...mic check...1...2...

what would i say about the months of silence?
well, nothing. 
what would i tell you about the things i haven't said in those months?
well, plenty

i would say that the payment i get in hugs and smiles and oh yeah illnesses ;-) far outweigh any paycheck i could ever receive

i would say that i never imagined that working in a preschool setting would be so rewarding

i would say that A and i are happier when the house is tidy. i would also say that when one of us is sick, it becomes a lot harder to keep tidy. we definitely work as a team around here, and i adore that

i would say that grown adults who know better can be vindictive and attempt to steal your joy because of their own bitterness all while wearing a sugary smile and proclaiming their love for Jesus
{i could write an entire series on the southern facade that i.desperately.hate. just be real for crying out loud. yanks have that one over southerners hands down}

i would say that only you can let someone steal your joy
{in other words, neener-neener, aforementioned person didn't win ;-) }

i would say that car shopping when you HAVE to car shop isn't as exciting as it seems to be
{moment of silence for lora's amazing passat...it finally died last month. and i have shed more than a couple of tears.}

i would say that fresh flowers in the house brighten my mood immensely. fresh flowers that my husband pick out for me just intensify that!

i would say that i fall more in love with texas each time i visit 
{year 2 for going on a missions trip to a children's home in the hill country. heart partially there}

i would say that getting your garden planted two months {two MONTHS} late just means a longer harvest period
{fingers crossed}

i would say that the God-encounters that you allow yourself to be aware of are more amazing that you could ever come up with by any stretch of your imagination

i would say that i have wanted to come type out long versions of each of these snippets and felt a block of some sort.  so for now they are snippets.  fuller versions on request...or as i have the time to tell them

but really, it doesn't matter what i have to say about the months between january and july.  we did a lot of living during those months.  times spent with great friends, playing board games, crashing on the couch to watch movies, having family over and A *finally* getting his youngest sister and i to watch the LOTR trilogy, taking time for a date night or two, celebrating my birthday and hosting gatherings for each of our best friend's birthdays, A speaking for the first time at our church plant...and there were also tears and hurt, and pain, and stress and confusion and wondering if we had made the right decisions about several things.

and that's life.

the next six months will hold much of the same, and i await it all expectantly.

life without pain means you forget to feel.  because of tears, i feel joy more radically.

i'm not going to make any promises i can't keep. but my desire is to be here, to be real, to live life authentically in this tiny blip in the internet where i get to have my real voice.

so for the good, for the bad, for all the lovely moments in between...here i am.

oh, and if you take the time to be sweet and comment please include what you drive and why you love it. did i mention car shopping is a pain?!


xoxo

thursday's ten: about 2012

ten things i desire to do (or do more of) in 2012





1. drink more cups of coffee at home


this is deeper than it sounds...i have a collection of beautiful coffee mugs that i've collected or been given, and they are rarely used.  instead, i'm usually running out the door with one of my travel mugs, racing to the next thing.  the "coffee at home" is an invitation to be in the moment more.  better sleeping patterns, which i'm establishing slowly but surely, will lead to more rest, getting up earlier, and being able to savor those early morning cups of coffee in the beautiful mugs.


2.  go on more hikes


i ended 2011 with two in the month of december.  i've begun 2012 with one on monday.  these aren't just any hikes though.  these are intentional gatherings with Godly girls...conversation is good, uplifting and inspiring.  nature around us is breathtaking.  movement is made, bodies are healthier.  and there's never a limit -- 2, 3 or 10 can join in!


3. do the 365...er 6... photo thing


i pretty much did it last year, but didn't share.  this year i'll be posting it here and possibly on facebook.  i'm hoping to bring more meaning to the mundane in this way...seeing beauty even on a tuesday in sweatpants!


4. use my technology for good


and by that i mean, not getting as sucked in to facebook, pinterest, twitter, etc.  multi-tasking is great, but once in awhile it's ok to close the laptop and read a book...made of paper :-)  a and i make a habit of playing board games fairly often, but i seldom make time to keep electronics off and actually read.


also, if i'm not completely sucked into a tv show i'm more likely to keep a clean house, stay on top of the laundry, and make it to places on time.  so while tv is GOOD, i need to make sure priorities are in place.


5. take advantage of opportunities to open our home


we've had one (well, two if you count my bachelorette party) big events in our home so far, besides having friends over for dinner, cooking with girlfriends, and having halo/poker nights (that's obviously more a than me).  2012 has the opportunity for many more.  next week i'm hosting a fashion swap, we'll have a superbowl gathering, we ALWAYS have an oscar party, and i'm planning a st patrick's day bash as well.


we want to be very intentional about opening up our home and sharing in hospitality.  we truly feel that we are called to this, and we've been given a wonderful platform for it!


