monday's memory: the one with the signing of lots of papers

exactly one month ago
nearly 4 years (3 years and 11 months) after finding out i was losing my home
we signed papers and became homeowners

anthony for the first time
myself given a second chance
the loan is not in my name. we aren't yet done rebuilding my credit from the horrid hit it took way back then. but my name is on the deed

i feel like it's come full circle. that i am being given back in buckets what was taken from me. so grateful that redemption is a part of my journey. so thankful to have a place that's really OURS. and the timing of this and so much more is not escaping me. 

i'll show you photos of the inside once we get unpacked. so in approximately 6 months ;-)

but here we are in front of our adorable house!

and here is anthony giving emi her first tour of our new digs. thankfully, she approves because we aren't leaving here for awhile!

it's that time of year again

the one where i hate to ask for a donation, but since it's for a great cause i'm putting it out there anyway.

last year a friend invited us to be a part of a hike for the homeless here in nashville

we joined, thinking it was a good cause, and the hike was really enjoyable.  and TOTALLY family friendly.  if you're in the nashville area, message me and i'll give you some info about being involved!

the hike is this saturday, november 5.

i'll be hiking with a jogging stroller this year, since i will be with a 4 and 2 year old all weekend.

but really, what i'm doing doesn't matter.

there are so many homeless families in this area, and my heart aches for them.

perhaps it's because for all practical purposes i should have been one of them last april.

i had enough of a support system that i had several choices of places to go when i lost my house due to a mortgage company screw-up.

but not everyone is blessed with the quality community and network that i have.

i want to scream when i hear people casually dismiss the entire homeless population as lazy, irresponsible, substance-abusing, and not worthy of time or money.

it's simply not the case.

in the last few months, i've found that God highlights people on the street to me.  sometimes it's to make a donation (most of them are vendors for the homeless newspaper).  other times it's to have a conversation, to encourage them and to leave with tears in my eyes.

the next time you encounter a homeless person, instead of averting your eyes and crossing the street to avoid him (hmmmm, good samaritan story vibes...) why don't you have a conversation?  just listen.  or if you want to DO something, bring her a cup of coffee and a bagel?  or take them to the nearest mcdonalds for a quick meal that will cost you little but mean the world to a family who is hungry?

if you don't live in an area with a homeless population, why don't you ask God to begin highlighting people to you who are in need?  that doesn't necessarily mean financially.  ask Him how you can encourage and bless the individuals He points out to you, and then ACT on what He tells you!

i can promise you, you'll never be the same.

ok, i got off on a bit of a tangent...but the whole point of this post was to ask you that if you feel led to donate to a wonderful agency who does some really important work with the homeless population of tennessee...you can donate to my personal hiking page here (i don't handle the money for it at all; it goes straight to safe haven) or to anyone else on my team.

if you live close or know my address, feel free to give a check or cash (made out to "safe haven") to me and i'll take it to the hike on saturday.

and if this isn't something you feel led to do but you do feel called to make a difference somewhere, use your connections.  find something that you're passionate about and start helping where you can.  it makes more of a difference than you think it does, and it will impact you more than you realize.

settling in

at the end of june, anthony found out that his job had an expiration date
which was the end of august

clearly, not the BEST timing in the world's eyes
but we couldn't help think
that God was probably up to something

(little.did.we.know.)

we struggled for a few moments whether to apply at the townhomes we were interested in
finally settling on applying as we had planned
only stepping back if no job prospects had materialized for him by the time we were supposed to sign the lease in early september
a step of faith

and we continued tithing and giving beyond that when we felt so inclined
feeling that God has SO blessed us
that there's no reason to hang onto money that's not even ours
out of a spirit of fear

life went on
anthony began the job hunt
we were thankful that they had given him 2 months notice
but there were still some fearful moments

and then, in mid-july
i was driving home from job #1 on a friday when he called me
and the conversation started like this
"you are not going to BELIEVE the conversation i just...
actually...YOU'RE going to believe this."

