journey

“It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace…God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through”

- Francis Chan

bear with me

this is a post that's been knocking around in my head for quite a few days.

you would think that because of that...it would be all smooth and polished.

but it's not.  and i have to believe that i am supposed to write it all out here, in it's raw and unadulterated form.

i've sometimes grown weary of well-meaning people saying to me

"well, God has a plan for your future"

when i fully know that

but i believe that God also has a plan for my right now

as i stated, i know they mean well

but it makes me sad to think

that they think

i've been somehow lost and abandoned in all this

unemployment hasn't done that...nor has foreclosure

and i pray that their spiritual eyes will be open 

to the fingerprints of God that are all.over.everything in my life

you see, the journey to get where i am today began well over 3 years ago.  

God was in the midst of amazingly delivering me from eating disorders

and i was feeling a holy (and i purposefully use that word) discontent

knowing that i loved teaching, i loved my students

but for some reason

i was uneasy staying in the classroom

and so i began to pursue other options

i very clearly heard God saying to do this

and i very clearly knew that the family i eventually left the classroom to work for

(the ones who turned around less than a year later

and fired me

with no good reason)

was exactly where i was supposed to go

could i have had any idea of the path i was stepping onto?

no

and i don't necessarily believe that God ordained the family to go psycho randomly let me go

i believe that there was free will involved

and that free will led them to these decisions

but i do believe

that God sometimes gives prophetic words

to people who don't even believe in prophetic words

(to borrow a phrase from one of my favorite pastors, alyn: He's Jehovah Sneaky)

i remember a friend of mine

who most definitely does not go to a church that believes that God is actively speaking to His people

although they wholeheartedly believe in the love and grace of our God

told me that upon hearing of my situation

of being fired suddenly, of the ridiculous nature of the way i was released from that position

all she could think about 

was the verse about joseph

"they meant it for evil but God meant it for good"

(it's genesis 50.20.  in the NLT it's: you intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.)

i remember taking ahold of that verse

and claiming it

not realizing *literally* until this moment as i sit here typing this

that it was actually a prophetic word over me

that God gifted a woman who may not even acknowledge the reality of that gifting

the exact words i would need for the next 2 years

if i had known the crazy and tumultuous at times path the decision to leave the classroom would lead me on

would i have left?

would i have been obedient?

i have no idea

but i hope so.

because of losing my job at the time i did, i was able to step in and work with a family for a few months who have a child with severe behavioral issues.  those mornings with him were some of the most trying of my life.  i had to keep my cool, use techniques for keeping myself and him safe, and...probably the hardest thing of all, pass the neighborhood where i knew the little girl i had loved for over a year was being cared for by someone else.  and yet, i grew.  i maintained patience, learned new coping techniques, and knew that for that moment i was exactly where i was supposed to be.

once the family had found a permanent solution that better fit their family's needs, one of my friends told me that her boss's wife was very ill and they were looking for someone to act as a caregiver during the day.  meeting that family opened up opportunities for me to serve -- taking her to doctor's appointments, and as she regained her strength to lunches and hair appointments and her weekly Bible study.  "driving mrs n" was sometimes a stretch for me...because she was from a very conservative church and i'm fairly certain she thought i was WAY too liberal...but we kind of fell in love with each other.  and i'll never forget the conversation we had one day that confirmed to me that i was exactly where i was supposed to be.

during my time with mrs n, i also contracted with a company to write educational training materials and presentations.  this was purely because of a contact i had from a small group at my church that i babysat for.  i relished the moments of doing something a bit more professional, and i especially relished that i was able to do these things from my office with the window open and a glass of iced tea beside me.  technically i still have the ability to contract with the company, although they haven't used me for a project for about a year...but i'm not worried.  it'll come when it's supposed to :)

as mrs n gained more and more strength and the time i spent with her became more scarce, a friend called me one day to tell me that her office was looking for someone to do data entry "for a few weeks".  those few weeks stretched into a few months, and i felt like i was doing something with purpose.  entering data was quite fun for me...and the fact that i was working in an office that relocated refugees made it so meaningful to me.  i was so sad to see that chapter close, but i had always known it would be temporary...so even though it had been exactly where i was supposed to be it was time to move on.

