pondered in my heart

i actually wrote this post back in february of 2010
so it's over a year old


but it just hit me that i'd never shared this part of our story with you
so here it is :-)

And Mary kept all these things…and pondered them in her heart.

I must have read those words a million times.

And found a startling understanding of them just a couple of months ago.

We had our annual women’s retreat (which I love) in which we played icebreaker
games (which I HATE). The first “game” was to find people we didn’t know and
make an “appointment” to have a quick chat with them. Total time for the game
was about 20 minutes, and we had to find 12 people.

Torture.

As SOON as we were ‘released’ to find our people, I felt a hand on my arm. It
was a woman I knew by sight and her words to me were “I’ve known Anthony
since he was tiny; we need to talk.”

Gulp.

Anthony, you see, grew up here in Nashville, and is a ‘favored son’ of this
congregation. So I was a bit intimidated.

When it came time for me to meet with her, she told me an amazing story.

You see, about 3 years ago it came out in the small group that I was a member
of and loved deeply that two of the people in that group, both married, had been
having an affair with each other for the previous 2 years. We were devastated.
And it didn’t end there. Over the next few months we all felt under attack as
more and more things came out into the open: mostly sexual sins, and none of
them good news.

I was the only single member of that group.

I swore off relationships. I had purposefully surrounded myself with people
who were in strong marriages, who were Christ-focused…who had everything I
desired for myself.

If they could fail so miserably…who was I to think my own marriage would be any
different?

I went through a very dark period of about a year before I began to see the
results—good results—of all this darkness in our group coming to light. I
watched as couple after couple began rewriting their love story. And I stood
amazed and began realizing that God can heal even what we break badly.

A few months later, Anthony and I started dating.

Anyway, back to the story the woman told me.

She has a son that was in the youth group—he was a senior that year (2007).
I know him by sight and occasional hello as well—I work with the middle
schoolers, so I didn’t have a whole lot of interaction with him.

Here’s what she told me:

“Boyd overheard you a few years back saying that you were planning to start the
adoption process within a few years and become a single mother. Is that right?”

I affirmed that indeed that had been my plan. She went on

“He came home and told me about it, and he made a commitment that day to
begin praying for you—that you would reconsider and that you would meet the
man God wanted you to marry…and that you would be open to love.”

Tears were welling up in my eyes at this point.

“He’s never stopped praying for you. And he was so thrilled when you and
Anthony started dating. He feels like he may have had a little hand in that…”

Wow.

It took a few moments to sink in.
In one of my darkest moments, there was a teenage boy that I barely knew
Who barely knew himself what “love” meant
And he was praying that I would find it.

Definitely a treasure that I have kept, and ponder in my heart.

what i'm loving wednesday .4

i'm loving this year's hockey season! our predators are currently playing the #1 team in the league, and holding our own.
i'm loving that we've selected our photographer.  she's amazing, in our price range, and (bonus!) she's actually the very first person i ever met in nashville.  i'll have to tell y'all that story sometime :-)
i'm loving my cell group girls.  such amazing spiritual insight, Godly conversations, and great taste in food (a bunch of sushi, thai, vodka pasta loving fiends!)
i'm loving the child wearing this t-shirt. i won't see him quite as often after this month (more about that later) but i have SO enjoyed these last few months with him.  and plan to babysit as often as they'll let me ;)

i'm loving the instagram app on my phone.  i was late to the party, but it's so fun to play with! (photo evidence below)

i'm loving the message that pastor alyn brought to us on monday night.  such a gentle, balanced perspective on our response as christians to the events of last weekend.  you can download it for free here (it's entitled 'justice is good.  but mercy is better'
(by the way, while you're there if you are in the nashville area or would like to be for memorial day weekend there's a link to a FREE conference as well.  it's called the MORE conference, and all you need to do is register :)  look for the tab at the top of the page)
i'm loving that we'll be having sunny days for the next few at least...seems like RAIN has been here more than anything else and i am ready for a tan!  i mean...a walk...or run...or something.
i'm loving my sweet hubby to be.  sometimes i feel like all of this wedding planning is a dream that i don't want to wake up from.  soooo happy i get to spend the rest of my life with him :)

Monday's Memory: the one with the white elephant exchange

once upon a time, in that wonderful small group i was in

(before things came to light that eventually caused our necessary disbanding)

we gathered for a Christmas party, complete with a white elephant gift exchange

all of us aimed for goofy gifts.

and they were all fantastically silly

but i will never forget that when i opened the gift i had selected from the pile

(right before the laughter broke out)

my friend michael (his son is the one i now nanny for)

said calmly and dryly

"well, you can be assured that no one will want to steal THAT one."

