on saturday i found inspiration in a bowl of pasta

which, if you know me, wouldn't necessarily come as a surprise
i do love my carbs.

but really
i was home after a session
at an amazing worship conference that's going on this weekend
and i was grabbing a quick lunch

i had made a pasta salad a couple of days earlier
and as i was cooking something else was absentmindedly eating a few bites of it
when some of the words spoken that morning began churning through my mind

words about the Living Water
rivers of Life
rushing water

i don't know how many times God uses references to water
when describing relationship with us, works within us, etc

i can think of several off the top of my head.

but the one that keeps throwing itself into the forefront of my mind
is

Jesus telling the woman at the well
that HE is the Living Water
and that if she drinks of the water He brings she will never thirst again

and as i looked down at my simple bowl of pasta it started to click in my mind

water...
this simple and abundant substance
does really wacky things to other objects!

like that dried out pasta that's too hard to eat
completely changes character after a few moments in the water
and...it never returns to it's original state

hmmm.

water causes growth in my garden
water purifies and cleanses anything it touches. 
boiling water sterilizes objects that are immersed into it. 
it refreshes and hydrates any living being that drinks of it

if plain tap water does all of that
water from the earthly sources of lakes, streams, rivers

how much more
can water from THE Source
cause growth...purify and cleanse...refresh...hydrate...bring life to us
completely change us

i don't know about you,
but i am ready for those rivers of refreshing, living Water
to completely wash over me
in a continuous flow

yeah...He's good.

there is a river whose streams make glad the city of our God (psalm 46.4)

in these moments

i'm not gonna lie.

it's been a pretty tough last few days.

beginning with a healing weekend (which was both wonderful and tough) in which i was kind of sequestered
and finding out moments after it was over of the death of a friend's twin brother
(he was a Marine and was killed in action in afghanistan)
and all kinds of crazy stuff in between

i haven't been doing a whole lot of writing the last few days
i've been doing a whole lot of listening
to what God has to say over me
to affirmations from those who love me
and who are walking this journey with me

i'm intentionally seeking time with God
letting Him speak over me
to me
through me

and that's been amazing.

sifting all the grime and pain away from the last few days
His little treasures shine all throughout it
and though i don't find this time easy
it is good.

however, writing is so therapeutic for me
so i will be here
in this little corner of the internet
even when i feel i have nothing of value to say.

may this week open your eyes
to those treasures that He has for you
to the people surrounding you that have been purposefully placed there

may you be able to say
with all certainty
into the face of anything that comes your way

"God's got this"

4.19

sometimes when i sit down

the words pour out of my fingers

like a melody

at other times

they are stilted and stammering

but they're still mine

i find this writing therapeutic

even if i can't share my deepest hurts

i can share where i am

even if the woundings are fresh

i can bleed all over the page

all over the screen

and find my healing

writing is powerful

it brings life to dead situations

it brings peace to me

when things look stormy

Thursday's Ten: MORE!

has anyone else felt that air of excitement yet?
it's a different feeling than i've ever felt at a simple flip of the calendar
it's...more anticipation.  more amazement.  more delight.
i can't explain it...but in talking to some of my friends i know i'm not alone in this.

i've decided on my word of the year.
more

it's not a material thing at ALL.
more of a spiritual, relational, and well-being thing.

and here's what i want more of in 2011

1.  God, Jesus, Holy Spirit.  MORE -- way, way MORE.
2.  healthy habits.  more water, more veggies, more fruit, more sleep, more exercise
3.  more provision, more opportunities to make money while still allowing me to continue investing in people that i love
4.  more opportunities to give, more money to tithe, more ways to help
5.  more time with anthony, more time spent in purposeful love and connection
6.  more trips to see family (his and mine), more time spent with loved ones here
7.  more girlfriend time.  more cell group, more chick flicks, more glasses of wine, more mojitos, more road trips
8. more communication with those i love via face to face, phone, email, facebook, text...whatever way keeps me in touch!
9.  more writing, more reading, more reflecting
10.  more opportunities to practice and use the gifts that God has blessed me with. 

what do you want more of this year?  join me in believing that there is MORE to be had in 2011.  as one of my friends said the other night: "2011...open heaven".  meaning it's right there ready to drop down.  come ON!

black and white...or gray?

seems like a lot of my favorite things are black and/or white

newspapers

which carry my weekly coupons

white house, black market

which carries clothing that i love

the little black dress

my macbook

but so many things are just not.

and i find myself frustrated with those who try to make gray (or orange...or purple) things black and white.

like women's roles in the church

which i don't even think should be a discussion

like handing out condoms in schools

which i may not like, but i still support--as long as proper education is there as well

like whether alcohol is evil

i don't think it is...but i understand for some people it is, and i do respect that

(i sense longer blog posts for every one of those little categories in my near future!)

there are so many things in life that fall into that gray area

i like gray

what i don't like is people trying to explain away the gray

trying to dilute it into white or darken it to black

not all things are purely good

or purely evil

and i wonder

why we seem to find ourselves focusing on gray so often

here's what i know to be black and white

God loves me

He sent his Son

to save the world

john 3:16

my job now

is to help out however i can

...go into all the world...

to show people that love

to take care of the earth

not to be eco-chic, but to truly care about God's creation

to make my divine appointments

(or rather, to make my appointments divine)

that looks different for everyone

sometimes i'm not sure what it looks like for me

but that's what matters.

why focus on the gray?

