dear.9

dear kraft foods:

this may be america, but that is most definitely not my cheese.  or "cheese food" as the packaging says.

signed,

one who isn't buying that commercial

dear finn:


you are so sweet, cute and adorable.  however, taking off both your pants and diaper first thing in the morning...while still in your bed?  not so charming.  funny.  but not so charming.


signed,
thankful it was just wet...

dear cable company:

i have been your advocate for the last 5 years.  when others complained about crappy customer service and bad experiences, i stated i'd never had a problem with you.

well, not so much anymore.  since april, i've faithfully paid my bill every month, and you've faithfully cut off my service every month.  come to find out (shocker) you screwed up in the first place.  and from july through the end of september i've been calling every week to try to figure out when you're going to fix the problem.  and let's not mention the number of times you've cut my service off in that process.

pretty much, i hate you right now.  save that one nice person i talked to last week who gave me her personal extension and days/hours she works.  believe me, i'll deal with her from now on.  except when you cut my service off in the middle of the night like you did tonight...

please restore my faith in the system and just STOP CUTTING ME OFF when i'm freaking paying you.  the end.

signed,

if i wasn't sharing space with someone else i'd have SO cut you off by now

dear cancer


would you just back off my friends please?


signed
tired of you

dear fall weather,

could we make a deal and YOU just stick around til spring?

signed,

loving these cool breezes

dear social networking,


i can barely keep up with facebook and twitter...and gave up myspace loooong ago.  now there's something called foursquare, not to mention skype...what?!  

but seriously, i'd like the job that controls the twitter and facebook accounts for a company.  i mean, seriously -- how do you get hooked up with that one?!

signed,
i was late to the twitter party, so expect me at skype in 2014

dear.8

dear blog readers,

remember that awesome blog project i told you about a couple of weeks ago?

well, we're doing a book club of sorts, and there's a giveaway involved for one of our readers!
so comment on this post to enter!

signed,
excited about this one!

dear weather,

could you just stay like this until spring? i'm kind of loving it.

signed,
really not looking forward to winter

dear makers of children's shows,

thank you for making some of them bearable. could we chat about the others?

signed,
a desperate nanny

dear eyes,

i'm not really sure what your deal is, but swelling up every few days and making it impossible for me to put my contacts in is not really all that wonderful. i'm just sayin'. and i appreciate you taking turns and all, but come ON.

signed,
squinting in the sun

dear...

dear friends,

i know you're just trying to be helpful, but could you check on snopes before sending alarmist emails that have already been proven false time and time again? my cell phone number won't be public, our President is not a terrorist or the antichrist (you should read this one just for the last couple of lines which made me laugh), and i am tired of being warned that there's going to be a murderer in my backseat every time i stop to get gas.

signed,
SO not worth your time or mine

dear fly

i'm not really sure why you insist on only appearing when i lay down on the couch to take a nap, and why you think it fun to land on my cheek/nose/ear. i only got 4 hours of sleep last night because i couldn't.fall.asleep. so back off.

signed,
grouchy

dear emi,

i promise i'll let you play outside in the next couple of days. i feel bad that you keep looking longingly out the windows and door.

signed,
sorry about that

dear body,

could you get used to this new sleep pattern soon please? i'd really appreciate it. but thanks for losing a couple more pounds

signed,
if i have to choose i'll keep the weight loss

sometimes you just have to let it out...

Dear Nashville

i love you




(and you can see one reason why here.
i've sat in stunned silence while looking at flood damage
honestly, this is the first thing that has made me tear up. the pictures have left me shocked and heartbroken; seeing damage firsthand has left me speechless. but THIS...this speaks of what we all feel as members of this city--this community.
and this made me cry.)

Dear...

i have to take just a moment and get these out

Dear Crazy Neighbor Lady

(you who complain about dog poo being near your house when you happen to live right next to the common area where they are supposed to poo...and you who gave me an inquisition about having a car parked in MY other spot, yet have your friends park in MY space instead of your own all the time...)

I can handle a lot, but walking out of my front door and nearly stepping on the rake that was on my sidewalk, right next to my door, rake side UP? Not cool. Thank goodness I saw it, otherwise I would have surely punctured a foot. Please clean up after your adventures in gardening. I took the liberty of moving said rake to your yard (the entire foot). I'm fairly certain that's why you glared at me when I returned from the store. I'm equally certain that I don't care. My feet are intact, no thanks to you.

Sincerely,
your sane(r) neighbor


Dear American Idol,

I really do only watch for poops and giggles lately (and more often it's light on the giggles)
but comparing Adam Lambert to Elvis Presley is a stretch even for you. I honestly thought Miley Cyrus as a mentor was the worst you were going to do this season. How wrong I was!
It's over, AI
I have no more love for you.

