Monday's Memory: the one with the pink bracelet

i look at this picture and see details

the pink bracelet on my wrist was worn in support of one of the ladies on our retreat that weekend who was fighting breast cancer

(she passed them out.  and she actually took this picture)

3 years later, she’s cancer free

though her life, i'm certain, is forever changed

i am standing next to one of my best friends

lajuana

and we’re in front of gorgeous tennessee fall splendor

she’s in another state now

and while we are still close

things are forever changed

and i remember our conversation that day

when i told her that on one hand, i never wanted to date

never wanted to get married

and on the other i was terrified that i wasn’t “good enough” for anyone

and that i would always be alone

(the first being a direct result and coping mechanism of the second, of course)

and 3 years later

i have the most amazing and Godly man in my life

and of course i want to get married, and be with him for the rest of my life

things are forever changed

i could write about a lot of things that have “forever changed” in the last 3 years

or the last 3 months

or the last 3 weeks

or the last 3 days

you get the picture

that’s something we’re all aware of, isn’t it? 

change.

the only thing that’s constant in our world.
(it's cliche...but it's cliche for a reason)

i've learned to embrace it

to enjoy it

to learn and grow through it

one of my favorite pieces of décor

(which i need to find: note to self)

is a little pillow i hung from the stairs at my condo

and now will hang on the stairs of my “right now” residence

it says “delight in the unexpected”

and i delight to tell you

that i do.

no, it’s not all easy

i mean, come on.

 

but learning that i'm not in control -- He is

it’s been the most freeing knowledge of my life.

dear.9

dear kraft foods:

this may be america, but that is most definitely not my cheese.  or "cheese food" as the packaging says.

signed,

one who isn't buying that commercial

dear finn:


you are so sweet, cute and adorable.  however, taking off both your pants and diaper first thing in the morning...while still in your bed?  not so charming.  funny.  but not so charming.


signed,
thankful it was just wet...

dear cable company:

i have been your advocate for the last 5 years.  when others complained about crappy customer service and bad experiences, i stated i'd never had a problem with you.

well, not so much anymore.  since april, i've faithfully paid my bill every month, and you've faithfully cut off my service every month.  come to find out (shocker) you screwed up in the first place.  and from july through the end of september i've been calling every week to try to figure out when you're going to fix the problem.  and let's not mention the number of times you've cut my service off in that process.

pretty much, i hate you right now.  save that one nice person i talked to last week who gave me her personal extension and days/hours she works.  believe me, i'll deal with her from now on.  except when you cut my service off in the middle of the night like you did tonight...

please restore my faith in the system and just STOP CUTTING ME OFF when i'm freaking paying you.  the end.

signed,

if i wasn't sharing space with someone else i'd have SO cut you off by now

dear cancer


would you just back off my friends please?


signed
tired of you

dear fall weather,

could we make a deal and YOU just stick around til spring?

signed,

loving these cool breezes

dear social networking,


i can barely keep up with facebook and twitter...and gave up myspace loooong ago.  now there's something called foursquare, not to mention skype...what?!  

but seriously, i'd like the job that controls the twitter and facebook accounts for a company.  i mean, seriously -- how do you get hooked up with that one?!

signed,
i was late to the twitter party, so expect me at skype in 2014

Thursday's Ten: the pink things i want to buy

it's hard to believe that september is nearly over and october is right around the corner

but it is

and october, as most of us know, is breast cancer awareness month
which has always been near and dear to my heart
but even more so this year, since my friend has a diagnosis and goes in for surgery next week

so today's thursday's ten are ten things that are fun, fashionable...and proceeds go to breast cancer research.

enjoy!

1. first up, from the simply vera collection by vera wang (at kohls -- ALL of the items in the collection are priced at $5 or $10!)

2. also from the simply vera collection

3. and another (i could have seriously filled up this list with JUST the items i want from this collection!)
4. an aromatherapy candle from pink ribbon marketplace

5. also from pink ribbon marketplace, a coffee cup with a courage scripture inside, and scripture cards included

6. from target.com, a fun little cosmetic set

7. brita pitcher (also from target although i'm sure they're sold elsewhere)

8. water bottle (target)

9. i'm salivating over this laptop messenger bag from ebags
but this one is more affordable
10. and if you're into the REALLY designer stuff, here's a coat from tommy hilfiger. no word on price yet, but it should be available on the website soon.

