unpack those bags

ahhh, baggage.

sometimes it presents itself in streamlined matching suitcases, shiny and new
other times it looks more like cardboard boxes barely held together with duct tape

both equally dangerous.

people who look so put together but are hiding carefully packed issues right under the pristine surface.

others who let their issues seep into every fabric of their lives, so that it's obvious to even the person beside them in traffic or behind them in the checkout line, much less the people they call friends.

and we all have it. like it or not, accept it or not, we're all carrying it.

which is all fine and good...until it starts leaking.

leaking into our relationships
our personal lives
our friendships
our encounters with strangers even

hopefully our response is to face it head-on
to unpack each layer of hurt and shame
or bitterness
or sin
or mistake

but DANG
it's hard

i just have to keep reminding myself
that it's worth it.

because i'm in this forever

(give it a listen.  worth it.)

He's worth it
all that painful "stuff"
it's worth it
because i'm in this forever

exhaustion

having to be out of this house in a 10 day turn around
the first two days of which i spent working all.day.long
making it an 8 day turn around
quite plainly, sucks

don't get me wrong--i'm still so grateful for God's grace
and abundance in this situation

but it still hurts to say goodbye to this house that i cherished
painted, decorated, loved
repaired,
bought furniture to fit, cherished, planted gardens

and right now my muscles are screaming
my body aches
and i can't remember the last night i slept for more than 4-5 hours

i've had some help
more "troops" coming in tomorrow
(quite honestly i'm embarrassed by what a disaster zone the house currently is)
swallow the pride
accept the help
accept the not knowing what's in each box
because i don't have the time to lovingly, luxuriously pack each one
and others are kind enough to do it for me

right now
i really worry that i won't be done in time

but i know it'll happen
even if i take most of this crap to the dump!

prayers for my stamina, strength, and patience would be much appreciated
and mourning--i haven't mourned the loss of this place just yet and i'm not positive when i'll be able to do that.

off to bed now--perhaps i can get 5 hours of sleep tonight :0)
troops arrive at 9 am
must.be.up.

God is SO good!

*we interrupt the recent tone of this blog to gush just a little*

tonight in the midst of all the turmoil that threatens
(even though it has not enveloped my life--i have SUCH a hedge of prayer protection)
i was invited by a good friend to go to a worship service at her church for 20s/30s

tonight was a different sort of night there
which none of us knew was going to happen
but it was SUCH a God-thing that i was there

and the speaker tonight was from Africa
grew up in a small village
the son of the witch doctor
and one night, at the age of 15
he heard an audible voice telling him to leave his village
and he did

never having heard of Jesus
only knowing the spirit world
but he went
he was obedient
he didn't even tell his family goodbye
just went to the hut of his best friend and told him he was leaving
to which the friend replied
"i will go where you go"

and they went
and just as they were going to turn back and go home
(because they didn't know where they were going)
they realized that they were hopelessly lost
they wandered for two weeks
never finding the trail
or their village

and one day they arrived at another village
where there was a man waiting underneath a certain tree
who said "i've been waiting for you.
come to my house for a meal"

you see, he had dreamed the night before
that two boys would come out of the jungle
and that he was to introduce them to Jesus

and he did
and to this day this man has never stopped following that voice

it was an amazing story
miracles happen today
he was supernaturally given the true gift of tongues--17 languages that he has never studied
(because when he studies them he can't wrap his mind around them)
that's how he was speaking to us
because God gave him English

isn't that amazing?

anyway, i went tonight with a bit of hurt in my heart
knowing that i'm being released from some things
knowing that the obedient step is to let go of some things
some really important (so i thought) things
and after tonight i realize
i'm giving up my keys
(kind of literally, actually)

you see, the man at the end of his speaking to us told us that he had had a vision before walking onto the platform tonight
he saw a clothesline
filled with keys
of all kinds
and they were for US to grab tonight
God's keys
to the amazing work He wants to do through us and in us
keys to governments, evangelism, reconciliation, peace
keys to whatever He wants us to do
and we were supposed to reach out in faith

(those of you who aren't used to quite the charismatic experience--i'm one of you. but trust me, God was telling me through this whole experience that THIS was HIM.)

and at the end
we grabbed our keys
and the man walked through our assembly
laying hands on us all
i was weeping
and laughing
all at once

because GOD IS GOOD
and He's revealing Himself
and His plan
to me in shovelfuls right now

i'm giving up my keys
but i'm receiving God's keys
and they are SO MUCH BETTER than my keys!