he proceeded to tell me that our friends who had recently moved out of state
had been wanting to rent, rather than sell, their home
and that they really wanted us to live there
so much that they had low-balled the rent to $100 less per month than we'd be paying at the townhome.

when our friend T, the realtor handling all this
called him to tell him this
he explained that while that was an INCREDIBLY good deal
and one that would be perfect
we just weren't in a position right now to do that
because of his job uncertainty
and while we would obviously hate to not be able to pay rent at an apartment complex
we would REALLY not want to do that to friends

at that point she said "it's interesting you mention that..."
and explained that for some time these friends of ours
had been feeling that God might be asking them
to use this house as a ministry
to let people who are struggling financially
(just lost jobs, just starting out, paying down debt, etc)
stay in the house for a very reduced rent
or even free

we went to see the house the following sunday
and were absolutely floored
easily 3 times (at least) the size of the townhouse
(it's like God said "ok, I'll see your townhouse and I'll raise you...")

at the end of a cul-de-sac
facing the woods...
it's perfect.

and it's perfect for so many reasons

our mission statement that we had to write in our marriage prep class went something like this
"our mission is to serve and love families through hospitality, writing and teaching."

we thought it would be years before we'd be able to REALLY put that hospitality thing to work
but this house?  completely enables us to not only host large gatherings, but to offer beds and rooms to guests and friends for extended periods of time.  it's SO our heart to do that, and God just handed us the perfect place to do so.

anthony loves to tell people that before we were ever engaged we talked about "dream homes" for WAY in the future.  our list included the following *small* details

- a window over the kitchen sink (my wish)
- no tile tubs/showers (a's wish)
- a deck and nice backyard
- close to an interstate (a must in nashville) but a quiet neighborhood
- family friendly neighborhood
- a fireplace
- a big tub (me again)
- a HUGE kitchen
- lots of natural light
- a bonus room for a man cave (guess who ;-)

guys.  this house?  has every.single.detail and more.

my favorite part of the story has to do with a prophetic word that one of our pastors gave me a few months ago.  he was talking about my life and the things that had been taken unfairly.  and he said "there's a verse in the Bible that says that when the enemy steals something for you he has to repay it 7-fold" and that he really felt i would see fruit of that verse over the next several months, in every facet of my life.

when the mortgage company made that huge error last spring, i ended up with 10 days to move out of my condo

the other day i got a bit curious and decided to count the number of days from the day T had said "yes, absolutely start moving your stuff in the house whenever you'd like" to our wedding date.

i re-counted after the first count.

because the number?  was 70.  exactly 70.  7 times the amount of days i had to move a year and a half ago.

if i hadn't already been sure this was God...i certainly would have been at that moment.

meanwhile, anthony is working a temporary gig for the next several months
but we've been told to not pay a cent of rent until after our wedding.

God.IS.Good
don't you ever, ever doubt it

lessons from songs: that place you thought you'd be

on one of the cds i asked for (and received) on christmas, the ditty bops cheerfully sing about being
"in between the place you thought you'd be
and where you are"

might i just suggest that actually BEING in the in between spot they sing about
is not quite as cheerful as they make it?

because...the times i've felt that i'm not where i *thought* i would be
the moments i dwell on where i am in life
and compare it to where my expectations had placed me
the former loses.
every time.

but does that have to be the case?
after all, life experiences would be so few
if i was where i thought i would be.

i laugh at my younger self sometimes
when i think that at the age of 18, i thought by now
i'd be married with a couple of kids
and then at the age of 25
i was positive i would never marry and would just adopt
two very small examples of where i thought i'd be
and where i am
(by the way, where i am is SO much better than either of those scenarios)

but there are the other things
by now i thought i'd have lived in my house for almost 8 years
where i actually am is in a spot of ruined credit and a foreclosure to put the cherry on top
by now i thought i'd have landed a job back in the classroom
where i am is completely loving what i do
but without health insurance of any kind (which means that going on birth control in a few months is gonna be tricky...)