A look back:

*for those of you wondering, the back is still out. The sinuses seem to be somewhat fading, but I've definitely made the back worse after there had been a significant improvement over the last couple of days. I think I've taken about 10 steps backwards, and just hope that future progress is positive!*

Ellen quote that sums me up right now:

"This morning I hopped right out of bed...and by hopped I mean it took 30 minutes, 6 Advil, a pulley system and a handful of sedatives to get me out of bed in a seated position. And I know that you're probably thinking 'Ellen, you shouldn't have to be taking Advil and sedatives together', but the Advil was for me and the sedatives were for Portia; the screaming is killing her...she's tired of hearing me scream."

Sad...but true. Substitute "Lora" for Ellen and "Anthony" for Portia, and you have the partial scenario of me trying to get up off the floor tonight. It was NOT pretty.

anyway, on to the real blogging!

It's been quite a year! Here's a brief look back...

January: New Year's at Anthony's parents house; began "driving Miss Nancy"; Inauguration of President Obama
February: good friend from college visited; sweet Valentine's day; last praise team retreat ever with Randy (although we had no idea)
March: one of my best friends from high school visited this month; 28th birthday
April: Dave Matthews Band concert...uh...I'm sure there were other fun things too. We did join the zoo this month...and I did have one CRAZY day!
May: Anthony and I traveled together for the first time--to see his aunt in Atlanta; started doing some consulting work
June: 10 year high school reunion and reconnection with Dotty; good friend Laura had her baby Israel (and began the many births of summer '09)
July: Camp with youth group + Anthony's family vacation = over 2 weeks apart! Ugh.
August: Laura and sweet baby Izzy spent a few days at my house; went to Texas to a friend's wedding with Anthony and our friend Ben; celebrated a year of dating the most wonderful man :); began working at Catholic Charities temporarily; found out that Randy and LaJuana were moving
September: visited the Jack Daniels distillery; found out about Sam's cancer
October: 2nd annual ghost tour; finally cut my hair to donate (after over a year of growth); went to my very first NFL football game (between my two favorite teams no less!)
November: Thanksgiving with Anthony's family
December: Christmas with Anthony's family; 2 trips to Indiana (one for the Colts game, one for Christmas); got to sing in a friend's Christmas show downtown; also sold jewelry offline for the first time!

If all goes well...

My friend Sam (more about him and his wife) gets to go home tomorrow!

His counts are going up, and although he will continue to be closely monitored, his immune system has developed enough to return to his own home!

Praises...

You know, all day long I've wanted to post a blog and couldn't figure out *what* to write about. I guess I was just waiting for the good news!

Here's a song he posted on his blog the other day. Perhaps you've heard it before; I grew up singing it in church as did he:

Whatever It Takes

There’s a voice calling me, from an old rugged tree
And it whispers draw closer to me
Leave this world far behind,
There are new heights to climb
And a new place in Me you will find

For whatever it takes, to draw closer to You Lord
That’s what I’d be wiling to do
And whatever it takes, to be more like you
That’s what I’d be willing to do

Take my houses and lands,
Change my dreams and my plans.
For I’m placing my whole life in Your hands.
And if you call me someday,
To a land far away,
Lord, I’ll go and Your will obey.

For whatever it takes to draw closer to You, Lord,
That’s what I’ll be willing to do.
And whatever it takes for my will to break,
That’s what I’ll be willing to do.

Take the dearest things to me, if that’s how it must be
To draw me closer to Thee
Let the disappointments come, lonely days without the sun
If through sorrow more like You I’ll become.

For whatever it takes to draw closer to You, Lord,
That’s what I’ll be willing to do.
And whatever it takes for my will to break,
That’s what I’ll be willing to do.

I’ll trade sunshine for rain, comfort for pain, that’s what I’d be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like you, That’s what I’d be willing to do.

Um, so if you want to hear a rough version of it, turn off the music player and click the video. It's me, rough chords because I don't have sheet music and had to play it by ear, a couple of big boo-boos, and distracting moving as I sing (can you promise not to WATCH the video and just listen? lol) and I can't promise that at 12:30 am I was completely "on" for the whole song. But, it's there. Gentle, dear readers :0) (there are more of you now than the last time I posted myself singing!)

Anyway, I'm so grateful for this miracle. No, his journey with cancer isn't over...not even close...but this chapter is coming to a close.

Thursday's Ten: True Confessions, Bloggy Style

Confession is good for the soul
And sometimes good for a laugh or two!

Today's Ten is all about confessing. I'm not talking deep dark secrets here (unless you just really wanna)...more of the silly kind of confessing.

Ten Confessions of Mine

1. Sometimes, just for a minute or two, I really think my stuffed animals can hear me and feel things. Guess that child never truly vanished.