so, though i had begun teaching a couple of private voice and piano lessons at a studio on music row (also because a friend had recommended me), i found myself with just a couple of lessons a week and a few babysitting jobs here and there.

and this began the first real "break" in the action.  this was the first time in over a year that i hadn't had some sort of regular (if short-lived) income.  of course, shortly after we buried anthony's grandfather...and VERY shortly after that we found out that i had lost my house.  after crying, packing and moving, i realized that an offer i had from some friends to nanny for them beginning in august was now more feasible.  i had told them i'd think about it, because the amount they were able to pay was barely enough to cover my mortgage...and definitely not enough for all my other bills.  well...now i didn't have a mortgage to pay, and the other bills had significantly decreased as well.  after prayer and revelation i realized that i knew (starting in august) exactly where i needed to be.

and then anthony's aunt told me of a friend of hers who needed someone to watch her two children for a couple of months in the summer.  i met them, loved them, and truly enjoyed every moment spent with the family.  i have an incredible thank-you card from them that hangs on my prayer and praise board that serves to remind me that this summer i was exactly where i needed to be.

not a single one of these jobs did i interview for

not a single one of them ended on anything less than positive terms

they were all meant to be temporary

and they've kept me moving

forward and upward

and in the meantime...i had room for a friend and her baby to crash for awhile

i was able to host friends coming through town

and although i don't have as much freedom to offer beds for long periods of time

i can offer a couch...and my heart is still open

and in the meantime...i had time

to help friends pack up and move

to hold babies

to love on God's people

i've had the gift of time

and i hope i've used it well

in the meantime i've rediscovered

that God has been speaking to me all along

and i've found a community of faith where i've been able to explore that

and receive it as the gift it is

i've found spiritual family

not separate from the one i already had

but in addition to

and it's been amazing 

to grow and change and truly realize His giftings and operatings in my life

i have no doubt

that all this time

i've been exactly where i was supposed to be.

the coming months will be interesting

as we are talking more about our future

about how things are changing

and about where God is calling us

and though it frustrates me at moments to not know the answers to those questions

i have to laugh at myself

when i remember all that has transpired since i packed up that classroom

what a journey i've been on

what i've been asked to give up, lay down, and pick up instead

i have no doubt that my journey will lead me back into a classroom someday

but i wouldn't trade these last few years

for anything

you wanna talk life experience?

God has given it to me in crazy abundance.

and i'm certain

that i will remain exactly where i'm supposed to be

even if the "where" keeps changing

because the Who

will never change.

 

Fitness Friday: an obesity FORECAST?!

i know

i read that and went "really?"

and the article is here, should you want to read what sparked this post.

i think the line that got me the most in this was the following:

The lifespan of an obese person is up to 8-10 years shorter than that of a normal-weight person, the OECD said, the same loss of lifespan incurred by smoking.

um, wow?

but truly, it's good that studies are being done

i live in tennessee, which is (according to recent calculations) the 2nd fattest state in the nation.

yikes.

that's not ok

thankfully, our governor sees this as the huge problem it is, and has unveiled a plan to make some pretty major changes

more sidewalks, taxes on soft drinks, more frequent PE classes

among other things

hear me say:

i'm not at an ideal weight

but i am working toward it

i got a little out of control

and i can certainly see how that happens

but seriously

to be the fattest nation on earth

when we have the access to amazing, local produce

(or at least fresh-ish produce for those of you not near great farmers markets and groceries)

and we have the whole world literally at our fingertips

to research how to eat healthful and real food meals

exercise plans for every level of ability and need

what's our excuse?

really.