and i have to let go of the things that bind me
in order for Him to work

(this is getting long, i know)

before the man got up to speak, this is what i was writing
i think i was preparing for what i was about to hear:

i am to be a 24/7 house of worship and prayer
back to praying at hospitals
i am to travel
to spread His love
to pray over the places and situations i am sent to

making connections
blogging connections
prayers
amazing things
that God is DOING

..... (more of a private bit of what i feel i am being prepared for) ...

but until then
i am to travel
and spread His love

whether it's around Nashville
Tennessee
the US
or the world

you guys, literally as soon as i had written that, the speaker got up and the FIRST VERSE he shared with us was this one:

Exodus 23:20
Behold I send an angel before you to keep you in the way and to bring you into the place which I have prepared

and in response to that i wrote

God has prepared my way

God knows where i'm going
and He is already there!!!

be encouraged today
God knows you too
and He knows your way

i don't know what all this means for me just yet
but i feel like God is preparing me
stripping me of what i thought mattered
to reveal this big huge open door
that He has for me

and it might not be great and marvelous in the eyes of anyone else
and certainly not the world at large
but it's going to be amazing for me
because it's letting God in
in all the dark corners of my life and heart and soul
it's letting Him permeate my being
soak me all over

it's amazing, this journey, y'all...

join me, won't you?

you'll pardon this slight reference to LOST..

Whatever happened, happened.


Ah, Eloise.

the character who seemingly is privy to the most information
utters the most infuriatingly simple phrase
over
and over

"whatever happened, happened."

and that infuriatingly simple phrase
has become a comfort to me somehow over the last few days.

you see, i know Someone who is privy to all the information
more than i will ever know
and i've entrusted my future to Him

and through the chaos that has threatened in the last week and a half
i have remained calm
because

what happened, happened
and i can't do anything to change it
(even if i tried, i might set off another bomb)

all i can do is weigh my options for the future
and trust that One who knows all.

while i'm still not ready to divulge any specific information
please know that i'm doing ok
i really am
i have teary moments
and moments of frustration

but shame, guilt, anguish, and heartache
those have stayed away
and that's because so many of you are praying

please continue those prayers
i should find out the information tomorrow that will set me spinning off in one direction or another
and after i've processed
i'll share here.

i love you all
and i'm sorry i've been absent on your blogs
that will change

...processing...

Out of the Mouths

I have been babysitting quite a bit over the last few days.
And it's been welcome, fun, and challenging (depending on the day/time and family!)
Monday and Tuesday I spent the day with a sweet 2 year old little boy, E.

E has the most adorable head of curly brown hair and the biggest blue eyes ever. He's quite the charmer, and he is SO hard to resist when he's asking for something. I'm pretty good at saying "no" and meaning it, but he seriously is *almost* adorable enough for me to give in to.

But he's being well-parented, and is not overly spoiled, knows good manners, and listens to instructions. Pretty impressive, actually.

We were on the way up the stairs on Tuesday for his nap and he wanted to take a toy with him. We reached the base of the stairs and he handed me the toy so that he would have hands free to climb. As I took it he said "Thank you!"

I replied "You're welcome." and as I ruffled his hair added "and you're adorable!"

He didn't even glance back at me as he answered that with a simple "Yes."

I relayed that story to my friend Laura who laughed with me and pointed out "He doesn't even realize that's a compliment yet. To him, it's a fact. You're 2. And you're adorable. Fact. And it's ok to agree with it."

And as we ended our conversation and I hung up the phone I began to wonder.

When do we lose that?

E doesn't yet know that you can't accept a compliment.
He accepts it as fact because no one has told him he can't.
At what point are we told (outright or subtly) that we can't do that anymore?

At some point we are.
And a compliment ceases to be a fact, and instead becomes an exercise in how we can refute it.

For some, it's replaced with false humility.
For others...me included...it's replaced with all the reasons why that's just not true.

How many times have people complimented my fashion sense and I dodged them by saying some disparaging remark about how the item fits, or myself?
How many people have I devalued by dismissing their genuine compliment?
How often do I brush off a remark about my personality with "it's what I do" or "it was nothing"? It was clearly something enough for that person to mention it...so why do I brush it aside?

A lot of this stems from my personal issues and the fact that I may always have the ever-present voice inside me telling me that I'm just not good enough.

But when I choose to accept that voice for the lie it is, and start listening to the Truth, I need to become more like E.

When someone compliments me, I need to take it as fact.
No ulterior motives
No drama involved
No lies to get on my good side
They said it. It was nice. It must be a fact.