however
(and there's always one of those, right?)
i am so thankful for where i am!

some of it has been kicking and screaming
but most of it hasn't
especially once i learned
that my decisions
aren't going to screw up God's plan

they may screw up MINE
but mine isn't the one that ultimately matters, right?

might i (gently) remind you
that if you're not where you thought you should be
it may be because of choices you've made?


here's the thing i'm learning
slowly but surely

i am in the place i thought i should be

it's all about me

my hopes
my dreams
my wants
my supposed needs

but where i actually am?

God is here
and that
THAT
is what makes the place i am
so much better
than where i ever thought i would be.

a year in review, 2010

little did i know when i did a similar post last year what would happen in 2010. it's been a CRAZY year!

january
i perfected a bloody mary recipe, i ran a wild 5k and subsequently injured myself the next day and it finally snowed in nashville! (and i took pictures)

february
we had an amazing and sweet valentines day with amazing flowers, and then...well, life kind of started exploding...and not in a great way.  it was mid-february that anthony's granddaddy entered the hospital with some sort of unknown (at the time) pain

march
anthony's granddaddy passed away only a few days after discovering that he had stage 4 cancer. i celebrated my birthday (anthony gave me a wii!) and found out that the mortgage company had made a huge error...

april
God remained ever faithful -- that seemed to be the theme of this month.  i got the official word that i had lost my house, and i had 10 days to move out.  and that's when the CRAZY God-stuff began happening. anthony's sister got baptized at church on the last day we were moving me out.  i was the featured WOW blogger one day. i had a massive asthma...event...among other things...and ended up in the ER and staying in the hospital overnight. i was thankful to see the calendar change from april to may until...

may
the first weekend in may, nashville flooded.
one of my best friends in indiana got married and i was in the wedding, anthony had his first published article, i spent a fantastic weekend in the gatlinburg area with my suitemates from college.

june
i spent a long weekend in delaware with laura and izzy, started a new summer nanny gig with two precious kids, i wrote a little about provision and other deeper subjects

july
God signed me up for a fantastic retreat weekend (no, really), anthony's grandma passed away, about 20 minutes after her graveside service my car was totaled when it was parked on the street -- hit and run, i headed to the beach for a whirlwind trip with some girlfriends
 
august
i began working for my friends as a nanny to their sweet little boy, we traveled to kansas city and loved our time with family there, i replaced my car

september
this was the month of CRAZY weekends!  we went to st louis with friends, had a retreat with the youth group,  we went to holiday world, i went to arkansas with natasha.

october
i attended an awesome prophetic conference where i actually was on a team that GAVE prophetic words...amazing, i got pretty real on the blog

november
i took the time to finally write out how God has orchestrated my every move for the last 2.5 years, we continued our tradition of visiting the christmas village, we found out a favorite nashville store was closing

december
we got not one but TWO white christmases!  we visited my family in indiana for our first christmas in mid-december...and it snowed.  and it snowed here christmas eve and christmas day which was a lovely thing.  it hadn't snowed here on christmas since anthony's childhood!  i joined a wonderful cell group of Spirit-filled and amazing girls.  december was pretty much a blur and i didn't blog very much of it...but that just means i was out living it :)

so 2010.  it was a very interesting year.  what a range we've been through!  heartache, loss, love, provision, abundance, and just crazy things!  i think i'll look back on 2010 as one of the best years of my life, as strange as that sounds.  yes, i lost so much in the material sense.  but what i gained in return -- what God has blessed me with -- is so much better than anything i had before. 

i can't WAIT to see what He has for me -- for us -- in 2011.  if this year was this crazy and amazing...just wait.  buckle up, guys.  i have a feeling it's going to be one awesome ride!