...when...

when i have a little girl

i shall build her a dollhouse

not a plastic pink barbie shack

but a real, wooden, quality house

with stairs

because it never made sense to me

how dollhouses could have so many floors with no way to get up and down them.

and when i have a little boy

i'll build him a train track

with interconnecting railroads

and streets going through it all

so that he can play to his heart's content

with trains and cars

(and so can i)

and i'll go fishing with them

(and make their daddy bait the hook)

and my little girl will climb trees

and my little boy will learn to nurture baby dolls

and we'll camp in the living room

and have picnics in the playroom

there will be dancing and singing

swimming and sports

taking them to ball games

and concerts

and church

that's what i'll do with my children...

what about you?

page from my journal (2)

the seagulls are teasing me,

elusively avoiding my camera angles

yet coming close to beckon me

when i lay the instrument down

like so many dreams of life

which seem to taunt me

laughing as i raise my interest

as i try to capture them

only coming closer when i give up

today

i will chase my dreams

and today

i will capture

a picture

of a seagull

(i'm in delaware with a couple of friends...this was written yesterday as we boated around the bay...and yes, these pictures were taken...that day)

sparrows

*written last friday after arriving at the cabin*

they were everywhere today.

one landed in front of me as i walked into the grocery store

pausing every few moments to turn

and look at me

inquisitively

as if he were wondering about what was going through my head

just as i was wondering what was going through his.

then as i sat in traffic, trying to just get out of town

they kept landing in front of my car

taking a moment to splash in a puddle

in the midst of heavy traffic

only flying away when the light would change and traffic

began moving.

it took a few times -- and then i got it.

i'm a sparrow too

and God is watching out for me

just like He is for them

i don't think it coincidence

that my favorite song to play on the piano

when i am stressed or at the end of whatever rope i've been clinging to

is

"His eye is on the sparrow"

oh -- i know He watches me

and that is why

through death

foreclosure

asthma

floods

and whatever else may come

(and it will)

i am ok.

...so incredibly proud...

le boyfriend and i haven't seen a *whole* lot of each other over the last few weeks

not due to my crazy schedule

or the foreclosure, moving, asthma, or flood

(someday i'm going to come up with a catch-phrase for that month.

current top runner is *hell*)

but because something incredible was happening in his life.

you see, he's been a gaming enthusiast all of his life

and has converted me to a few of said games

(i still don't know a fraction of what he knows though)

and he has had a passion/dream of writing about the industry

and a few weeks ago

he got his chance!

he applied for an internship with a website

that is apparently a pretty big deal

and was accepted along with 3 other people

and less than a week after submitting

his very first feature article

he's published!

please go here and check him out

and if you're like me

and have little or NO idea what he's talking about

pass the link on to those people

(boyfriends, husbands, brothers, sisters, roommates, neighbors)

who do understand!

(pardon my gushing...i'm just a little bit proud)

Nashville: 11:39 pm

boulevard of broken dreams...broken cars...broken people, broken lives
strange sights, strange sounds, strange land
creeped out drivers plod through wasteland, wantland, needland
amazed and astonished at what lies before them

blue lighting up the skies on every turn
abandoned highway where there should be plenty,
abundance of cars
sits silently in wait of the lone driver, the adventurer

she drives alone, terrified yet enthralled
heart pounding with excitement, with fear
knowing the strange silence of these nashville highways
is temporary

the dark thoughts that swirl around her mind will disappear

light will come

the hustle and bustle will return
normalcy will come
and until then

she must drive on

Enough, Part 2

Last year, my mother's day blog looked like this. Not many of you were around--ok, I don't think ANY of you were around.

This year, I'm in a different place. But sometimes I still wonder if it's enough.

Last year, I wrote in despair of ever finding relationship with a Godly man. This year, I have that. And am so thankful for it. It's enough. It's better than enough. It's more than I dreamed it would be. (thanks honey, for following Him so well and being so good to me.)

Last year I wrote of the deep aching in my heart for a child. If I am honest with myself, being a nanny to a child from the age of 9 months to 2 1/2 years probably intensified that longing and made it worse. As much as I loved her, I was not her mother and some days I was painfully aware of that. When that relationship was stripped from me I grieved it, deeply. But I think I'm healthier for it now. Is my longing for a child nonexistent? No. Not at all. But I'm reminded that I have many children in my life who love me, and I love them. And for now, that is enough.

