Wednesday, July 28, 2010


so this weekend was amazing
with the encounter retreat friday through sunday
and then a whirlwind trip to destin, florida
sunday through monday
(i'm happy to report that there is no sign of oil at seaside beach)

somewhere between tennessee and florida
the wheels that had been turning all weekend clicked
and since we had practiced "walking in the light"
(basically being completely honest about struggle/sin)
and had cast out all demonic influences
(including spirits of fear)
i had to share it with laura and meghan
and when i got home, anthony
and now i'm sharing it with you

for a few months i've been increasingly frustrated
that i keep losing 10 pounds (or so)
but gaining back 5
or losing 5 pounds
and gaining back 3
or losing a couple of pounds
and staying stuck at the new weight

because i am eating healthily(ish)
i have a fairly active lifestyle
and i'm young enough that it shouldn't be affecting my weight loss

and i've kind of had the feeling i'm sabotaging myself
with excuses not to exercise
with buying the occasional pringles can
and finishing it within 24 hours of purchase
with other very unhealthy choices
like crappy bedtimes, for example

but i've had no idea WHY the sabotage
(on another note: i've wondered how i let myself put ON this weight in the first place)

here's the "click"

number one
i know myself
i know i have been delivered from my eating disordered past
and i know that i know that i know
that i'm not going to slip into old patterns

because people who genuinely care about me
have made it a point to caution me about "my history"
they've instilled into me
(without meaning to)
a spirit of fear

so while *i know*
i'm not going to screw this one up
when someone says something
(or has in the past said something)
about the fear of me returning to old patterns
it makes me worry that i will

so therein, i lose 10 pounds
and think
"oh no!
what if i DO fall into old habits?"

or i lose 3 pounds
and say
"it could happen..."

well, yes
but the reality is
i'm free of that
so why the fear?

because i'm letting other's expectations of me
(or the ones i perceive they have)
define my expectations
and since i perceive they expect me to fall into patterns
i'm trying to "prove them wrong"

(ps, this is how the weight crept on
because i was afraid of appearing to be obsessed with diet and weight
so instead i ate like i didn't care
and stopped moving

i'm not afraid of that anymore
and i won't let anyone return that spirit of fear into me
it's not from God
and i refuse to accept it anymore.

number 2:
because at my root
i'm a people pleaser
i also don't want to make anyone worry
or be disappointed with me
so if i'm not afraid of failing
i'm afraid of worrying someone

i have to do this for me
and if others worry, so be it
if others make comments
i'll simply "walk in light" with them
so that they know
i know
what i'm doing

so spirit of fear:
be gone
you have no place here
you are not welcome

extra pounds:
you're toast



Brooke said...

hurrah for you!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Yay!!!! Good for you! :)