ashes

Lent
every year i get to fat tuesday and i start wondering
"hmmm, what should i give up this year for Lent?"

this year, it was more of a pondering
with all that has been given up this year
both voluntarily and with me kicking and screaming
and with all that i've learned this year
about the Grace of God
about being a daughter instead of an orphan
about breaking off curses and welcoming in blessings

with all that charismatic and wonderful stuff
is it even appropriate to celebrate Lent?

still, the stirrings in my soul cry out
to follow a church calendar
to remember the heritage
of a Church more ancient than any worship style
than any living earthly being

to remember Sacrifice
that brought us that Grace
to remember the Son
who made it possible for me to be a daughter
to remember that He was the one who broke off all the curses
and brought all the blessings

there are so many things i'm learning about
about Papa
about Jesus
about Holy Spirit

but today i will begin by asking Holy Spirit for guidance
as to what my Lenten sacrifice will be
i will attend a mid-day Mass
grateful for a Catholic church that will place the ashes on my Protestant forehead
reminding me of the sacrifice of the Son
and i will end the day by attending a class that talks about Father's heart
in a church where i will likely be told more than once
that i "have something on my forehead"

and i will smile and explain
the reason for the ashes

Father, Son, Holy Spirit
all entertwined in this day
all entertwined in my life

this is how it should be

and for these 40 days of Lent
may i remember

observations

i've spent the last few weeks shocked
that i see more hatred from Christians than from any other grouping of people
more judgment, more exclusivity, more "us and them" mentality

and it seems like that cycle is just spinning over and over
that it's getting faster and more and more out of control

until i wonder if anyone will ever hear
simply the name of Jesus
simply the message of grace
simply the love of the Father

how are they going to hear it if we're clamoring loudly
trying to be heard
about politics, other faiths, people within our own faith who we don't accept for who they are?

how are they EVER going to receive a gospel of grace
if we can't even show it to our own, much less the world who needs it?

when in the world did we forget that we're the forgiven
called to forgiveness?
when in the world did we forget that ocean of grace we're standing in
and start refusing to share even a drop with our neighbors?
how did we get to the point that we forgot what Jesus did for us?
because if we remembered
we would want everyone to know it!

when did we forget that not a one of us is better than anyone else?

i changed my facebook status this morning to the following:

Lora B supposes it's pretty easy to "reach your world" if your worldview consists only of those who look, think, and believe as you do

i was kind of surprised at the responses i got from that one. several agreements and affirmations that others were feeling the same pull.

and then within minutes of posting, i ran across something another friend had shared
and suddenly i was hopeful again
that maybe, just maybe
we can all "get it" again

the message is SO simple
why do we have to make it so complicated and exclusive?
God so loved the world
ALL of it
all races, all religions, all sects/denominations within a religion

we're the ones who've perverted it
made it something much more complicated than it is
made a system of red tape to cut through, and hoops to jump
and we are the ones who must return it to it's simplistic glory

God so loved

read the blog post that gave me that hope. it's worth every moment.

Titus 2 Tuesday: Marsha

I read a very disturbing blog this morning by a former classmate of mine. He was literally preaching on the evils of Halloween and how we as Christians are letting demonic activity into our lives if we participate. It was well-written, and he stated that he had researched every point, which I'm sure was true. And I understand and respect the viewpoint. However, I came away pretty disturbed.

The thing is, it was disturbing to me on more than one level.

On one level, I'm disturbed any time a fellow Christian presumes to be more holy than another. Last I checked we are all sinners in need of a Savior. And last I checked, none of us has a corner on all the answers.

On another level, it's disturbing to me because it's how I was raised.

I know Halloween is a touchy subject among my fellow Christians, so I'm not going to go any further into it. Suffice it to say, I've been on both sides of the beliefs on celebrating Halloween, and while I understand the reasoning behind denouncing the holiday, I prefer a more balanced viewpoint myself--understanding the history and celebrating the present.

All of that to say, it really got me thinking.

My parents were certainly not balanced in their beliefs on manners such as this. The churches I grew up in for my young years were not either, and while the church I attended and fell in love with as a teenager was...it was still my parents "standards" that governed my life.

So where DID my balanced viewpoints come into play? When did I learn to think outside the box and believe more and differently than I had been raised to believe?

I can't pinpoint a specific time and place that this began to change, but I can pinpoint an individual who was instrumental in helping me realize that not fitting into the typical mold of Christianity was not necessarily a bad thing.

Her name was Marsha, and she was my professor for quite a few of my education courses. She was tough and didn't take crap from anyone, but she loved us and wanted to see us succeed in the classrooms we were called to.