what will it take for us to take the doritos off our regular buying list

and replace them with (for the same price) a week's worth of crunchy vegetables and hummus?

when will we put down the expensive packaged cookies

and for a fraction of the cost, make a better and more healthful version?
(ahem -- it kind of drives me crazy when people complain about the cost of healthy food
when junk food is incredibly expensive!)

it's not about deprivation

it's about making smart choices

and yes.

i occasionally buy a bag of doritos

but it's not even once a month!

and i bought oreos for the first time in about 2 months yesterday

but i'm sure the cashier was a bit surprised by that addition to an otherwise healthy basket.  ha!

i guess the real question here

is when will we get off our (literal) butts

and start making our health a priority?

(i'm asking myself too)

for me...i need to learn that happy medium.  after struggling with eating disorders for years upon years

i started eating what i wanted 

i embraced recovery

and as i stated above, i got a bit out of control!

but now that i'm learning more about what my body actually needs

how it was designed to function

and how i can eat really good food

and still be healthy?

why would i NOT prefer that over a drive-thru?

all things in balance

all things in moderation

it's not about never eating anything unhealthy

-- unless you're a stronger person than i!

it's about learning to make that the exception rather than the rule.

(and for me...a cheeseburger tastes SO MUCH better when it's been weeks since i've ordered one!)

i'm still working away at my weight loss challenge

(which reminds me...must make an update post about that next week)

my goal is to be at a weight that i'm happy with

and want to maintain

by the time i'm shopping for wedding dresses.

that's my clear and eventual goal

to be thrilled with my body on my wedding day

and beyond

it's a tangible goal

beyond that, i want to raise children

who never have the same body image issues i did

who learn how to have that balance and healthful attitude

that i'm currently striving for

what about you?

you know...we could prove that forecast wrong.
i'm just sayin'

re●ve●la●tion

so this weekend was amazing

with the encounter retreat friday through sunday

and then a whirlwind trip to destin, florida

sunday through monday

(i'm happy to report that there is no sign of oil at seaside beach)

somewhere between tennessee and florida

the wheels that had been turning all weekend clicked

and since we had practiced "walking in the light"

(basically being completely honest about struggle/sin)

and had cast out all demonic influences

(including spirits of fear)

i had to share it with laura and meghan

and when i got home, anthony

and now i'm sharing it with you

for a few months i've been increasingly frustrated

that i keep losing 10 pounds (or so)

but gaining back 5

or losing 5 pounds

and gaining back 3

or losing a couple of pounds

and staying stuck at the new weight

because i am eating healthily(ish)

i have a fairly active lifestyle

and i'm young enough that it shouldn't be affecting my weight loss

and i've kind of had the feeling i'm sabotaging myself

with excuses not to exercise

with buying the occasional pringles can

and finishing it within 24 hours of purchase

with other very unhealthy choices

like crappy bedtimes, for example

but i've had no idea WHY the sabotage

(on another note: i've wondered how i let myself put ON this weight in the first place)

well...

here's the "click"

number one

i know myself

i know i have been delivered from my eating disordered past

and i know that i know that i know

that i'm not going to slip into old patterns

however,

because people who genuinely care about me

have made it a point to caution me about "my history"

they've instilled into me

(without meaning to)

a spirit of fear

so while *i know*

i'm not going to screw this one up

when someone says something

(or has in the past said something)

about the fear of me returning to old patterns

it makes me worry that i will

so therein, i lose 10 pounds

and think

"oh no!

what if i DO fall into old habits?"

or i lose 3 pounds

and say

"it could happen..."

well, yes

it COULD

but the reality is

i'm free of that

so why the fear?

because i'm letting other's expectations of me

(or the ones i perceive they have)

define my expectations

and since i perceive they expect me to fall into patterns

i'm trying to "prove them wrong"

(ps, this is how the weight crept on

because i was afraid of appearing to be obsessed with diet and weight

so instead i ate like i didn't care

and stopped moving

fear)

i'm not afraid of that anymore

and i won't let anyone return that spirit of fear into me

it's not from God

and i refuse to accept it anymore.

