This year, I'm in a different place. But sometimes I still wonder if it's enough.
Last year, I wrote in despair of ever finding relationship with a Godly man. This year, I have that. And am so thankful for it. It's enough. It's better than enough. It's more than I dreamed it would be. (thanks honey, for following Him so well and being so good to me.)
Last year I wrote of the deep aching in my heart for a child. If I am honest with myself, being a nanny to a child from the age of 9 months to 2 1/2 years probably intensified that longing and made it worse. As much as I loved her, I was not her mother and some days I was painfully aware of that. When that relationship was stripped from me I grieved it, deeply. But I think I'm healthier for it now. Is my longing for a child nonexistent? No. Not at all. But I'm reminded that I have many children in my life who love me, and I love them. And for now, that is enough.
It is enough that today I actually entered the sanctuary on Mother's Day and sat through the service. Maybe next year I'll actually enjoy that time...but today it is enough that I went, and that I didn't go running out the back door during the first prayer for mothers as was my instinct.
It is enough that today I called my parents and wished my mother a happy day.
So while I am still not a fan of mother's day, I celebrate my friends who are mothers and those who have mothers. I choose to celebrate in my own way, and someday down the road I will love mother's day. I have deep faith in that.
But today, it is enough that I write my feelings and then go for a run to release the emotions brimming in my soul.
Right now...it is enough.
4 comments:
I pray that next year at this time when you reflect; you will continue to be able to see God's hand at work in your life and Him fulfilling the desires of your heart!
BTW -Have you received the e-mails I sent you regarding the give away earrings?
Girl, I know exactly how you feel! I can't say that I hate Mother's Day, because I love celebrating the people in my life who are mothers, but it's the hardest day of the year for me. I hope, like Shanda said, that next year's reflection on this Mother's Day is blessed.
Oh I hear you. You should have seen me last night. After spending the weekend with a blogger friend and her family (2 adorable boys) I arrived back at my entirely too quiet apartment, painfully aware that it was yet another Mother's Day and I was without children. Someday...it will be our turn. I hope!
Good for you that you were able to go to church. I did not. Kyle was planning on it and I said I wasn't going. I pray that both of us can enjoy Mother's Day next year.
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