I found out pretty early on that Marsha and I were two of the few liberals on Trevecca's campus. It definitely bonded us, as we had to stick together! :-)

Marsha was the one who approached me my sophomore year and told me that her neighbors were looking for a babysitter they could trust. I immediately said that she should give them my number and she stopped me by saying "there's something you should know first..."

That's how I began babysitting for the two little girls with two mommies...that's how I fell in love with a family I never would have been allowed to socialize with growing up...that's how I began babysitting for several same-sex couples because it was next to impossible for them to find loving and capable people to care for their children in this area of the country.

One day one of the mommies told me
"I'd love to meet your parents."
Confused, I asked her why. Her response startled me.
"I would love to meet the people who raised a daughter to be both a Christian and accepting of others. You make no secret of your beliefs and viewpoints, yet we have never felt judged or not tolerated by you. You love us and you love our babies."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that my parents would probably not be who she should meet. It was the influence of people like herself and of Marsha who helped me realize that life is not always black and white...that snap judgments should never be made...and that everyone is loved by God, therefore I am called to love them.

Marsha and others have helped me in my classroom full of different faiths, my city full of refugee families from around the world, and my daily life where I meet other people just like myself--broken and unworthy, yet called to be His children.

Marsha moved to another state to consult for their education system when I was a junior. She and I have kept in touch periodically and she's always excited to hear what new things are going on in my life.

I'm so very thankful for her influence and the influence of countless others who helped me to just get out of my box!

Titus 2 Tuesday: Lori

During this season of unemployment (or as I like to call it at this point "underemployment") I have been fortunate enough to maintain monthly appointments with my massage therapist.

I have always suffered with back issues, and since my insurance (because it's not a fantastic company group plan like I had when I was in the classroom) won't cover the pretty regular chiropractic visits I would need, I have, since I began nannying, had regular massages. Right before I lost my job I found Lori.

Lori was recommended to me by a friend, who told me that she first was a great massage therapist and most of all that she's a Christian...and that she will pray over you as she massages you.

So the timing of finding her was amazing. And somehow (only through God!) the money has been there each month to pay her. And the month that it wasn't she insisted that I come so she could give me a massage as a gift. Amazing.

I've felt amazing after each session, not only because of the healing massage, but because I know she was praying constantly as she worked.

When I saw her yesterday everything went as usual. At the end, as I was paying her and sipping a glass of water to rehydrate she said

"As I as praying over you today I very distinctly heard that I needed to tell you that God knows you've been faithful in waiting. That He knows and is aware of your trust in Him...and that great things are ahead. It's been hard, but you've made it look easy...and He knows that and wants you to know."

Oh, how I needed to hear that (without even realizing I needed to hear it!). God is amazing...love those little "notes" from him (to quote my friend Laura).

So thankful.

Monday's Memory -- or not

Today I'm dry from tears cried and I have no new words. So I'm going to simply post a reading that was shared last night at the tribute for Randy and LaJuana and leave that as my post for today. Kind of fitting that I normally do a memory on Mondays...today I'll be reflecting on joyful times spent with these dear friends, as well as the painful growing seasons we walked through together.

(don't worry about me though. I'm sad, but I'm well-loved. And I hope to be back to regularly scheduled blogging tomorrow)

Bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces.

People. People important to you, people unimportant to you, cross your life, touch it with love or carelessness and move on. There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of relief and wonder why you ever came into contact with them. There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of remorse and wonder why they had to go away and leave such a gaping hole. Children leave parents; friends leave friends. Acquaintances move on. People change homes. People grow apart. Enemies hate and move on. Friends love and move on. You think on the many who have moved into your hazy memory. You look on those present and wonder.
I believe in God’s master plan in lives. He moves people in and out of each other’s lives, and each leaves his mark on the other. You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who ever touched your life, and you are more because of it, and you would be less if they had not touched.
Pray God that you accept the bits and pieces in humility and wonder, and never question,
and never regret.

Bits and pieces
Bits and pieces.

Lois A. Cheney, (God is no Fool, 1969)

Goodbye! (but not really)

This is the first of a few scheduled posts for the week. Now that I know how to schedule a blog post...oh dear, world. Watch out!