number 2:

because at my root

i'm a people pleaser

i also don't want to make anyone worry

or be disappointed with me

so if i'm not afraid of failing

i'm afraid of worrying someone

i have to do this for me

and if others worry, so be it

if others make comments

i'll simply "walk in light" with them

so that they know

i know

what i'm doing

so spirit of fear:

be gone

you have no place here

you are not welcome

extra pounds:

you're toast

Painting Pictures

At retreat this weekend, I shared this song with those at my table while explaining it's where I've lived my life for the last few years.

I had to laugh at the timing
as I consider old patterns
and how much easier it would be to use them as I set out to lose this weight.

There's no guarantee I will never slip back to Egypt
it's pretty tantalizing
but I've found life so much better through the desert.

Not sure what I'm trying to say here
but maybe someone else needs to hear this song

So here it is, on youtube
(lyrics following)



Painting Pictures of Egypt
Sara Groves

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

Monday's Memory: The One With The Crazy Connection

This incredibly special piece hangs in my bathroom where I can see it every morning. Not coincidentally, it hangs where it is in full view when I step on the scales.

If you look closely, you can see the wrinkles in the paper and the scuffs of the frame.

It will never change. It's how she gave it to me.

Martell found it in her daughters possessions after she tragically died, and for "some reason" hung onto it. Well...when I willingly entered in recovery she knew the reason. She gave it to me with the statement that she was sure Jennifer would have wanted me to have it.

I was humbled, honored, and grateful. For weeks, it hung in my bathroom and I thought no more of it than a treasured gift from a friend and her daughter who I will never meet this side of Heaven.

And then I invited my "support group" to my house one day. The first two to arrive were Martell and LaJuana. LaJuana being the interior designer immediately started walking through to see what new additions and colors I had added since the last time she had visited. For some reason she walked into my bathroom.

I'll never forget the tone of her voice.

"Where did you get this?"

She and I were alone upstairs at the time, and when I told her that Martell had given it to me and that it was originally Jennifer's she was really quiet...

And then Martell came up the stairs. LaJuana then explained to the two of us that she had created those papers--the paraphrase of the verse in that particular style and font for a young women's retreat she had done for the church that Martell and her family had attended at the time of Jennifer's death.

Full circle.

The odd thing was that LaJuana told us that she didn't think the retreat had gone well, and all these years had just hoped that one person was helped by what she had done there.

Knowing LaJuana, many lives were touched that she'll never know about.

But I have been encouraged and inspired by that retreat for years now.

(Martell, LaJuana and I on women's retreat later that same year. THAT is a story all it's own that I will share here someday...)

Thursday's Ten -- Your Bucket List

Welcome to Thursday's Ten! Please link up or grab the button (and let me know so I can visit you) and write your top ten list! It can be about anything or nothing, what's going on in your life or 10 of your favorite things. Or you can go with the theme I've picked out.



So, I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. Some of them silly, some of them strange, some of them deep and real. I am planning to do a big "30 before I'm 30" year starting next March, so I guess this post is kind a precursor to that.

What's on your bucket list? The things you want to do before you leave this world? That's what Thursday's Ten is about this week.

(clearly there are more than 10 things that most of us want to do before we die...just pick out 10 to share!)

Here's mine:

Bucket List

1. Get married and have children
2. Visit Ireland
3. Volunteer at an eating disorder recovery center
4. Drive the coast of the western US in a convertible...from Washington to SoCal.
5. Become licensed to teach yoga
6. Take a cruise
7. Enroll in a ballroom dancing class
8. Run a marathon
9. Learn to swim
10. Attend an Inauguration

Please sign up on the linky or grab the button and let me know you're participating...see you on your blog!

Titus 2 revisited

What have learned from another woman this week? (or ever)



Time to start explaining a bit about my latest post.
But first, let me introduce you to LaJuana.