look up

when i was little i thought there was something magical about the christmas tree.
and i still remember deciding that what i wanted more than anything
was to be able to sleep underneath it
with all the lights on
and the nativity scene behind me

my parents realized that this was a true desire
and eventually they allowed me to spend ONE NIGHT every year under the tree

it was a night i always looked forward to
i think it was looking up in the lights and branches that enthralled me
that seemingly endless beauty
that lifted up, to where my young eyes could barely catch a glimpse of the angel

it was looking up
that was my favorite part

and as i look at my tree
sitting by a seemingly unfamiliar window
a window that isn't "mine" really

i'm captured again by the lights
the beauty
the simplicity
and i'm reminded
to look UP

in this season of the year, it's important
and in this season of my life...
well, it's vital.


(...peace on earth...)

journey

“It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace…God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through”

- Francis Chan

bear with me

this is a post that's been knocking around in my head for quite a few days.

you would think that because of that...it would be all smooth and polished.

but it's not.  and i have to believe that i am supposed to write it all out here, in it's raw and unadulterated form.

i've sometimes grown weary of well-meaning people saying to me

"well, God has a plan for your future"

when i fully know that

but i believe that God also has a plan for my right now

as i stated, i know they mean well

but it makes me sad to think

that they think

i've been somehow lost and abandoned in all this

unemployment hasn't done that...nor has foreclosure

and i pray that their spiritual eyes will be open 

to the fingerprints of God that are all.over.everything in my life

you see, the journey to get where i am today began well over 3 years ago.  

God was in the midst of amazingly delivering me from eating disorders

and i was feeling a holy (and i purposefully use that word) discontent

knowing that i loved teaching, i loved my students

but for some reason

i was uneasy staying in the classroom

and so i began to pursue other options

i very clearly heard God saying to do this

and i very clearly knew that the family i eventually left the classroom to work for

(the ones who turned around less than a year later

and fired me

with no good reason)

was exactly where i was supposed to go

could i have had any idea of the path i was stepping onto?

no

and i don't necessarily believe that God ordained the family to go psycho randomly let me go

i believe that there was free will involved

and that free will led them to these decisions

but i do believe

that God sometimes gives prophetic words

to people who don't even believe in prophetic words

(to borrow a phrase from one of my favorite pastors, alyn: He's Jehovah Sneaky)

i remember a friend of mine

who most definitely does not go to a church that believes that God is actively speaking to His people

although they wholeheartedly believe in the love and grace of our God

told me that upon hearing of my situation

of being fired suddenly, of the ridiculous nature of the way i was released from that position

all she could think about 

was the verse about joseph

"they meant it for evil but God meant it for good"

(it's genesis 50.20.  in the NLT it's: you intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.)

i remember taking ahold of that verse

and claiming it

not realizing *literally* until this moment as i sit here typing this

that it was actually a prophetic word over me

that God gifted a woman who may not even acknowledge the reality of that gifting

the exact words i would need for the next 2 years

if i had known the crazy and tumultuous at times path the decision to leave the classroom would lead me on

would i have left?

would i have been obedient?

i have no idea

but i hope so.

because of losing my job at the time i did, i was able to step in and work with a family for a few months who have a child with severe behavioral issues.  those mornings with him were some of the most trying of my life.  i had to keep my cool, use techniques for keeping myself and him safe, and...probably the hardest thing of all, pass the neighborhood where i knew the little girl i had loved for over a year was being cared for by someone else.  and yet, i grew.  i maintained patience, learned new coping techniques, and knew that for that moment i was exactly where i was supposed to be.

once the family had found a permanent solution that better fit their family's needs, one of my friends told me that her boss's wife was very ill and they were looking for someone to act as a caregiver during the day.  meeting that family opened up opportunities for me to serve -- taking her to doctor's appointments, and as she regained her strength to lunches and hair appointments and her weekly Bible study.  "driving mrs n" was sometimes a stretch for me...because she was from a very conservative church and i'm fairly certain she thought i was WAY too liberal...but we kind of fell in love with each other.  and i'll never forget the conversation we had one day that confirmed to me that i was exactly where i was supposed to be.