At this very moment, I am in the parking lot of my church doing one of several things (or a combination):

a. impatiently waiting in a car behind buses that have been loaded for a while but have yet to just MOVE
b. frantically trying to check students in, tell them what bus to get on, and explain that YES, everyone has to put a ribbon on their suitcase and NO they can't pick the color
c. standing on the steps of the bus alternately stating: (to the front of me) "Once you get on you can't get back off. Have you hugged mom/dad/sister/brother and peed?" and (to the back) "I TOLD you, you can't get off. Go sit down."
d. already missing Anthony, who is missing out on camp this year because he's going on his family's vacation the following week
e. sprinting around the loading area trying to find a youth minister for the latest crisis
f. playing with the cool walkie-talkie radio I get to hold as an all-powerful counselor
g. looking forward to an awesome week at Camp Coker Creek

Probably a bit of all of this has already happened by the time you're reading this, and the truth is I really am looking forward to being at camp with our students. It will be an awesome time to watch them grow as people and in their faith, even though there will be moments I wish I were back in Nashville, or at least somewhere with a cell tower.

I go to help lead the kids, but I always learn a lot too.

The learning has already begun for me this year. I told our youth minister last Sunday that I wouldn't be able to go to camp this year because I haven't been working the last 3 weeks since Nancy hasn't needed me much. I told him I had 3 bills due that had to be paid and I needed to be able to work the week of camp to try to make the money to pay them. And he told me...not to let money stop me. That *I* was needed at camp, and that it would be allowing someone else to serve me if I were to accept help.

Friday I was handed an envelope with the cash needed to pay those 3 bills along with a note that read: "Thank you for the blessing you bring to our students and the love you show them. Thank you also for the opportunity to join God in serving you this week!"

I can't wait to be in the position to pay that one forward...what an amazing blessing to be in a church that gets it.

See you all Friday...and I hope you enjoy the posts between now and then! I'll be responding to comments when I get back!

Love to you all,

I said it...

It happened when we were watching the memorial for Steve McNair.

Anthony made the comment that he couldn't imagine how the family of the woman Steve was found dead with (who presumably shot him and then herself) feels. He said "how do you have a memorial service for someone who just committed a murder-suicide?"

And after a couple of minutes I made the statement: "One decision doesn't define a person's life."

I'm sure her family remembers the wonderful attributes she must have had, the little girl she once was. That's what I meant.

But that statement has been haunting me for days now. DOES one decision sometimes define a person's life?

For the last year or so I've certainly thought that my decision to leave the classroom defined life in the moment for what it was. But that has no bearing on how I actually define "me".

I certainly think and hope that my decision to accept Christ has defined my life.
But has it really?

So by making that statement was I actually saying that one bad decision doesn't define a person's life?

And if that's true, can I even accept it?

Because truth be told, I'll never know about the wonderful person I'm sure she was. And though I love who Steve McNair was, part of me will always remember how and why he died. It doesn't change that he was a wonderful person on and off the football field. But it does reshape my view of him somewhat.

The fact of it is...all of us make a bad decision here and there. And while I still maintain that those decisions don't define us...I do think they mold us differently than we once were. Just like the good decisions we make.

It's life, I suppose.

Waiting

*disclaimer: all photos in this post were taken in my poor college/no digi camera days, so please pardon the awful quality!*

When I look back at it, a lot of my life seems to have been spent in line.

Take today for example. I had to wait to leave the house because an ambulance was blocking my car as they checked on the ill son of my next door neighbor (not that I was complaining. I read some of your blogs as I waited for them to be done. And he's ok. I think.). Once I was out on the road, I waited in line at Starbucks, the emissions testing center, and finally the county clerk branch so that my car will be legally driven. I don't normally wait until the last possible moment, but with money so tight this year I did. The lines weren't nearly as bad as I had imagined they would be! And I had the foresight to bring my laptop so that I could get a little offline work done as I waited in the car.

It did get me to thinking though. Which is always dangerous, right?

The longest line I have ever been in was this one:

We were told by our tour guide that we were lucky we were there on a weekday. Weekend traffic was even more. Oh, and that line? Stretched out to nearly double that on the other side of the wall. I don't remember how many hours we actually spent in the line. But I'll never forget the treasures at the end of it.

La Pieta

The Last JudgementCreation

Singing @ St Peter's Square
(I'm nearly smack in the middle with a huge black bag draped in front of me)

Vatican City was amazing. I wasn't even as interested in Catholicism then as I am now, and still part of my heart resonated with every step through this historical and reverant place. I remember stopping at the gift shop because I wanted to buy a rosary. My Nazarene buddies on the trip thought I was a little nuts (what else is new!) but I chose a beautiful one made of crushed rose petals. 7 years later I can still smell the faint hint of rose when I pick it up and run my fingers over it.

Knowing what I know now, I'd love to someday go back, but as many things are it's on my "waiting" list.

There are a lot of things there.