LaJuana was one of the first people I met when I began attending Woodmont Hills, and for some reason we immediately clicked. She was the wife of our worship minister, and helped teach a women's class that I attended for awhile before I began volunteering in our youth group.

I didn't tell LaJuana I had an eating disorder...she figured it out and just asked me point-blank one day. Besides being shocked (I was REALLY good at hiding it), I was also relieved.

LaJuana was instrumental in my recovery, meeting with me to specifically talk about what was going on, literally pulling a support team around me (which I've written a little more about here), and assuring me that I am loved no matter what. Don't get me wrong--it was a HARD time, and I'm pretty positive I wasn't easy to be around during those years...but somehow she loved me through it.

And through all that we managed to live life as friends. And since recovery we've gotten even closer. Pedicures, lunches/dinners out, celebrating birthdays (her and I are 2 days apart and her husband is a week before mine), walks at Radnor, decorating her house and mine for Christmas, the tradition of Baja Burrito before church every Wednesday...

And when all our small group stuff went down (an affair between 2 members of the group as well as a LOT of other sexual addiction stuff that was discovered)...she understood why I, as the single person in the group, was affected so deeply. She was able to name it: "your dream of the future has been affected."

I swore off relationships.

And about a year and a half ago, she asked me to come over for lunch. While I was there she showed me a beautiful antique punch bowl and cups set that she had found on a New England vacation. When I told her they were perfect she said "good. because we'll be using them at your bridal luncheon."

I hadn't even realized that things in me were shifting and I was longing for romance, for relationship. It's funny...she often knows what I'm feeling before I can name it.

I found out two weeks ago that they are moving.
Atlanta isn't far away in the grand scheme of things...
It will be nice to have another person to visit there
But not having her physical presence in my daily life is overwhelming.

She won't be hosting a bridal luncheon
She won't be around to make an impromptu trip to the nail place
No more Saturday lunches
No more movie dates
No more Baja

I'm happy for their new opportunities.
But I am deeply mourning this.

Dotty

Emi thinks Anthony belongs to her, much because of this!

high school friends reunite--from left: Melissa and her fiancee Steven, Angie and her boyfriend Brian, and A and me

Last weekend Anthony and I went to my hometown to (gulp) stay with mom and dad overnight. The real purpose of this was to go to my 10 year high school reunion. Which was odd, fun, weird, and great all rolled up into one.

we stole a kiss when we visited my old high school

on mom and dad's front porch after church

Now, my parents aren't the most warm fuzzy people on the planet. Quite the opposite actually. So, bless Anthony, he was a real trooper through the uncomfortable silences and backhanded insults delivered at the hand of dad.

Sunday afternoon we escaped.

I've spoken some about my eating disorder history, but I don't think I've ever mentioned here that my school nurse in high school was much more than your average school nurse. She literally became my therapist, doctor, nutritionist...and friend.

My first real interaction with Dotty was when she called me into her office as a high school freshman and said "I noticed by your weight chart that you've lost xx pounds since this time last year."

I was in denial. I was sullen. I informed her there was nothing wrong. She informed me that there was, and that she would be weighing me weekly from then on out.

I was pissed.

HATED it. Didn't much care for her either. I was not very nice for the 3 months or so this went on. And then on one of my visits she said words I did NOT want to hear...but desperately needed:

"If you lose even one pound between now and next week I'm calling your parents."

I lost 3.

She called them. Long story short, nothing happened. They were also in denial, not wanting to think that their "perfect" daughter would ever have something so foul as an eating disorder. My father at one point over the next 24 hours said to me "you should probably eat more."

That was it.

And a huge part of me was relieved, but my spirit was crushed. To this day I don't feel like I can trust my parents, and to this day they do not know how deep my struggle was in high school and how it resurfaced and I ended up much worse off than I was *during* high school.