It is enough that today I actually entered the sanctuary on Mother's Day and sat through the service. Maybe next year I'll actually enjoy that time...but today it is enough that I went, and that I didn't go running out the back door during the first prayer for mothers as was my instinct.

It is enough that today I called my parents and wished my mother a happy day.

So while I am still not a fan of mother's day, I celebrate my friends who are mothers and those who have mothers. I choose to celebrate in my own way, and someday down the road I will love mother's day. I have deep faith in that.

But today, it is enough that I write my feelings and then go for a run to release the emotions brimming in my soul.

Right now...it is enough.

Ash Wednesday Memory (2008)

This was written the day after Ash Wednesday last year. I am sharing it here because I wasn't too active in the blog world at the time I wrote it, so most of you have probably never seen it unless you're on my facebook or myspace pages.


reflections from the last 24 hours:

I overslept this morning. But that's not the story.

I got pulled over last night. But that's not the story either. Well...not really.

Ok, so I was feeling *really* good last night. I'm on my way home from Mass thinking how this Lenten season is going to be so spiritually building for me and how I think I finally have things in perspective...bad thoughts.

I was fully praising God--I was singing one of the songs the choir did, I mean I had my hand raised and everything. I completely lost track of...well, everything. And then I saw the cop...

After I pulled over I couldn't remember where my hazard lights were. Seriously, I must have looked for them the entire time it took him to pull in behind me and walk up to the car. Because I literally turned them on and he knocked on my window. So of course now I'm thinking 'great...now he thinks I was looking for something and is going to search the car.'

He was absolutely the nicest cop that has ever pulled me over. And I was completely honest with him...I mean I had ashes on my head for crying out loud...I told him I was praising and got carried away.

He comes back to the car and hands me my ticket to sign (yeah. don't even get me started on the fact that I have NEVER been pulled over and NOT gotten a ticket. Seriously. Good thing I'm rarely pulled over!) I joked that this was a nice way to start off Lent and he says "I'm sorry. I really hope this doesn't put a damper on things for you". Yeah. Like it's his fault, right?

He then proceeds to tell me that they're always in that spot so to make sure I'm within 10 miles above the limit when I pop that hill. (yeah. he tells me that and *still* I get a ticket!). And then he tells me that he really likes my glasses. See? Told you. Nicest cop ever.

He pulls off and I can't find my license anywhere. I mean, we're talking dump the purse, search the glove compartment, get out of the car looking. I finally gave up and called the police (furthering the "Lora is an idiot" claim) and they call him...he tells them it's not in his car. I later get a voice mail from HIM saying "I'm sure it'll turn up in your car. I distinctly remember handing it to you and you switched it from your left to right hand." So meanwhile I'm having nightmares about being pulled over again and having to tell them "I'm sorry, I don't have my license. I think the other cop must have it."

So by the time I get home I'm pretty worked up. I dump my stuff in the house and go back out to the car to look under the seats and all (because you don't want to do that on Briley Parkway). No license. I walk back in the house and trying to calm myself with a bit of humor I say:

"Who's that patron saint of lost things again?!?"

Now, I don't often claim to hear the 'Voice of God'...actually, I don't think I've ever claimed that. But I swear to you, at that very moment I heard:

"I am all you need"

I started to say something and heard it again.

"I am all you need"

Whoa. God of the universe has just taken my joke and made it into a serious moment.

At this point I just lost it. Began crying and shouting "I know! I know You are all I need. But I don't feel that way right now. and I haven't in awhile. I want to, but I don't."

Whew. Can we say a year of frustration and questioning all came to a head in that moment? God and I had some talking to do.

A few moments later--after that chat--I put on my pajamas and decided to look in the car one more time. I grabbed a flashlight, opened the door, and the light hit it. It had *somehow* landed under the seatbelt hook on the floor.

(makes you wonder, doesn't it?)

Now...in my opinion, this is an awfully expensive way to learn that God is all I need. Apparently all the free ways were taken. In the grand scheme of things, a ticket and temporarily lost license are not that big of a deal. But if I don't trust who He is in the little things, how will I trust him when the next bombshell comes? Because...there will be one. No amount of not going to retreats or withdrawing away from people I love will change that.

So that's what I learned yesterday, as cliche as it sounds. God is all I need. He is present in ALL things--even those situations we've been dealing with lately that seem so ungodly.

And one more thing...if you tend to worship as you drive, I highly recommend cruise control!

Monday Memory

This is another piece I wrote, this time back in '06. We were supposed to put ourselves into a story during a church leaders retreat, and this is what poured out into my journal. I had the most *real* sense of Christ twirling me in the air...