during my time with mrs n, i also contracted with a company to write educational training materials and presentations.  this was purely because of a contact i had from a small group at my church that i babysat for.  i relished the moments of doing something a bit more professional, and i especially relished that i was able to do these things from my office with the window open and a glass of iced tea beside me.  technically i still have the ability to contract with the company, although they haven't used me for a project for about a year...but i'm not worried.  it'll come when it's supposed to :)

as mrs n gained more and more strength and the time i spent with her became more scarce, a friend called me one day to tell me that her office was looking for someone to do data entry "for a few weeks".  those few weeks stretched into a few months, and i felt like i was doing something with purpose.  entering data was quite fun for me...and the fact that i was working in an office that relocated refugees made it so meaningful to me.  i was so sad to see that chapter close, but i had always known it would be temporary...so even though it had been exactly where i was supposed to be it was time to move on.

so, though i had begun teaching a couple of private voice and piano lessons at a studio on music row (also because a friend had recommended me), i found myself with just a couple of lessons a week and a few babysitting jobs here and there.

and this began the first real "break" in the action.  this was the first time in over a year that i hadn't had some sort of regular (if short-lived) income.  of course, shortly after we buried anthony's grandfather...and VERY shortly after that we found out that i had lost my house.  after crying, packing and moving, i realized that an offer i had from some friends to nanny for them beginning in august was now more feasible.  i had told them i'd think about it, because the amount they were able to pay was barely enough to cover my mortgage...and definitely not enough for all my other bills.  well...now i didn't have a mortgage to pay, and the other bills had significantly decreased as well.  after prayer and revelation i realized that i knew (starting in august) exactly where i needed to be.

and then anthony's aunt told me of a friend of hers who needed someone to watch her two children for a couple of months in the summer.  i met them, loved them, and truly enjoyed every moment spent with the family.  i have an incredible thank-you card from them that hangs on my prayer and praise board that serves to remind me that this summer i was exactly where i needed to be.

not a single one of these jobs did i interview for

not a single one of them ended on anything less than positive terms

they were all meant to be temporary

and they've kept me moving

forward and upward

and in the meantime...i had room for a friend and her baby to crash for awhile

i was able to host friends coming through town

and although i don't have as much freedom to offer beds for long periods of time

i can offer a couch...and my heart is still open

and in the meantime...i had time

to help friends pack up and move

to hold babies

to love on God's people

i've had the gift of time

and i hope i've used it well

in the meantime i've rediscovered

that God has been speaking to me all along

and i've found a community of faith where i've been able to explore that

and receive it as the gift it is

i've found spiritual family

not separate from the one i already had

but in addition to

and it's been amazing 

to grow and change and truly realize His giftings and operatings in my life

i have no doubt

that all this time

i've been exactly where i was supposed to be.

the coming months will be interesting

as we are talking more about our future

about how things are changing

and about where God is calling us

and though it frustrates me at moments to not know the answers to those questions

i have to laugh at myself

when i remember all that has transpired since i packed up that classroom

what a journey i've been on

what i've been asked to give up, lay down, and pick up instead

i have no doubt that my journey will lead me back into a classroom someday

but i wouldn't trade these last few years

for anything

you wanna talk life experience?

God has given it to me in crazy abundance.

and i'm certain

that i will remain exactly where i'm supposed to be

even if the "where" keeps changing

because the Who

will never change.