2. I love love LOVE McDonalds. I know it's weird, especially for my former ED self, but dangit quarter pounders and sweet tea are the bomb. I DO limit myself to visits. Well, with the burgers at least. Hard to beat $1 for a large sweet tea.

3. I have an unhealthy adoration of ranch dressing. I have been known to lick it off of things and out of containers. It's like this with all condiments--I could eat them on their own. It's just that ranch is my FAVORITE.
(remember the Will and Grace episode with this dialogue?

GRACE: Yes, that's right. You've left me absolutely no time, but I once threw together a dinner party for eight with nothing in the fridge but mustard and a roll of film.

WILL: Yeah, and all we have to remember that evening is double prints of eight angry people getting sick eating mustard soup.

yeah. I could totally do a meal with nothing but my fridge door.)

4. my sleep habits are crap. I've tried to change this. It doesn't work. Something in my body will not allow me to fall asleep before 11:30 pm, and my body's favorite bedtime is 2 am. Which means I need to sleep until 9 or 10 am to get a full night's sleep in. Unfortunately, the US does not operate on that type of clock so I end up being extremely tired all day. I DO try to get to bed in the midnight to 1 am range, but every night is another battle.
(and yes, I've tried pills. But I hate pumping chemicals into my body)

5. I separate candy out by color before eating it.

6. I adore napping. This may or may not be directly related to #4.

7. I looked like this in high school. My how I've changed.

8. When I was growing up I just KNEW someone had broken into our house and if I moved they would kill our family. I would literally wake up to go to the bathroom and lay there frozen until I couldn't wait any longer then SPRINT to the bathroom and back. While I no longer have that hang-up (thank goodness) the memories are vivid.
Yet I can't get enough of crime dramas or movies. Guess it's the police officer blood in my family (dad and brother both have spent time in law enforcement).

9. In fact, if I didn't want to be a mommy more, I would have already followed the steps to entering the FBI. Dream job.

10. Since I can remember, I've always felt that I'm going to have cancer someday. Perhaps it's because my county growing up had a very high rate of cancer.. I've learned that my "feelings" on stuff like this are usually accurate.
(let me be clear...I don't currently have cancer, nor do I think it's going to be the cause of my death. but it DOES explain the fascination I have with it. It doesn't scare me...yet, at least.)

What about you? Grab the TT button, sign McLinky and then... 'fess up!

Titus 2 Tuesday: Keli

People who can inspire amid pain are true treasures.

My friend Keli is like that. I've already told you her husband's story. But Keli deserves some time herself.

Keli and her husband Sam were one of the first models of a Christian marriage I saw that I wanted to have for myself. I spent many nights and weekends at their house while I was in college and was always impressed that they took time to romance each other and show that they were still deeply in love. Hard to do, perhaps, with 3 little girls under the age of 6 running around, but they managed. What an inspiration! I will never forget sitting in the congregation one Sunday morning when Keli sang a solo and whispering into a friends ear "I want my future husband to look at me the way Sam looks at Keli when she sings." I knew that if I met a man with that *look* in his eye when he looked at me, that all would be ok with us. I don't really think I'm explaining that well but trust me...you would know if you saw it.

Keli has been pretty vocal on the blog she and Sam are writing. He is the minister in the family, but don't doubt for a moment that because Keli isn't on staff at a church she isn't ministering to those around her just as much!

I'm going to let her words speak to you, from their blog the day after they found out he was not yet in remission.

Into every life some rain falls! We all get news we don’t want to hear. This was ours. It just adds some time on to our stay here…I still firmly believe that the end result will still be the same…Remission. Just not in the exact time that I had planned. Don’t you love when you lay out your time plans for the Almighty! He must laugh at us. I am continuing to learn to sit back and allow Him to carry us through this whole process…trust me …as a nurse…I would like to steer this deal my self!

I know you can look back and think of pitty parties that you have thrown for yourself. They are not fun! They usually include a pouty lip, puffy eyes, furrowed brow and a list of injustices. I have had my share. I had a mini one this morning….and then I quit…because the parties I prefer include cake, friends, and all around good feelings.

I am aware that we are confined to the hospital until the chemo is done and Sams counts are up…whatever that takes. I am aware that we didn’t get the diagnosis that we wanted. BUT DO NOT FORGET That the same God we were praying to this morning before we got this diagnosis…is the same one that is still able to sustain and heal our bodies AND our spirits. I am so thankful!

I'm so thankful to know this amazing woman, and to call her my friend.

Their beautiful family. Sam loves to say they're the "blonde leading the blonde."

Haircuts...