Sincerely,
the girl who only watches for the judges comments anyway



Dear Facebook Friend who shall remain nameless

Please do a little fact checking before bringing up that tired argument and invalid link to "Obama admitting he's a Muslim". Really? First of all...religion *really* shouldn't matter in politics. Second...he professes to be a Christian just as George W. Bush does. If we believe one, we should believe the other.
(now I actually do know quite a few things about Islam. having a father who is a Muslim makes him culturally a Muslim, and one in the eyes of that particular faith. but guess what? he gets to make a choice, and unless there's been a huge revelation that I'm unaware of, he and his family are good 'ol Protestants under that Christian umbrella.)

Sincerely,
your
"I get the feeling that admitting that our current President is of the same faith as our former President...and you...scares you because you happen to not agree with him on several points and *gasp, shock* we certainly can't disagree as Christians! I mean, all Protestant denominations agree on EVERYTHING, and there is certainly no divide between Catholics and Protestants ANYWHERE in the world"
friend

Ahhhh, I feel better. Anyone you need to write an open letter to?


(ps: I'll be sure to fill you in on the more serious stuff going on in my life as soon as I know more. I'm playing the waiting game right now which is a whole other 'open letter' of it's own :)

Dear Facebook Friend(s) (part 2)

I know you are excited about the birth of your first child, and understandably so.

And it has been fun to watch your belly grow, see the ultrasound pictures, and read on your status updates how you are going to be induced today! I have, in fact, been looking forward to seeing cute red wrinkly pictures of your little man.

But really? Do you HAVE to update at each CENTIMETER today? I presume the people who want to know that (ie your husband and mother) are already at the hospital with you. I'd really prefer not to have quite that much information. Hence the text I sent to dear boyfriend earlier:

"Oh geez. I don't need to know how many freaking centimeters you are dialated, keep that shit outta your facebook stat!"

Last count you were 8. Could you please not get on facebook again until your sweet baby boy is here? I promise I'll comment on the pics even if I think he's not so cute.

Thanks much,

your kinda-friend from college who'd rather not know all the gory details
Lora

Dear Tennessee,

When you go and decide to make the news, could it not be for something like this?

MEMPHIS, TN – Memphis Mayor Myron Lowery fist-bumped the Dalai Lama as he arrived in Memphis for the National Civil Rights Museum’s “Freedom Awards.”

The Dalai Lama was greeted at Tom Lee Park by Memphis Mayor Myron Lowery and Shelby County Mayor A C Wharton Tuesday afternoon, September 22, 2009. Mayor Lowery shook hands with the Dalai Lama and then grabbed his hand and showed him how to fist-bump. Lowery then told the Dalai Lama that he, “always wanted to say ‘hello Dalai.’” Both laughed at the gesture and joke.

Later, the Dalai Lama explained – laughingly – that smacking fists is considered a sign of violence. The Dalai Lama seemed to be amused by the greeting.

The Dalai Lama is in Memphis to receive the National Civil Rights Museum’s International Freedom Award at the Peabody Hotel, Wednesday, September 23. The award is given to an individual who has had a global impact or has impacted the state of human and civil rights abroad.

Which begs the question: is the mayor of Memphis 12 years old?

Of course, politics out of Memphis usually leave the rest of the state shaking it's head.

I suppose it's better than being reminded that for the umpteenth year in a row Tennessee has made the nation's fattest list by having one of the highest populations of obese citizens...

But really? Could we try a little positive press next time? Or a slightly more normal view of our state?

Thanks much,
Lora

Bad Haiku Friday

Oh, Nashville drivers:
Rain is not that big a deal.
Please stop slamming brakes!

(join Laura and make your own bad haiku! I'm loving this meme :0)

Dear Starbucks,

I realize that today may have been punishment for leaving my reusable cup at home, but just in case it wasn't, let me just ask that next time I order an iced coffee I am given a lid and straw that are meant to be together. The ones you handed me today seemed to be mortal enemies. I should not have to sit in your parking lot for 3 minutes attempting to jam the straw in while approximately 1/8 of the coffee leaks out of the lid. After that fails and I sit at the stoplight trying yet again, I am hardly pleased when a hole somehow gets poked in the straw. Finally, after successfully getting the straw in the dang hole I don't necessarily love the fact that the straw doesn't exactly work because
a. it's all bent from the aforementioned attempts to place it where it belongs
b. the bottom of said straw is contorted into a diameter a fraction of the size it should be
and
c. there are teeny tiny holes in the straw from the lid protesting it's entry into the cup.

I've learned my lesson.

I shall always bring my reusable iced coffee cup.

Your loyal customer anyway,
Lora

Dear Facebook Friends,

I really don't need to see the results to your quiz entitled "what position are you?" complete with the results that no, indeed, you are not missionary but something more exotic. I really REALLY don't need to see this if I've been among your youth group leaders. It may make me feel really really weird.

Really? Do you *have* to use the f-bomb in every status update? Could you change it up a bit?

I currently have 131 "requests" in my notifications. If I'm not adding the applications you sent me last week I probably won't add the deluge you send me today.

How about checking out my political and spiritual "preferences" in my info tab BEFORE inviting me to that group, thank-you-very-much.

I don't do drama in real life. Please don't try to pull me in via a virtual community either.

That's all for me...what do you want to tell your facebook friends?