 

it's a great day to get cooking

 

i finally got to cook today: yay!

i know i've mentioned before how i hesitate to cook these days, because i always feel like i'm in the way.

well, over the last few days i've really been resenting that

and i decided to heck with it

i live here

i'll cook if i want to, dammit!

this became even more an anthem this afternoon as i discovered that my olive oil was completely empty

(not because i'd used it...)

and i called anthony to vent 

that i hate feeling like i'm in the way, that i'm annoyed that my stuff (even though labeled) is used without asking, that i sometimes just hate living like this

bless him, he listened

and really, all i needed to do was be mad for a few minutes

i came back home and headed straight for the kitchen

take two, with olive oil this time

and i made my tomato soup, my chicken salad, and reorganized and labeled my part of the pantry

i set a pandora station for worship music

and i even chatted with the nurse who is here today

and i was blissful

:0)

i came back downstairs and went outside to my herb containers

i'd discovered earlier today that some of them had revived

so i bought a few replacements while i was out getting the olive oil

and i dug in the dirt a little and planted the new additions

and i was blissful

and now i'm sitting on my couch

watching tv

blogging

and sipping iced coffee with bailey's creamer in it

and i am blissful

no, things are NOT perfect here

but truthfully, things are never perfect.

and one thing is for sure:

i'm not going to be kept out of the kitchen anymore

as long as i'm not trying to cook while one of the nurses is also cooking for anthony's grandpa

i'm not in the way

and if the nurses don't want to share space

that's not my concern -- they can move to another room for awhile

because i live here too

and dangit, i want to cook! 

 

abundance

tonight as anthony and i left his apartment to go have dinner with some of his family

we saw a squirrel dashing across the yard and into a tree

with a HUGE nut of some sort in it's mouth

after the obligatory "nut" jokes 

(yes, we're 12 years old!)

we remarked that it was actually pretty impressive

that he was able to move so agilely 

with such a huge load

after all, the nut was literally bigger than his mouth

(this wasn't our squirrel.  image courtesy of google images)

it made me wonder

if the squirrel really thought of it as a burden

a load

something that HAD to be done

or if he considered it abundance

something bigger than he could have dreamed of

a solitary piece of food that he can feast on for awhile

hmmm.

i have a lot of things in common with that squirrel.

sometimes i see things as a burden, when they are actually God's abundance

sometimes a load i'm bearing is actually leading me to a blessing that's bigger than i could imagine

something that seems like a chore is preparing me to feast on His richest food

i think that over the last few months

that's become very real to me

losing my house was a release

releasing me into blessings that are immeasureable

i no longer have the worry of how i'm going to pay the mortgage

because there is no mortgage

and some weeks i literally sit back and LAUGH

as God POURS money my way

and i'm ENJOYING my work

i love what i do

i feel like it matters

and i'm so.incredibly.thankful

for the things in my life that most would consider trials

because for me...they've become some of my richest blessings

abundance

i'm SO blessed

Thursday's Ten: the "new" car edition

ugh.

car shopping is exhausting.

it's especially exhausting when your car was 7 years old, and the payment from the insurance is reflective of that.

it's especially exhausting when you have little money of your own to couple with it...and when you don't at ALL want to go down the road of financing because the only dealers who will finance a recent foreclosure are going to be basically loan sharks (plus, you don't want a car payment. at all.)

sigh.

but then i remember that God has amazingly provided for me countless times this year

and so

why not now?

i remember texting some good friends that the car may be totaled, that i was really sad about that (Ali was my BABY), but that maybe this was God's way of saying "ok...now here's a new car".

and so i said "bring it!"

(still hopeful that i could have MY car back. but no, not this time)

i mean, really. in the last 4 months i've been stripped from the house that i loved and the car that i loved...and both were "taken" away. in the house's case, it was due to a humongous error on the mortgage company's part. in the car's, it was due to me parking on the street and the wrong person coming down the road to play tackle football with my car. yes, i played a part in both...yes, i can shoulder some of the blame in both cases. but in no way was either completely my fault.

which is kind of nice. no shame there.