6.  find some good EASY & wholesome recipes


we've changed our grocery habits (mainly because i do the shopping) and are probably 80% whole foods and trader joe's, while staying in the same price range as we were when we were less than 50%.  buying from these grocery stores don't mean we're automatically eating healthy--or that they are all low-cal, low fat foods, but it DOES mean that our ingredients are for the most part more wholesome and that at least *i* feel better cooking with them.


and i love, love, love cooking.  however, i also love spending time with my husband, so i'm trying to find wholesome and delicious crock-pot meals to add to my arsenal and have at least once a month.  i'm also expanding my soup recipes a bit.  i'm definitely open to quick/one-pot/crock pot meals if you have them to share (and i haven't already stolen them from you!)


yes, we still have a stockpile (no, really) of hamburger helper.  but having processed crap (that tastes pretty good actually) a couple of times a month isn't going to kill us.  and having really.good stuff with fresh ingredients the rest of the month is helping at least me feel better.


7.  "no.  cuddles."


the little girl i nanny for two days a week climbed on my lap earlier today asking for cuddles.  after she's been there for a few minutes i asked her if she wanted to get down and play since she seemed restless.  she thought less than a second before saying "no.  cuddles." and snuggling in.  it was precious...and a reminder that i need to press in to the cuddles too...literally and not.


sweet moments spent with friends, settling into the couch with my husband to watch a movie, emi jumping onto the bed or couch with me, enjoying hugs and high fives from the children in my life...all these things i need to appreciate more!  and when asked if i'm ready to move onto the next "thing" even if it's a good or necessary thing...sometimes i need to just say "no" and enjoy the "cuddle".


8. continue using financial wisdom God's way


which means giving it away and THEN paying our bills...i love God-math.  i've certainly experienced it over and over and over and over again -- that when you tithe and give you are blessed in ways that just don't make sense to the average person.  or to me, really.  i've often looked at my finances at the end of a month and said "that shouldn't work..." but it DOES.  i'm not saying you'll be richer than your wildest imagination or never experience financial hardship...but i AM saying that you'll be taken care of by your heavenly Daddy.


9.  let my "yes" be yes


instead of agreeing to things that i don't necessarily WANT to do but feel i should, or feeling like i have to cancel plans because a family thing came up...i'm going to be authentic with my answers.  not in a "um, i'd rather do anything BUT that" way, but in a "you know, that's a great invitation, but i already had plans to ___ tonight" or a "not this time, thanks anyway!" way.


it's harder than it sounds.  but actually sticking to boundaries and saying only authentic "YES's" will not only allow my calendar to have some relief, but will make the time spent with friends both more plentiful AND more meaningful.


we started this with new year's eve.  we had two invitations (two states apart) that were both fantastic...and craved the time spent with both the couples who had invited us.  but since Christmas had been (wonderfully) spent with family, and sort of a whirlwind, we elected to spend NYE at our own house with just each other.  we don't expect it to be tradition -- but for this year it was the authentic yes and the right choice.


10. continue to live in awe


i've mentioned the small pillow that has now hung at my last three residences at the bottom stair banister.  it reads "delight in the unexpected" and it has become a multi-daily reminder that those unexpected gifts and surprises are FUN.  


sometimes i think i'm continually in awe of what God is doing in me, through me, and around me.  and then i catch myself...because i don't EVER want to NOT live in that awe.  He is amazing, unexpected, extravagant and FUN.


that seems like a reasonable list to me...how about you?  what are your desires for the year?

look up

when i was little i thought there was something magical about the christmas tree.
and i still remember deciding that what i wanted more than anything
was to be able to sleep underneath it
with all the lights on
and the nativity scene behind me

my parents realized that this was a true desire
and eventually they allowed me to spend ONE NIGHT every year under the tree

it was a night i always looked forward to
i think it was looking up in the lights and branches that enthralled me
that seemingly endless beauty
that lifted up, to where my young eyes could barely catch a glimpse of the angel

it was looking up
that was my favorite part

and as i look at my tree
sitting by a seemingly unfamiliar window
a window that isn't "mine" really

i'm captured again by the lights
the beauty
the simplicity
and i'm reminded
to look UP

in this season of the year, it's important
and in this season of my life...
well, it's vital.


(...peace on earth...)

a simple (or not so simple) question

those lyrics that say "break my heart for what breaks Yours?"

when i sing them, i mean them

and sometimes i feel like i get a glimpse of what breaks the Father's heart

this question started burning in my mind a few days ago

like, can't get it out of my head 

must get it out

sort of burning

so...here it is.

while you are busy hating the homosexual

fearing the Muslim

banishing the refugee

walking the other way from the homeless

refusing to serve the illegal

who exactly is being Christ to the above?

i'm pretty sure i've seen more Christ-love behavior

from each of those groups

than from many who bear His name

(don't get me wrong -- there are many who bear His name in the above groupings too)

perhaps evangelicals need to remember why they are CALLED evangelicals

and protestants need to stop protesting everything that doesn't fit into their box

and catholics need to worry less about what one council says and more about how One Person lived

and charismatics need bring some of that energy into serving the least of these

there's no perfect answer

and we're not perfect people

but the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart

and the second

to love your neighbor as yourself

and we can't choose our neighbors, folks

but sometimes i wonder

if they are chosen for us

by Divine intersection

how many of us speed through without even looking?

so there it is

it's a simple question

while we are so busy elsewhere

who is showing His love?