(here's about the point where he said it, actually.  i had no idea i had photos of that moment!)

 yeah...if you can't tell, i'm holding two identical plastic bags

both of which contained a fish

the look on my face kind of says it all.

(i told the group that if they stayed at my house they would be named "cat" and "food".  thankfully i taught across the hall from a teacher who had a fish tank in her classroom...so they became extra Christmas gifts for her!)

what's the funniest gift YOU have ever received?

recipe of the week: fruit skewers and tropical fruit dip

so it's beautiful and sunny

and HOT

and i'm trying so hard to be a fruit lover

(i love love love veggies. and i like most fruit. i just don't eat it all the time)

but i went to the store last week and picked up a few organic treats

strawberries

(ps, these were also amazing in the mojitos this weekend...)

kiwi

blueberries

pineapple (that one wasn't organic but i bought the real deal...and i figure not much can get through that tough skin)

peaches

and i got a message from our friend who hosts the small group on thursdays that i've been going to for awhile.

i had asked if i could bring anything and she said "something with fruit."

to which i had replied "just fresh fruit?"

and she said "whatever you want to do that involves fruit. i love your creativity in the kitchen"

(uh-oh.

now i feel the need to be creative-esque)

so because i didn't want to mess up the fruit

(because it's already perfect the way God made it)

i decided to enhance it with a fruit dip.

only i couldn't stand the thought of marshmallow fluff...

processed the heck out of

so i sought an alternative

and of course what i ended up with was very far removed from the actual recipe that i found

this one pictured was made with cool whip

however i'm most definitely going to make it with actual whipping cream next time

at least i'll feel better about it then :)

here's my new and improved recipe:

tropical fruit dip

1 (8 oz) block of reduced-fat cream cheese

1/2 cup sugar or stevia (please don't use man-made chemicals as sweeteners...soapbox moment!)

1/2 cup whipping cream, whipped

1/4 cup almonds, plus a few for decor on top

1 tsp vanilla

optional: about 1/4 cup shaved coconut (i'm not a fan but i put it in and people went CRAZY over it)

beat cream cheese and sugar together until creamy and combined well. mix in whipped cream, almonds, vanilla and coconut (if using) until well blended. pour into serving bowl and garnish with almond slivers/slices. refrigerate for at least 1-2 hours so that flavors will blend. serve with freshly sliced fruit

OR

you can make fruit kabobs like i did :D

(i think those are pretty self-explanatory)

Monday's Memory: The One With the Small Group Lunch

end of may, 2007

i'd just driven back overnight from a wedding in n carolina
(which will be a monday's memory later this month...more on that later)

when i look at this picture i smile
yes, i look tired
(i was!)

but i was with such good people
(from front to back)

randy and lajuana now live in atlanta
calvin and kathryne i still see regularly
richard and suz took a worship ministry position at another church in town
and michael and jes now has an adorable baby, finnegan (finn)

we seemed to nearly always gather around mexican cuisine
on wednesday nights especially
although this was a sunday afternoon
anytime we gathered
we laughed
cried
prayed
and loved

still love each other very much...
but times like the ones in this picture? very rare.
precious.

...here's what's going on...

I attended a small group last night for the first time with a couple of really good friends who know what's going on right now in my life.
the rest of the group members, including the leader, don't
however, we were asked to stand if we were there needing to make a decision
and i stood
they prayed
laid hands on me
and at the end the leader of the small group came, laid his hand on my head and said
"i've been given this to share with you:
you are so intelligent
but your formulas won't fix this
put down the pen and paper
stop trying to figure it out
He is your shepherd
He will rescue you from the side of this cliff
but YOU CAN'T DO IT"
(there was more than that, but i can't remember it all)

funny how timing works
i got part of my answer this morning.
not exactly what i wanted to hear
but what i've known in my heart
was the answer
for a couple of weeks now.

i'm losing my home
the one i bought at age 23
God is "releasing" me from it

foreclosure
is an ugly word
release
is not

so i choose to be released from this
i've been fighting for nearly two years
since losing my job
and it's time to stop fighting
stop working so dang hard
(no more 9 am - 1 am the next day days two or three times in a row)
because i'm worn out
and i'm giving up

the house was never mine in the first place
it was always His
and while it hurts--deeply
to let it go
it's time.

i still don't know what the next steps are
and believe me, i want to go back to the formula and try and figure it out
but i know that i know that i know
it's going to be ok.