Monday's Memory: the one with two special women

fall retreat, 2005 

martell, lajuana and i

two of my extra "mothers"

:0)

how blessed this time was with both of them

Monday's Memory: the one with the pink bracelet

i look at this picture and see details

the pink bracelet on my wrist was worn in support of one of the ladies on our retreat that weekend who was fighting breast cancer

(she passed them out.  and she actually took this picture)

3 years later, she’s cancer free

though her life, i'm certain, is forever changed

i am standing next to one of my best friends

lajuana

and we’re in front of gorgeous tennessee fall splendor

she’s in another state now

and while we are still close

things are forever changed

and i remember our conversation that day

when i told her that on one hand, i never wanted to date

never wanted to get married

and on the other i was terrified that i wasn’t “good enough” for anyone

and that i would always be alone

(the first being a direct result and coping mechanism of the second, of course)

and 3 years later

i have the most amazing and Godly man in my life

and of course i want to get married, and be with him for the rest of my life

things are forever changed

i could write about a lot of things that have “forever changed” in the last 3 years

or the last 3 months

or the last 3 weeks

or the last 3 days

you get the picture

that’s something we’re all aware of, isn’t it? 

change.

the only thing that’s constant in our world.
(it's cliche...but it's cliche for a reason)

i've learned to embrace it

to enjoy it

to learn and grow through it

one of my favorite pieces of décor

(which i need to find: note to self)

is a little pillow i hung from the stairs at my condo

and now will hang on the stairs of my “right now” residence

it says “delight in the unexpected”

and i delight to tell you

that i do.

no, it’s not all easy

i mean, come on.

 

but learning that i'm not in control -- He is

it’s been the most freeing knowledge of my life.

re●ve●la●tion

so this weekend was amazing

with the encounter retreat friday through sunday

and then a whirlwind trip to destin, florida

sunday through monday

(i'm happy to report that there is no sign of oil at seaside beach)

somewhere between tennessee and florida

the wheels that had been turning all weekend clicked

and since we had practiced "walking in the light"

(basically being completely honest about struggle/sin)

and had cast out all demonic influences

(including spirits of fear)

i had to share it with laura and meghan

and when i got home, anthony

and now i'm sharing it with you

for a few months i've been increasingly frustrated

that i keep losing 10 pounds (or so)

but gaining back 5

or losing 5 pounds

and gaining back 3

or losing a couple of pounds

and staying stuck at the new weight

because i am eating healthily(ish)

i have a fairly active lifestyle

and i'm young enough that it shouldn't be affecting my weight loss

and i've kind of had the feeling i'm sabotaging myself

with excuses not to exercise

with buying the occasional pringles can

and finishing it within 24 hours of purchase

with other very unhealthy choices

like crappy bedtimes, for example

but i've had no idea WHY the sabotage

(on another note: i've wondered how i let myself put ON this weight in the first place)

well...

here's the "click"

number one

i know myself

i know i have been delivered from my eating disordered past

and i know that i know that i know

that i'm not going to slip into old patterns

however,

because people who genuinely care about me

have made it a point to caution me about "my history"

they've instilled into me

(without meaning to)

a spirit of fear

so while *i know*

i'm not going to screw this one up

when someone says something

(or has in the past said something)

about the fear of me returning to old patterns

it makes me worry that i will

so therein, i lose 10 pounds

and think

"oh no!

what if i DO fall into old habits?"

or i lose 3 pounds

and say

"it could happen..."

well, yes

it COULD

but the reality is

i'm free of that

so why the fear?

because i'm letting other's expectations of me

(or the ones i perceive they have)

define my expectations

and since i perceive they expect me to fall into patterns

i'm trying to "prove them wrong"

(ps, this is how the weight crept on

because i was afraid of appearing to be obsessed with diet and weight

so instead i ate like i didn't care

and stopped moving

fear)

i'm not afraid of that anymore

and i won't let anyone return that spirit of fear into me

it's not from God

and i refuse to accept it anymore.