It's not going to be easy. But the biggest negative voice I have to contend with is my own. Everyone else seems to gel with me just fine :0)

What about you?

Claiming This One

It's been a year.
And there is a job that I would LOVE
So instead of just throwing caution to the wind and applying, possibly getting an interview, and waiting for the phone call/letter of rejection
(lather, rinse, repeat of the last 12 months)
I am CLAIMING this job.

And while I'm pretty sure that's not a "this particular place of employment" thing to do...
I'm trusting that this is what I've been waiting for.

It's an admissions/recruiting position (which, hello, I've done before--at Trevecca, as a student, but still) and it would give me the chance to be in the academic world as well as the professional, to travel, and to represent a university that I have found myself liking more and more over the past few months :0)

And so...this is my petition to ask you all to join me in claiming this job, to pray with me that I will represent myself as well as my Father while I go through the process of applying and interviewing.

And WHEN I am given this job we are going to PARTY.

Yes? Yes.

Thanks, dear friends.

Thursday's Ten

Lessons Learned this Week

1. When the 2 year old is quiet...FIND OUT WHY.
2. Sometimes miscommunication is simply not your fault. And while I'm really good at beating myself up for things that aren't my fault most of the time...I'm letting it GO.
3. Kids say the darndest things, and there's a lot to be learned from 2 year old wisdom. More about that later this week.
4. Naps are beautiful.
5. Right when I start to worry about money (for the millionth time in the last 12 months)...God provides me with babysitting jobs that all fit nicely into my already scheduled week...without taking time from dates with the man or time carved out for myself. He's reminding me that He really is in charge here...
6. Lilies are beautiful, especially when they're in an arrangement bought for you by a wonderful man.
7. People at church like the boyfriend and me as a unit :)
8. I may never, ever, develop a normal sleep pattern.
9. My hair is growing a LOT (almost long enough for Locks of Love!)
10. No, really. When the 2 year old is quiet, find out why!

I babysat for my friend Jennifer's 2 youngest yesterday. The 2 year old got quiet...in another room. Short version of the story is that she likes fla-vor-ice just as much as I do, and was determined to gnaw her way through it. This resulted in a wardrobe change, as the purple from the popsicle didn't quite match the purple on her shirt.
(she did greet me with a smile when I walked in on the carnage. and was industriously cleaning the floor with a towel. something tells me this was not her first experience.)

Goodbye! (but not really)

This is the first of a few scheduled posts for the week. Now that I know how to schedule a blog post...oh dear, world. Watch out!

At this very moment, I am in the parking lot of my church doing one of several things (or a combination):

a. impatiently waiting in a car behind buses that have been loaded for a while but have yet to just MOVE
b. frantically trying to check students in, tell them what bus to get on, and explain that YES, everyone has to put a ribbon on their suitcase and NO they can't pick the color
c. standing on the steps of the bus alternately stating: (to the front of me) "Once you get on you can't get back off. Have you hugged mom/dad/sister/brother and peed?" and (to the back) "I TOLD you, you can't get off. Go sit down."
d. already missing Anthony, who is missing out on camp this year because he's going on his family's vacation the following week
e. sprinting around the loading area trying to find a youth minister for the latest crisis
f. playing with the cool walkie-talkie radio I get to hold as an all-powerful counselor
g. looking forward to an awesome week at Camp Coker Creek

Probably a bit of all of this has already happened by the time you're reading this, and the truth is I really am looking forward to being at camp with our students. It will be an awesome time to watch them grow as people and in their faith, even though there will be moments I wish I were back in Nashville, or at least somewhere with a cell tower.

I go to help lead the kids, but I always learn a lot too.

The learning has already begun for me this year. I told our youth minister last Sunday that I wouldn't be able to go to camp this year because I haven't been working the last 3 weeks since Nancy hasn't needed me much. I told him I had 3 bills due that had to be paid and I needed to be able to work the week of camp to try to make the money to pay them. And he told me...not to let money stop me. That *I* was needed at camp, and that it would be allowing someone else to serve me if I were to accept help.

Friday I was handed an envelope with the cash needed to pay those 3 bills along with a note that read: "Thank you for the blessing you bring to our students and the love you show them. Thank you also for the opportunity to join God in serving you this week!"

I can't wait to be in the position to pay that one forward...what an amazing blessing to be in a church that gets it.

See you all Friday...and I hope you enjoy the posts between now and then! I'll be responding to comments when I get back!

Love to you all,

Waiting

*disclaimer: all photos in this post were taken in my poor college/no digi camera days, so please pardon the awful quality!*

When I look back at it, a lot of my life seems to have been spent in line.