SO.

since God is clearly up to something here

i'm making a list of what i'd like in a car. a couple of them are non-negotiables (the sunroof, for example. i seriously get a slight case of SAD when the time changes in the fall, and i NEED to have access to the sun). the others are just "what the heck. why not ask for this too?"

1. sunroof (or a convertible...haha)

2. a color that i love. this is different for me based on what kind of car it is, since different cars look good in different colors to me.

3. i'm not picky about leather or cloth interior...but IF leather, then i must have heated seats

4. good sound system (i'm not one of those lovely bass boomin' people at stoplights, but i do like to get in a groove)

5. a sporty look. please, please, no boring sedans. sedans with a sporty edge, sure.

6. good gas mileage. i'm not opposed to an SUV, i just want it to get decent mileage

7. lowish mileage. i drive a lot. i have family scattered all over. i'd like to get a few years out of the car.

8. trunk access in a car (rear fold-down seats, preferably 60/40 split). suv, well that doesn't so much matter.

9. FUN to drive

10. a good value. i don't want to rip anyone off, but i certainly don't want to be ripped off either. i would prefer not to use my entire insurance settlement...i'd like a few hundred dollars leftover to stock away in savings for awhile.

what would you add if you were me? (or you were looking)

Thursday's Ten: smiles

let's review, shall we?

in the last 5 months, anthony has lost 2 grandparents

i've lost my house

i wound up in the emergency room

and my car was hit and run while it was parked

in front of anthony's parents house after his grandma's graveside service.

it's likely totaled

(although i haven't had the official word yet, so there is still hope)

and yet

it's been a good year.

meghan and i were talking about this very thing on our way to florida

that we had sucky 2008s

and that year, she said

that we were going to heal in 2009

and our 2010s were going to be amazing

we kind of giggled as we talked about what all has happened this year

and then we fell silent

and i said

"you know what?

this year has been amazing.

i wouldn't trade any of these experiences

or the provision that God has just poured out on me

for anything

i think i'm going to get to the end of this year

look back,

laugh

and say

WOW, what a ride!"

so while i do have a moment or two of down time

and shed tears

and hurt for those who are hurting

and ache for the loss of my house...my car (maybe)

i can't shake the feeling

the knowledge

that God is raining down blessings on me

and so,

sometimes i have to find a reason to smile

in things that i would normally not notice

but i'll tell you something

i'm aware

now more than ever

that the little things sometimes aren't so little after all

so this week, my reasons to smile have included

1. the cashier at kroger literally opening a self-checkout like just for me

(and he closed it as soon as i'd paid)

2. a scarf that my friend laura bought for me last week just because

3. couponing trips that were just ridiculous

4. buying a set of (cheap) new sheets and putting them on the bed fresh out of the dryer

5. actually writing down the amount of money that i needed God to provide me with this week...and watching Him MULTIPLY it

(that one actually made me laugh. who was i to think i could limit Him anyway?!)

6. laura's response to #5 when i told her was "holla back Sugar Daddy!"

(that made me laugh harder)

7. worship on monday night

8. seeing that i have 3 tomatoes getting ready to pick (i haven't yet had one this summer and it's way.past.time)

9. watching the weight go down every time i step on the wiifit...that revelation was for REAL, y'all!

10. watching 30 rock last night with anthony and our good friends kyle and natasha (kyle is anthony's new roomie)

smiles. laughter. joy

a month or so ago, one of the leaders of our small group, chad, had a vision for me

he said he saw me playing the piano

with one hand

only hearing that one part

but playing it perfectly

and he said

that during this season of my life

i can only hear my part

that i know God is playing His

but i can't see it

or hear it

i'm just trusting that it's blending perfectly with mine

and he said

that i'm doing exactly what i'm supposed to do

playing my part

not in a fake way

but in all sincerity

i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be

and the song that results from this

is beautiful

and he said further

that the level of JOY in this season of my life

is absolutely astounding

yep.

pretty much describes life as i've come to know it

and i love it.

what's made you smile this week?

