...

i haven't let myself go here

even in my journaling

for 6 months

but damn it.

i miss my house

i miss sitting in the living room

with the walls *i* painted

choosing picture placement on the wall based on my taste

not where a nail hole already was 

cooking in the enormous kitchen

with my OWN pots and pans

and not having to label my food

or worry that someone will use my groceries -- or worse, throw them away

i miss privacy

basic privacy

never wondering if a door is going to open 

and a stranger (to me, home health aid to mr n) is going to walk through my "bedroom" or "living area" for something

or toss my not-yet-dry clothes out of the dryer and onto my bed

because they're just subbing for the regular nurse and don't realize that the laundry room was supposed to be available to me that day

i miss being independent

not feeling like i have to follow orders

of getting my furniture and the few belongings i have here

in some sort of "order" 

so that i don't have to feel belittled by someone commenting on the clutter

of course there's clutter

i moved from 1500 sq feet

to one room

it's easy to say

that i should just move some more stuff to storage

but what should i move?  my grandma's vanity?  or a few mementos of happy times with friends?  or a couple of decorative pieces that i found and placed in the first place i had to call mine?

it's an impossible choice

because so many of what i treasure is already stored away

sometimes i go to storage just to see my stuff

but it always makes me sad

even if it IS just stuff

in all honesty i DO need to do a better job of cleaning and clearing some stuff out of here

but being told that makes me feel about 2 inches tall

and reinforces my feeling of inadequacy

and i'm working my butt off

so when i'm here

i just want to be here

i miss having an open door

for any of my friends to come over

any time

because i always feel like i'm sneaking around

if i have a friend over

(even though i'm not)

because i feel like we have to be "quiet"

and stay out of the kitchen

and that's another thing

oh, how i miss cooking

because every time i go upstairs to make a meal

i feel like i'm in someone's way

so i resort to eating out

or fixing something simple

i miss MY cooking

i miss not feeling like i've royally screwed up

even though i know logically that an error at the mortgage company was what messed this up in the first place

in my heart it's hard not to go to the recording that always plays

"just not good enough"

sometimes i pull into the driveway

and can barely get out of the car

and all i can think of is

"i want to go HOME"

even though i honestly have no idea where home is

i should say 

that as i write all this

i feel incredibly stupid for even feeling this way

and more than a little selfish

but i did lose a lot

a LOT

not just a house

and anthony's family has done SO MUCH for me

i so appreciate the blessing of being provided a place to live

of having emi here with me

of having some of my things here instead of having to put everything in storage

they've been truly wonderful

truly

i'm overwhelmed by their generosity and willingness to walk with me through this

it's just that once in awhile

(though i know i am blessed, that God is my amazing Provider, and that He has placed amazing people in my life)

my humanity comes out

and right now

my humanity

just longs for home