I continued losing weight until I was at a truly alarming and dangerous point. And something within me became terrified. I didn't know how to fix it, but I knew I had to. Slowly but surely I read articles on nutrition and tried to introduce more calories into my diet. And I prayed. A lot. By the time I entered my sophomore year I was at least up to triple digits again.

I still remember dropping a note by Dotty's office on my way in to school one spring morning asking if I could come to talk to her. Nearly a year after the awful scene when she told me "I won't weigh you anymore but I'm calling home today" I was called to her office, this time at my initiation. She closed the door and just looked at me, and it all came spilling out. That I was so sorry I'd been awful to her last year, that I really had been sick, that I had gotten scared and with God's help I was trying to beat it. I'll never forget the look on her face when she asked me how it had gone after she had called and spoken to dad and I told her nothing had happened. Before I left her office that day she wrapped her arms around me and for one of the first times I felt like I had an ally in all of this.

She retired that year. We kept in touch somewhat, but it was hard. My parents did NOT like our newfound relationship, and they certainly didn't understand *why* I wanted to talk to her...and I know they were threatened. She came to my graduation party when I left high school (at a healthy weight!) and we kept in touch all throughout college. And I still call her every month or two, write letters, etc. She was one of the only people I told when everything resurfaced. I was cleaning out my office right before Anthony and I left for Indiana and saw a card she had written to me right after she found out I was struggling again. And I immediately picked up the phone and called her...and asked if I could bring Anthony by to meet her while we were in town. She said absolutely.

So Sunday afternoon I took Anthony to my first house growing up (which is just a shell since it burned down a few years after we had moved), my grandmother's old house (which has been trashed by the new occupants :() and to the cemetary to visit Grandma too. And then we made a drive down a country road to see Dotty and Luther at their farm.

We literally sat with them for an hour and a half just talking and enjoying their company. They did all the things that "parents" should do when meeting the boyfriend--they were interested in A, asked him questions and were genuine in their response. Being with them for the two hours we spent at their place was SO therapeutic and healing for me. It had been years since I had actually been able to visit with Dotty, so this was an amazing gift...and to be able to share Anthony was just gravy :)

That's right...I said 2 hours. Because once we stepped outside to get back into the car we found out that 2 of their cats had kittens. And we played and enjoyed them for another 30 minutes. I fell in love with this one (and she followed me around until I picked her up and cuddled her) and am still toying with the idea of going back and getting her. Dotty said she would have sent her with me right then, but she was way too tiny for that.



After I finally put the kitten down, Dotty wrapped her arms around me, and as I do every time she hugs me, I felt secure and loved. Her whispered "I love you" didn't even need to be spoken for me to know it in my heart, and I'm sure that my echoed response was unnecessary as well.

I called Dotty yesterday just to thank her for letting us crash their Sunday afternoon. Her response was "We loved it! We're still talking about it." And then she went on about how much they adored Anthony and what a good man he is...and how they are looking forward to our next visit.

And honestly? So am I.

Wednesday's Walk -- my Journey to the Ridge

Today's memory is pretty simple. It's the moment I fell in love with Radnor Lake and Cheekwood Botanical Gardens, both close to where I live in Nashville.

I mentioned in my last post that there were 4 women from my church who were instrumental in my recovery. At their suggestion, I took a "personal retreat" for 3 days in June of 2005. I stayed at one of their houses so that I wouldn't have MY house to distract me, I stayed off my phone (SO hard) and off the internet. It was a time of drawing closer to God and learning more about myself.

On many levels I hated it, but it was exactly what I needed.

The first day I went to Radnor Lake. Honestly, I had lived here for 6 years at that point and I don't think I had ever visited before.

Now, it's important to remember that even though I was at a healthy weight I was NOT healthy. I was eating a very small amount of calories per day, and working most of those calories off. So I decided that this would be a great place to hike off the meager lunch I had eaten. I also chose the most strenuous path in the place--Garnier Ridge.