Monday's Memory: the one with the rose

this one is kind of bittersweet

this is a picture taken last year

in my backyard

my beautiful rosebush

flourishing

giving promise...hope

there was something about that first rose every year...

it was there when i moved in

and it was such a surprise when i saw that first perfect yellow rose

i loved watching for new buds

new blooms

we dug it up when i moved

put it in a pot...

i was so excited

to be able to take my beloved rosebush with me

but i'm afraid when nashville flooded

my rose may have become a casualty

i hope...

i pray (for real)

that it only LOOKS dead

because

damn

i love that rosebush...

provision

it just doesn't make sense to people

and i KNOW that

and sometimes it's frustrating to attempt to explain to people

even some of my Christian friends who aren't called to the same life of exuberant faith that i have been

(and there is nothing wrong with that--they are called to other things that i'm not)

but money?

i'm not worried about it

which makes NO sense

to anyone who knows my circumstances

God is teaching me that HE and He alone provides my every need

provision

under the best and worst of circumstances

yes, i "lost" my house

but i truly felt that it was a release

a hurtful one at moments

but a release, nonetheless.

i have bills to pay

that i have no earthly idea how they will be paid

but that's just it--earthly ideas don't get me very far

He knows how it will happen

and while sometimes i wonder it people think i'm just sitting around on my butt

waiting

(and in a sense, that's what i'm doing--the waiting part at least

i work my butt off doing all kinds of odd jobs)

*i* know

that every time something is due that is crucial

somehow,

some way

the funds come through

and yeah,

dave ramsey would not be thrilled with my approach

(or maybe he would--

i have a feeling that he understands what it is to live in faith that God will provide)

and it doesn't follow his "program"

which i very much respect

and have many friends who have used it to eliminate debt from their lives

that program

that mindset

is not what i'm called to right now

i don't know why

i don't know for how long

but i know

trusting in Jehovah Jireh--the God who provides

is what i am called to

always

and especially right now

complete and utter faith that HE will work things out?

it's an amazing place to be

i don't know why He chose me to live this way

but i am so, so grateful

because the pure, unadulterated JOY that is a part of this?

is absolutely intoxicating.

Thursday's Ten: promises

i feel like it's important (for me at least) to do this every once in awhile. so here are the promises i'm making myself as of right now, in this moment.

1. i will not worry about money and where this or that payment will come from. thus far, God has provided my every NEED...why would i think that would change?

2. i will enjoy each moment instead of focusing on what's "wrong" with my life/finances. in the grand scheme of things, i'm so incredibly blessed...and it's only when people outside of myself start wondering aloud how i'm handling things or what's going on that i start questioning. i need to remember something my dad always quoted: "there's nothing that will happen today that God and i can't handle together"

(erm, i may have gotten a huge hospital bill last night since my insurance is crappy and been doing a bit of concerned thinking...)

3. i will enjoy time spent with children...even if they are whiney and argumentative with each other. it's tennessee, it's summer, and it's hot...we're all whiney.

4. i will continue getting active, continue my routine with WiiFit, and finally get up the nerve to go for a walk/run even though i'm afraid of an asthma flare-up. guess what? that's what my inhalor is FOR!

5. i will learn to can foods, specifically tomatoes. i read not too long ago that eating canned tomatoes from the store is awful for you and that if you must buy them you should look for glass jars instead. i figure if i preserve the ones i grow myself in glass jars i'll be one step better :)

(and yay for money saved...i use a LOT of canned tomatoes when i cook italian foods!)

6. i will take a hard look at composting. now that i live in a neighborhood where curbside recycling is available, it's much easier to be green in that regard...next steps would be compost and rain barrel...perhaps not this summer, but soon.

7. i will take a few moments each day to be intentionally grateful

8. i will continue 'settling in' at a reasonable pace

9. i will take emi to the vet for a check up

10. i will spend more time with those i love