number 2:

because at my root

i'm a people pleaser

i also don't want to make anyone worry

or be disappointed with me

so if i'm not afraid of failing

i'm afraid of worrying someone

i have to do this for me

and if others worry, so be it

if others make comments

i'll simply "walk in light" with them

so that they know

i know

what i'm doing

so spirit of fear:

be gone

you have no place here

you are not welcome

extra pounds:

you're toast

a divine email

so a few weeks ago i was at the worship service i attend on monday nights

and they mentioned this retreat called "encounter weekend" that i had heard a lot of great things about

and it happened to be on a weekend that not only was i free

but i had also tried to plan several getaways for that weekend only to find out the people i would have been visiting weren't going to be in town for that weekend only.

so when i saw the dates flash up on the screen i thought "hmmm"

so i went online and looked it up

started to fill out the registration materials

but i never hit "submit"

i kind of went along and forgot about it

back of my mind, but not really a conscious thought

and even tried to figure out if it would be a good weekend for A and i to go up and see the indiana folk

and then this week i got an email

giving me the schedule for the weekend

and saying

"oh, if you haven't paid yet just bring your $ to the retreat center"

and i thought

"what?"

surely a mistake

so i started to draft a reply saying

"i think you sent this by mistake, i never registered"

but i never sent it

(i did raise my eyebrows

that the retreat site is way familiar to me

as it's the campgrounds for the denomination i grew up in

and i've been there countless times through the years)

and then last night

my friend laura says

"hey, are you going on encounter? they asked me if i knew anyone that i could room with."

at that point i laughed

and said

"well, it hasn't been in my plan

but SOMEONE sure is planning it"

so long story short

(or, erm, long)

i'm going to a retreat next weekend

and i have no idea what to expect

but SOMETHING is going to happen

of that i am certain.

(i redrafted that email

and sent it off just now)

Painting Pictures

At retreat this weekend, I shared this song with those at my table while explaining it's where I've lived my life for the last few years.

I had to laugh at the timing
as I consider old patterns
and how much easier it would be to use them as I set out to lose this weight.

There's no guarantee I will never slip back to Egypt
it's pretty tantalizing
but I've found life so much better through the desert.

Not sure what I'm trying to say here
but maybe someone else needs to hear this song

So here it is, on youtube
(lyrics following)



Painting Pictures of Egypt
Sara Groves

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

Wednesday's Walk -- my Journey to the Ridge

Today's memory is pretty simple. It's the moment I fell in love with Radnor Lake and Cheekwood Botanical Gardens, both close to where I live in Nashville.

I mentioned in my last post that there were 4 women from my church who were instrumental in my recovery. At their suggestion, I took a "personal retreat" for 3 days in June of 2005. I stayed at one of their houses so that I wouldn't have MY house to distract me, I stayed off my phone (SO hard) and off the internet. It was a time of drawing closer to God and learning more about myself.

On many levels I hated it, but it was exactly what I needed.

The first day I went to Radnor Lake. Honestly, I had lived here for 6 years at that point and I don't think I had ever visited before.

Now, it's important to remember that even though I was at a healthy weight I was NOT healthy. I was eating a very small amount of calories per day, and working most of those calories off. So I decided that this would be a great place to hike off the meager lunch I had eaten. I also chose the most strenuous path in the place--Garnier Ridge.

I shouldn't have. I wasn't in a good place physically and there was no one else on the path. Although I never got dangerously close to an edge, or blacked out walking (as I often did those days) the thought crossed my mind that I could pass out, hit my head on a rock, and it would take HOURS for someone to find me.

It was the first time I ever thought "I could die out here."

It was part of the turning point that my 4 friends and confidantes had prayed for. By realizing that I could die out there it finally hit home that my addiction could actually kill me. I, of course, knew that. In my head. But that was the first time my heart realized the truth.

Before the hike up the Ridge

I'm thrilled to report that I've returned to Radnor many times since that first visit. And I can now confidently hike the ridge without that awful feeling. Recovery has been amazing!

I'm not going to write a whole lot about Cheekwood, except to say that the day I went was a heat advisory day. No one was supposed to be out if they could help it. Which was actually kind of nice. First of all, I was always cold, so it felt great to me! Secondly, I got to enjoy the solace of my favorite spot of Cheekwood by myself. The Japanese water garden...is amazing.

The path leading there

A view of the garden--it was built to be enjoyed from the viewing pavilion, so I made sure to take pictures from that vantage point

part of the "outskirts" of the garden. I have this thing for walkways, roads...