I've been growing my hair out for the past year or so. Today I had it cut to donate for cancer patients. I LOVE the new cut, and was so happy to see my stylist Stacey again! Here's the most recent picture I have of it down...unfortunately not a great picture at ALL. I kind of forgot to take a "before" pic...
Oh, but here's a funny pic. Anthony and I watched Izzy one afternoon and I was in his kitchen baking cookies. I realized at one point that I was wearing a dress (left over from church that morning), was barefoot, and was holding baby in one hand and scooping cookies with the other. Naturally I made A take a pic. This was about a month ago: On to today!

After the cut: enjoying a celebratory nonfat pumpkin spice latte (ok, so the whipped cream makes it not so nonfat) side view

Sunday's Song: For Sam

I always feel so helpless when someone is sick.
When that someone has cancer it's compounded.
It's why I'm growing my hair out. When your friend with cancer asks you if you'll donate hair to cancer patients with her you can't say no!

There was a day last week when my status on facebook was something on the order of

"is astounded by the number of people who constantly expend the energy to turn positives into negatives...perhaps we should all try the opposite for awhile"

A texted me a bit later wondering what had inspired it. I told him many things, including Ms N (of driving Miss N) and her tendency to make things sound worse than they are, and the tendency of many of my friends to focus consistently on the negative.

But mostly, I told him, it was because of my friend Sam.

Sam is an example of doing the opposite--turning his negatives into positives.

Sam was the director of music at the university I attended. Very shortly after arriving there, I became his kids (3 adorable girls) consistent babysitter. And Sam and Keli became like family. I spent many weekends at their house, did laundry for free in their machines, house and pet sat when they were gone...

We went to church together--Sam was the worship minister. Shortly after I bought my condo and had began attending and eventually joined the church I now attend, Sam and Keli accepted a position at another church in town. We kind of lost contact over the years, although I have called or emailed a few times.

About two months ago I began seeing confusing (to me) status updates from Keli on facebook...and then from their neice Lizzie who I went to school with...and finally I was directed to Sam's blog.

He's battling acute leukemia, the same kind that killed his father when Sam was still a teenager.

The blog subscription that I added that night left me in tears.

But over the last few weeks, I have been uplifted and encouraged daily by Sam and Keli as they update...and even the girls as they leave comments on the entries.

My status update that day was triggered by a post of Sam's explaining that he is not in remission as we all had hoped. And in the middle of the post he encouraged his readers—his friends and family—not to lose faith in the God he knows is working in this situation.

Powerful.

If HE can believe so adamantly, who are we to waver?

Sam has claimed a song as “his”, though many speak to him at the moment. However, the one he mentions often, the one he encouraged all of us to listen to, is one I already knew well. It’s by Parachute Band, and the title is simple…”Complete”

Sam’s not feeling great today—this second round of chemo is affecting him differently and he’s nauseous and feeling rather weak. There’s not a whole lot I can do but pray…and ask all of you to do the same. I’m not going to share the link to his blog here publicly, but if you would like to remain connected to his story and be uplifted by what he and Keli have to say, message me. I’ll be happy to share the blog address with you.

Today…for Sam

Complete

Here I am, O God
I bring this sacrifice, my open heart
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
It restores me again

So I lift my eyes to You, Lord
In Your strength will I break through, Lord
Touch me now, let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on, Lord
And by faith I will walk on, Lord
Then I’ll see beyond my Calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

Here I am, O God
I bring this sacrifice, my open heart
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
It restores me again

So I lift my eyes to You, Lord
In Your strength will I break through, Lord
Touch me now, let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on, Lord
And by faith I will walk on, Lord
Then I’ll see beyond my Calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
It restores me again

So I lift my eyes to You, Lord
In Your strength will I break through, Lord
Touch me now, let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on, Lord
And by faith I will walk on, Lord
Then I’ll see beyond my Calvary one day
And I will be complete
Yes, I will be complete in
I will be complete in You

Read

Complete Lyrics

here.

Rambling of Faith

Mother Teresa: one of my faith heroes and childhood icons.

Now recognized as a saint, I believe.

When asked once what she thought the first thing she would say to God when she got to Heaven she replied "I think it will be 'You have a lot of explaining to do'"

This quote makes me feel SO much better.

Because there are those times when that's exactly how I feel. That there's just so much I don't understand.

It reminds me that Mother Teresa, while a giant in her faith, struggled just like I do.

I don't know why my friend was just diagnosed with cancer.
I don't know why my friend's father's spinal cord looks like swiss cheese due to a mass eating away part of his vertebrae.
I don't know why so many people are unemployed.
I don't know why...

But I do know WHO.

And that...that makes all the difference.