I shouldn't have. I wasn't in a good place physically and there was no one else on the path. Although I never got dangerously close to an edge, or blacked out walking (as I often did those days) the thought crossed my mind that I could pass out, hit my head on a rock, and it would take HOURS for someone to find me.

It was the first time I ever thought "I could die out here."

It was part of the turning point that my 4 friends and confidantes had prayed for. By realizing that I could die out there it finally hit home that my addiction could actually kill me. I, of course, knew that. In my head. But that was the first time my heart realized the truth.

Before the hike up the Ridge

I'm thrilled to report that I've returned to Radnor many times since that first visit. And I can now confidently hike the ridge without that awful feeling. Recovery has been amazing!

I'm not going to write a whole lot about Cheekwood, except to say that the day I went was a heat advisory day. No one was supposed to be out if they could help it. Which was actually kind of nice. First of all, I was always cold, so it felt great to me! Secondly, I got to enjoy the solace of my favorite spot of Cheekwood by myself. The Japanese water garden...is amazing.

The path leading there

A view of the garden--it was built to be enjoyed from the viewing pavilion, so I made sure to take pictures from that vantage point

part of the "outskirts" of the garden. I have this thing for walkways, roads...

Titus 2 Tuesday

What have learned from another woman this week? (or ever)



I'm a little overwhelmed right now. I need to write about a woman who has influenced me...and there are SO many that it's hard to decide who to introduce you to next.

So I'm going to write about Martell.

Martell was one of the first people I met when I began teaching and we immediately formed a bond. You see, I (with a degree in music education) was given 2 reading courses to teach--one 7th grade and one 8th grade. Since I had NO idea what I was doing and she just happened to be right across the hall and teach 8th grade language arts...and since we both stayed after school crazy weird hours because we share a workaholic tendency...we became fast friends.

I knew part of Martell's story before I really knew Martell. She had a daughter who was just a few months older than I am. But when we were 21--3 years before Martell and I met--she died in a freak hiking accident. I learned a lot about Jennifer and her story from her amazing mother.

Part of our bond was a natural course of events--I desperately needed a mother figure, she was able to be needed as a mother (does that make sense?). During the spring of that first year of teaching I put a contract on the condo, and in doing that told her that I was going to need a new church home as my current church would be way too much of a drive once I moved back into Nashville. She invited me to come to her church...and from the first time I walked through the doors I knew that God had brought me there. Sometime during that first year of teaching in our regular nightly chats I shared some of *my* story...the good, bad and ugly. And it was because of her and 3 other amazing women at my church (and many other scattered throughout that journey as well) that I finally made the choice to become healthy. I'll write about those other 3 at some point. But Martell was instrumental in my recovery. After all, she and I shared a lunch table every day. She overheard me give speeches to the cheerleaders that I coached saying "You have to eat enough calories to make it through the games!" And she held me when I cried my eyes out because I felt so hypocritical in those moments. And through it all, she just let me...be. It was largely because of her gentle and non-judgemental approach that I was able to finally just let go.

My principal and one of Martell's best friends both pulled me aside within a year of our friendship beginning and thanked me "for giving us Martell's smile again". Little did they know that she had given me a new lease on life as well.

One of the most flattering things Martell has ever said to me was that she thinks that Jennifer and I would have been great friends if we had ever met. That we both have the same passion for seeing young girls reach their full potential.

From her...there is no greater compliment.

I could fill pages about her. She's an adventurous soul and I've learned not to open my big mouth around her unless I truly mean it--hence the whitewater rafting trip the two of us went on and I can't SWIM. I was convinced I would drown. But I loved it--and have been back at least 5 times since that first trip down the Ocoee!

This picture is from that trip. It isn't a great shot of either of us--we had spent hours on the river, were still soaked and quite tired. We stopped and took the picture because "Greasy Creek" is such a typical thing to see in Tennessee and we were both amused. But I love the picture. It's framed in my living room, and it reminds me to try new things and not be afraid of the unknown.