essentially filled the role of parents where my flesh and blood were not able to...yeah. It sucks.)

*this blog will return to it's normal cheery and sarcastic schedule shortly. please excuse the crying mess. don't slip on the tears on your way out...*