Wednesday, October 6, 2010

...

i haven't let myself go here
even in my journaling
for 6 months

but damn it.

i miss my house

i miss sitting in the living room
with the walls *i* painted
choosing picture placement on the wall based on my taste
not where a nail hole already was 
cooking in the enormous kitchen
with my OWN pots and pans
and not having to label my food
or worry that someone will use my groceries -- or worse, throw them away

i miss privacy
basic privacy
never wondering if a door is going to open 
and a stranger (to me, home health aid to mr n) is going to walk through my "bedroom" or "living area" for something
or toss my not-yet-dry clothes out of the dryer and onto my bed
because they're just subbing for the regular nurse and don't realize that the laundry room was supposed to be available to me that day

i miss being independent
not feeling like i have to follow orders
of getting my furniture and the few belongings i have here
in some sort of "order" 
so that i don't have to feel belittled by someone commenting on the clutter

of course there's clutter
i moved from 1500 sq feet
to one room

it's easy to say
that i should just move some more stuff to storage
but what should i move?  my grandma's vanity?  or a few mementos of happy times with friends?  or a couple of decorative pieces that i found and placed in the first place i had to call mine?
it's an impossible choice
because so many of what i treasure is already stored away
sometimes i go to storage just to see my stuff
but it always makes me sad
even if it IS just stuff

in all honesty i DO need to do a better job of cleaning and clearing some stuff out of here
but being told that makes me feel about 2 inches tall
and reinforces my feeling of inadequacy

and i'm working my butt off
so when i'm here
i just want to be here

i miss having an open door
for any of my friends to come over
any time
because i always feel like i'm sneaking around
if i have a friend over
(even though i'm not)
because i feel like we have to be "quiet"
and stay out of the kitchen

and that's another thing
oh, how i miss cooking
because every time i go upstairs to make a meal
i feel like i'm in someone's way
so i resort to eating out
or fixing something simple
i miss MY cooking

i miss not feeling like i've royally screwed up
even though i know logically that an error at the mortgage company was what messed this up in the first place
in my heart it's hard not to go to the recording that always plays
"just not good enough"

sometimes i pull into the driveway
and can barely get out of the car
and all i can think of is
"i want to go HOME"
even though i honestly have no idea where home is

i should say 
that as i write all this
i feel incredibly stupid for even feeling this way
and more than a little selfish
but i did lose a lot
a LOT
not just a house

and anthony's family has done SO MUCH for me
i so appreciate the blessing of being provided a place to live
of having emi here with me
of having some of my things here instead of having to put everything in storage

they've been truly wonderful
truly
i'm overwhelmed by their generosity and willingness to walk with me through this

it's just that once in awhile
(though i know i am blessed, that God is my amazing Provider, and that He has placed amazing people in my life)

my humanity comes out
and right now
my humanity
just longs for home


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6 comments:

Vanessa said...

I know exactly how you must be feeling. When my husband was laid off a few years ago, neither of us working, we lived with my mom. Then a good friend of mine and then my grandmother. Switching, thinking it would make that feeling go away or us feel a little better about it. But it never went away. And while VERY appreciative of the generosity, it just wasn't OURS. OUR things were in storage...
And now we live 8 hours away from my family and closest friends, I MISS them. BUT, we.are.home!

Casondra said...

oh Lora, this post makes me hurt for you. Praying for you, sweet girl!

HappyascanB said...

Okay, can I say I'm kinda thankful to hear you be real and honest and transaparent about losing your house? While it makes me so sad to hear you're hurting, I think it's natural and healthy for you to face those feelings.

I'm praying for you!

Mattie said...

You have every right to feel that way! Just like I have every right to hope that someday soon I will no longer have a "roomate" and have my house to myself again. ;) It's hard not having space that is TOTALLY your own. Hang in there. You will have a home of your own again eventually.

Brooke said...

*hugs*

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Your post struck a lot of notes that I remember well, so I do understand missing your house. You need to grieve for it. (Even when I lived in my own apartment I missed the sound of a screen door banging shut.) So sorry for your loss.