Enough

Enough: A Mother’s Day Reflection

Even though I skipped the service at church today, I did fulfill my obligation to the teens, and led class. During the worship time, we sang a song that we sing often, only today I just stood there. I couldn’t bring myself to sing the words. The chorus of the song is this:

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

I couldn’t help thinking that the teenage girls singing the song had no idea how hard it may be in the future to sing those words and mean them. And I myself have sung them so many times, deeply and passionately, believing each one. But today was different.

So many questions fill my mind. IS all of Him more than enough for all of me? My head says “yes” and my heart says “maybe”. Because the next two lines are what get me.

“For every thirst and every need”. Will my life in Christ, which is vibrant and faithful really replace my longing to be in relationship with a Godly man? And fulfill the even deeper aching for a child? Up until now it has. But over the past several months I find myself looking for more. I don’t want it outside of God’s Will…but is His Will going to crush my dreams? Yes, this is where faith enters in…and suddenly I am terrified of my deep faith.

“You satisfy me with Your love”. But the truth is, I’m not satisfied anymore. I’m shaky as I admit this, because I should be satisfied. I’m living the single girl’s dream: I have a fabulous house, a wonderful job, and things are good—in most ways better than good. I’ve finally came to peace with myself and my demons of the past. I’m healthy and I’m happy. I have wonderful friends surrounding me. But satisfied? No. If I am honest, I realize that is not the case.

So where does that leave me? Am I any less a God-seeker now? I don’t think so. I certainly hope not. But maybe today I’m a little less faithful, a little less trusting. And I’m hoping that’s where I’m supposed to be. Maybe in my state of disequilibrium, real joy will be found.