Matthew 10:13-17People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.(NIV)

I smell the fragrance of the flowers as I skip through the meadow. I know there is need to hurry, but I stop anyway and make flower jewelry. I find the most beautiful purple flowers which I weave carefully into a necklace.

My mother comes back and scolds me. We can’t miss this, you shouldn’t be wasting time. I can feel a tear trying to make its way to my eye, but I will it back knowing that if my mother sees it there will be more scolding.

We continue walking and I clutch my precious necklace to my chest, inhaling the sweetest of perfumes. This is my new treasure.

When we reach the place I stand in awe looking at all the people. In the middle of the crowd is a man, surrounded by some of the other children from my village. He looks towards me and I can feel the welcoming kindness in his eyes.Suddenly I’m running, not caring anymore if my mother minds. The grass tickles my bare feet as I dance around him, laughing and squealing with delight along with the other children. I can’t remember when I’ve felt so much joy!

Somewhere in the distance of my mind I hear some men who seem irritated at all of us. I’m not really hearing them or paying attention to what they are saying until the kind man says “Stop! Let the children come to me.”

He looks at me tenderly as I gaze back at him. He brushes my hair back from my face and strokes my cheek as he says “I tell you that anyone who doesn’t receive the kingdom of God like a little child will not enter it.”

I have no idea what he is talking about, but I can feel the power and love from this kindest of strangers. His eyes twinkle as he looks at me and then he picks me up in his arms and twirls me in the air until I feel as if I am soaring with the eagles. I feel my hair lift and fly in the air as well and I giggle. When he puts me down he again touches my cheek and smiles.

I hardly know what I am doing until I have already lifted my treasure, my beautiful necklace, from around my own neck. It will never fit him, but I place it on his head just like a crown. For just a moment I see something else flash in his eyes—sadness?—but then he hugs me close again and kisses my forehead. I feel something inside that I have never felt before and somehow I know that I will never be the same again.

It has been many years since that day but I often think about Jesus and all the things that happened after that day. Sometimes I think of the next crown he wore and I cry. But I never pass a meadow without stopping and smiling as I remember the most wonderful of days. And when I find some beautiful purple flowers I make another necklace, just because.

Blog from the Backyard

This is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote after swing dancing this weekend. Enjoy :0)

In the corner near us and the band was a beautiful young girl, her flowing brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her partner was a tall and dashing man with thick wavy hair. They were so obviously in love--they never once seemed to notice the swirling dancers around them or the fact that I can't stop watching them. I took note of their simple matching rings. I envied them--their obvious deep love, their lives just beginning...and then I blinked. Sunddenly I saw his snow white hair, her gently wrinkled face. Instead of living on the brink of a life together they are closer to the end of their time. I can imagine that the days they have lived have brought many sorrows as well as joys, pain as well as promise. Yet, they are so full of love and hope that I simply cannot take my eyes away.

She smiles coyly as he spins her out and back, and they sway together in the way that only those that truly know their partners can, looking deeply into each other's eyes. This is their story, their beautiful legacy, and I find myself wanting to continue it.

I'll probably never know their names. But I hope one day, when I have hair streaked with gray and I am nearing the end of my journey, that someone will see me dancing with my soulmate and be as inspired by our story as I have been tonight.

Enough

Enough: A Mother’s Day Reflection

Even though I skipped the service at church today, I did fulfill my obligation to the teens, and led class. During the worship time, we sang a song that we sing often, only today I just stood there. I couldn’t bring myself to sing the words. The chorus of the song is this:

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

I couldn’t help thinking that the teenage girls singing the song had no idea how hard it may be in the future to sing those words and mean them. And I myself have sung them so many times, deeply and passionately, believing each one. But today was different.

So many questions fill my mind. IS all of Him more than enough for all of me? My head says “yes” and my heart says “maybe”. Because the next two lines are what get me.

“For every thirst and every need”. Will my life in Christ, which is vibrant and faithful really replace my longing to be in relationship with a Godly man? And fulfill the even deeper aching for a child? Up until now it has. But over the past several months I find myself looking for more. I don’t want it outside of God’s Will…but is His Will going to crush my dreams? Yes, this is where faith enters in…and suddenly I am terrified of my deep faith.

“You satisfy me with Your love”. But the truth is, I’m not satisfied anymore. I’m shaky as I admit this, because I should be satisfied. I’m living the single girl’s dream: I have a fabulous house, a wonderful job, and things are good—in most ways better than good. I’ve finally came to peace with myself and my demons of the past. I’m healthy and I’m happy. I have wonderful friends surrounding me. But satisfied? No. If I am honest, I realize that is not the case.

So where does that leave me? Am I any less a God-seeker now? I don’t think so. I certainly hope not. But maybe today I’m a little less faithful, a little less trusting. And I’m hoping that’s where I’m supposed to be. Maybe in my state of disequilibrium, real joy will be found.