My career path, marriage, children, travel, new homes, a hybrid vehicle, being able to volunteer, etc. And there are times I get impatient and wonder what in the world I'm doing still waiting. It's at those times I'm reminded of simple truths that God's timing is everything and He really does know what He's doing.

If I hadn't waited on his timing I would have never moved to Nashville
If I hadn't been fired I would have never realized His provision
If I hadn't completely put my love life in His hands I would have never dated again

So I wait...and I've learned to be content even though every part of my impatient self screams to hurry up...I wait.

And it's here I've found Him, more so than any other time.

God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try.
- Mother Teresa

I had a moment last week.

The woman I've been staying with as a caregiver goes to a very VERY conservative church. We've had some "discussions" in the past, as I go to a church that she considers very much liberal, too much so (even though by MY standards it's very conservative and a step backwards from what I grew up in...but I digress.)

We've clashed (nicely and politely) about women's roles and worship styles. And I usually state how I feel and drop it because I figure she's not going to change her mind, but I don't want to keep silent on how I feel (for example that what's in your pants doesn't determine if you can actually be called to ministry. Yeah. Don't even get me started!).

After all, nearly 30 years separate us and she's had such rich life experiences. I'm always a little intimidated by that, and I always feel like women who are in her position would never listen to a woman like me -- never married, with no children, and in their eyes still too young to know anything.

However, we were at lunch the other day and she out of the blue said

"Lora, I'm just going to confess my sins to you."

She proceeded to tell me that she isn't a scholar of the Bible "like she should be". She reads her Bible regularly, and she loves and trusts God, but she doesn't feel like she's ever been good at studying the word, or at anything for that matter.

This actually goes on for awhile and I let her get it off her chest.

And when she is done, I simply said

"I don't think you have to be."

I went on to back up that statement by saying this:

- by going to church and Bible study you are learning from people who ARE Biblical scholars (hopefully)
- we're not all called to be scholars. Some of us have the gift of prayer, of hospitality, of caring for others.
- that whole scripture about different parts of the body? Yeah, so being a scholar isn't your strength. You're not a head. Neither am I. You're a mouth, or an arm...and that's ok!
- I think at some point you just have to let the guilt go and realize that God is pleased with you just the way He created you.

I went on to explain that I grew up in a church and environment that was very legalistic and focused on the wrong things. And that I had let it go, and began focusing on what's really important--the relationship. And as long as my focus is on that, everything else just falls into place.

She was silent at this.

We continued our meal, and the conversation organically progressed to other things. I was certain that my words had fallen upon deaf ears as I've so often thought in conversing with her.

However, about 20 minutes and 5 topics later she said:

"You know...I think you're right."

And I wanted to stand and shout right then and there. Because somehow my words helped another woman just lay down some of the guilt. And let it go.
(and maybe she doesn't think I'm such a heathen after all).

My fervent prayer is that I can continue to reach out in the small things.

Sunday's Song

Today I was on the praise team at church (which means worshipping from 7:30-12:30, give or take). It's such a blessing to watch the faces of the congregation, to see them standing impulsively and lifting hands, to observe the changes that are visible on each face. This Sunday was especially "special" though.

Today we talked a bit about our church's history (Dean--our pastor--played a clip from one of the founding minister's sermons which made me tear up--Rubel was the pastor there when I arrived and even though he left us only 2 years after I joined the church he had a tremendous impact on my life. Anthony was affected even more by this--Woodmont is the church he's grown up in). So it was an amazing and sweet service just within the sermon and other elements. Randy (my friend and our worship minister) chose songs that were "landmark" songs for our church, and I thought it was only appropriate that I share the one that was especially important to Rubel. It's an oldie...just warning you...but has special meaning for our congregation and for that reason I love it.

His Grace Reaches Me

Deeper than the ocean and whiter than the sea
Is the grace of the Savior for sinners like me
Sent from the Father and it thrills my soul
Just to feel and to know that His blood makes me whole

His grace reaches me
Yes His grace reaches me
And will last through eternity
Now I'm under His control
And I'm happy in my soul
Just to know that His grace reaches me

Higher and the mountains and brighter than the sun
It was offered at Calvary for everyone
Greatest of treasures and it's mine today
Though my sins were as scarlett, He has washed them away

His grace reaches me
Yes His grace reaches me
And will last through eternity
Now I'm under His control
And I'm happy in my soul
Just to know that His grace reaches me

Isn't that a beautiful message?

By the way, I'll be posting the answers to my "facts" post soon. And there's still about 24 hours left to ask me a question for my 100th post :0)