Take today for example. I had to wait to leave the house because an ambulance was blocking my car as they checked on the ill son of my next door neighbor (not that I was complaining. I read some of your blogs as I waited for them to be done. And he's ok. I think.). Once I was out on the road, I waited in line at Starbucks, the emissions testing center, and finally the county clerk branch so that my car will be legally driven. I don't normally wait until the last possible moment, but with money so tight this year I did. The lines weren't nearly as bad as I had imagined they would be! And I had the foresight to bring my laptop so that I could get a little offline work done as I waited in the car.

It did get me to thinking though. Which is always dangerous, right?

The longest line I have ever been in was this one:

We were told by our tour guide that we were lucky we were there on a weekday. Weekend traffic was even more. Oh, and that line? Stretched out to nearly double that on the other side of the wall. I don't remember how many hours we actually spent in the line. But I'll never forget the treasures at the end of it.

La Pieta

The Last JudgementCreation

Singing @ St Peter's Square
(I'm nearly smack in the middle with a huge black bag draped in front of me)

Vatican City was amazing. I wasn't even as interested in Catholicism then as I am now, and still part of my heart resonated with every step through this historical and reverant place. I remember stopping at the gift shop because I wanted to buy a rosary. My Nazarene buddies on the trip thought I was a little nuts (what else is new!) but I chose a beautiful one made of crushed rose petals. 7 years later I can still smell the faint hint of rose when I pick it up and run my fingers over it.

Knowing what I know now, I'd love to someday go back, but as many things are it's on my "waiting" list.

There are a lot of things there.

My career path, marriage, children, travel, new homes, a hybrid vehicle, being able to volunteer, etc. And there are times I get impatient and wonder what in the world I'm doing still waiting. It's at those times I'm reminded of simple truths that God's timing is everything and He really does know what He's doing.

If I hadn't waited on his timing I would have never moved to Nashville
If I hadn't been fired I would have never realized His provision
If I hadn't completely put my love life in His hands I would have never dated again

So I wait...and I've learned to be content even though every part of my impatient self screams to hurry up...I wait.

And it's here I've found Him, more so than any other time.

God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try.
- Mother Teresa

I had a moment last week.

The woman I've been staying with as a caregiver goes to a very VERY conservative church. We've had some "discussions" in the past, as I go to a church that she considers very much liberal, too much so (even though by MY standards it's very conservative and a step backwards from what I grew up in...but I digress.)

We've clashed (nicely and politely) about women's roles and worship styles. And I usually state how I feel and drop it because I figure she's not going to change her mind, but I don't want to keep silent on how I feel (for example that what's in your pants doesn't determine if you can actually be called to ministry. Yeah. Don't even get me started!).

After all, nearly 30 years separate us and she's had such rich life experiences. I'm always a little intimidated by that, and I always feel like women who are in her position would never listen to a woman like me -- never married, with no children, and in their eyes still too young to know anything.

However, we were at lunch the other day and she out of the blue said

"Lora, I'm just going to confess my sins to you."

She proceeded to tell me that she isn't a scholar of the Bible "like she should be". She reads her Bible regularly, and she loves and trusts God, but she doesn't feel like she's ever been good at studying the word, or at anything for that matter.

This actually goes on for awhile and I let her get it off her chest.

And when she is done, I simply said

"I don't think you have to be."

I went on to back up that statement by saying this:

- by going to church and Bible study you are learning from people who ARE Biblical scholars (hopefully)
- we're not all called to be scholars. Some of us have the gift of prayer, of hospitality, of caring for others.
- that whole scripture about different parts of the body? Yeah, so being a scholar isn't your strength. You're not a head. Neither am I. You're a mouth, or an arm...and that's ok!
- I think at some point you just have to let the guilt go and realize that God is pleased with you just the way He created you.

I went on to explain that I grew up in a church and environment that was very legalistic and focused on the wrong things. And that I had let it go, and began focusing on what's really important--the relationship. And as long as my focus is on that, everything else just falls into place.

She was silent at this.

We continued our meal, and the conversation organically progressed to other things. I was certain that my words had fallen upon deaf ears as I've so often thought in conversing with her.

However, about 20 minutes and 5 topics later she said:

"You know...I think you're right."

And I wanted to stand and shout right then and there. Because somehow my words helped another woman just lay down some of the guilt. And let it go.
(and maybe she doesn't think I'm such a heathen after all).

My fervent prayer is that I can continue to reach out in the small things.