  

...commitment...

this past saturday
in a small kansas city church
two people stood before a minister
and pledged their love for one another
they were surrounded by family (more for one than the other)
friends
and a supportive community
words were spoken to bless their "commitment" and their life together
and hardly anyone seemed to notice
that they were both men

i noticed
after all, one of them is my brother
and i was sitting next to his children on one side
who love him dearly,
even if they still harbor hurt and pain from the way their parents split
and my boyfriend on the other
who had never been to anything like this ever in his life

there are few topics i won't touch on this blog
religion/faith
politics
the relation of the two
my opinions on a multitude of things
all those are pretty much fair game

but this is one
that i won't
(at least not that i can forsee)
because i would have a hard time talking about
something as if i knew how i felt about it
when i haven't got a clue

when you're raised to believe one way
but experiences share a different view
when you're taught one thing
but your heart...well, you have one.

this much i do know:
i love my brother
the man walking beside him is sweet, funny, and sincere
and there is a genuine love between them

this much i also know:
God loves them too
and they love Him

beyond that...
i don't have to know

and THAT
is an amazing release

ps in case anyone is all "reporting to the authorities" or whatever: this was a commitment ceremony, NOT a wedding or civil union. it was held in a sacred space to profess their commitment to each other in front of a community. that's all.

Thursday's Ten: things that have happened in the last 7 days

i've been BUSY, y'all!



1. packed and got overwhelmed by all the packing to do
2. called in the troops, and between the army and i we got the entire house packed and cleaned by 10 pm sunday night!
3. witnessed anthony's little sister hailey get baptized at church on sunday
4. was hit by a car in the wal-mart parking lot on sunday
5. said goodbye to my house with more than a few tears as we locked everything down on sunday. thankfully, at that point only anthony and his parents were there to witness that.
(and jiminy the cricket came back in from the backyard one more time.)
6. turned in my keys to the real estate agent on monday and received a check in return
7. went to dinner celebrating hailey's baptism at maggiano's on tuesday night
8. followed dinner with an er visit. i'd been short of breath all.day and between anthony and his parents was forced...ordered convinced to go see a doctor
9. was admitted to the hospital overnight (with the threat of it being more than an overnight stay). turned out to be asthma exacerbation--a flare up of a condition i thought i had grown out of at the age of 12. anthony says i gave him quite a scare--i'm sure the oxygen mask, ivs, my incredible pain at being stuck the first time they drew blood, and the fact that i still couldn't catch my breath even by the time they got me into my hospital bed didn't help in that at all.
10. was released approximately 14 hours later (noonish wednesday) and taken to anthony's mom's house until she deemed me fit to go home. she came and vacuumed all my furniture and did a little extra unpacking too when she dropped me off onto her couch. amazing woman that she is :-D

so they say bad things come in 3s. i'm thinking starting with anthony's granddaddy's illness and death, the foreclosure, and this er visit and hospital stay we're due for a run of good things.

can i get an amen?





(for those of you who are new followers from monday--thank you! i promise i'll get to each and every one of your blogs if you commented--i had internet for approximately 5 hours before i started feeling really bad)

I'm Just Me

I've had at least 4 people in the last week come up to me at church or send me a message saying "I stumbled onto your blog the other day"

It's a bit disconcerting.

After all, when I'm semi-anonymous it's "safe" to write all of this stuff. And yes, my boyfriend reads this blog (hi honey!) and a handful of friends do as well, but it still seemed "safe".

And then tonight I was singing on the worship team at church, filling in for my very preggo friend Jes who just wasn't up to the task (understandably--she IS nearly ready to deliver!). And Randy, our worship minister, introduced a song that he recently wrote. It's all about dropping the facade, being authentic, and letting even the ugly parts show.

And I realized that's what I do on this blog. I'm "inside out", as the song says, and I'm just me...and that's ok.

So here I am...

a girl who was once afraid--terrified--to love
a woman that disagrees fundamentally with her current church's position on "women in the church"
one who often lets a curse word slip (sometimes even here in written form!)
who has taken a quote from her favorite Ellen/Gladys conversation to heart: "I love Jesus, but I drink a little"
who is broken and blessed, all at the same time
who, as much as she has fought against it and tried to take it back, has left a little piece of herself in a small, southern Indiana farmtown
who is madly in love with Jesus
who likes to write about her thoughts, both frivilous and semi-deep
who would love to lose the 20 or so pounds that crept on when her former ED self began to actually enjoy food
and who has determined
that this blog
will be 100%
authentically
totally
REAL

That's what you've got. And everyday I'm humbled and amazed that several of you seem to enjoy reading what I have to say. What began as a creative outlet has led me to so many friendships and opened my eyes to new worlds.

I'm grateful.

And this girl? Isn't going anywhere. So no matter if I've known you since middle school (hi Angie!), am dating you, go to church with you, have met you through an online voice somewhere, or any of the categories in between...I'm glad you're here to share this part of my journey with me. It's a bumpy road, this Life, but I'm blessed beyond measure to have people like you in my path.