re●ve●la●tion

so this weekend was amazing

with the encounter retreat friday through sunday

and then a whirlwind trip to destin, florida

sunday through monday

(i'm happy to report that there is no sign of oil at seaside beach)

somewhere between tennessee and florida

the wheels that had been turning all weekend clicked

and since we had practiced "walking in the light"

(basically being completely honest about struggle/sin)

and had cast out all demonic influences

(including spirits of fear)

i had to share it with laura and meghan

and when i got home, anthony

and now i'm sharing it with you

for a few months i've been increasingly frustrated

that i keep losing 10 pounds (or so)

but gaining back 5

or losing 5 pounds

and gaining back 3

or losing a couple of pounds

and staying stuck at the new weight

because i am eating healthily(ish)

i have a fairly active lifestyle

and i'm young enough that it shouldn't be affecting my weight loss

and i've kind of had the feeling i'm sabotaging myself

with excuses not to exercise

with buying the occasional pringles can

and finishing it within 24 hours of purchase

with other very unhealthy choices

like crappy bedtimes, for example

but i've had no idea WHY the sabotage

(on another note: i've wondered how i let myself put ON this weight in the first place)

well...

here's the "click"

number one

i know myself

i know i have been delivered from my eating disordered past

and i know that i know that i know

that i'm not going to slip into old patterns

however,

because people who genuinely care about me

have made it a point to caution me about "my history"

they've instilled into me

(without meaning to)

a spirit of fear

so while *i know*

i'm not going to screw this one up

when someone says something

(or has in the past said something)

about the fear of me returning to old patterns

it makes me worry that i will

so therein, i lose 10 pounds

and think

"oh no!

what if i DO fall into old habits?"

or i lose 3 pounds

and say

"it could happen..."

well, yes

it COULD

but the reality is

i'm free of that

so why the fear?

because i'm letting other's expectations of me

(or the ones i perceive they have)

define my expectations

and since i perceive they expect me to fall into patterns

i'm trying to "prove them wrong"

(ps, this is how the weight crept on

because i was afraid of appearing to be obsessed with diet and weight

so instead i ate like i didn't care

and stopped moving

fear)

i'm not afraid of that anymore

and i won't let anyone return that spirit of fear into me

it's not from God

and i refuse to accept it anymore.

number 2:

because at my root

i'm a people pleaser

i also don't want to make anyone worry

or be disappointed with me

so if i'm not afraid of failing

i'm afraid of worrying someone

i have to do this for me

and if others worry, so be it

if others make comments

i'll simply "walk in light" with them

so that they know

i know

what i'm doing

so spirit of fear:

be gone

you have no place here

you are not welcome

extra pounds:

you're toast