monday's memory: the one with the signing of lots of papers

exactly one month ago
nearly 4 years (3 years and 11 months) after finding out i was losing my home
we signed papers and became homeowners

anthony for the first time
myself given a second chance
the loan is not in my name. we aren't yet done rebuilding my credit from the horrid hit it took way back then. but my name is on the deed

i feel like it's come full circle. that i am being given back in buckets what was taken from me. so grateful that redemption is a part of my journey. so thankful to have a place that's really OURS. and the timing of this and so much more is not escaping me. 

i'll show you photos of the inside once we get unpacked. so in approximately 6 months ;-)

but here we are in front of our adorable house!

and here is anthony giving emi her first tour of our new digs. thankfully, she approves because we aren't leaving here for awhile!

monday's memory: in the details, He is there

be encouraged -- God sees you, knows you, and loves you
{-me :-)} from this post on august 23

and little did i know that hours after writing those words i'd have an example

because of my scheduled time to arrive at work (9.30 am) there is rarely traffic on my way in. therefore, i rarely consult the traffic app on my phone before leaving my house.

on august 23, however, i did.

and what i saw made me pause. my normal route to work was clogged, apparently. and the secondary way i would have normally chosen was not the recommended way to go. instead, a third way that i wouldn't ordinarily consider popped up as the way i should go.

at first i dismissed it.

but the nagging thought (read: Holy Spirit) kept pressing that i should go that way after all.
and so i reluctantly pulled off the exit. after the light turned green i made my left turn.

and that's when i knew something was wrong.
heart pounding i pulled slowly into the first gas station i could spot
and stepped out of the car to see if my suspicions were correct

sure enough, i had a flat tire. and not just a flat tire that needed a bit of pumping up...a FLAT tire. as in, i'm not even sure how i had made it this far on it, surprised my wheel wasn't damaged, flat flat tire.

and then i had to laugh just a little.

you see, this alternate way that i would have never considered?
the gas station that i had abruptly pulled into?
it happened to be just down the street (about a mile) from where my husband's office is

so he was able to come within moments, drive me to work, and then wait with my car for the AAA guy.

all ended up well
(hello brand new set of tires)

but it could have been the opposite.
my normal way to work? interstate the entire way. i don't even want to think about the ramifications of what could have happened given HOW flat my tire was.

that morning i was prompted to open an app on my phone that i ordinarily would have ignored
i was nudged to follow the instructions on the app even though ordinarily i would have dismissed them and gone a more familiar route

a few hours after all this happened a friend tweeted these words, and i had to smile (and retweet):
"God has never stopped being interested in the details of our lives. so why do we worry?"

i'm sure some people would argue that God isn't interested in the details of our lives
i'm sure some would say that i am imagining the hand of God in this.

and all i can say to that is that i hope they have experiences (as i have) where it is undeniable that God is working even in the tiniest areas of their life. living in disbelief that you are radically loved by God is one of the saddest things i know.

because knowing that the God of the universe, the One who speaks and mountains move is personally and intimately interested in every detail of your life?

it's life-changing, my friends

oh, how He loves us so.

thursday's ten: in transition (again)

if you follow me on twitter or pinterest, you may have clued in that my job title is switching...again.
after 5 years of nannying full or part time (the last 3.5 being for AMAZING and wonderful families who have loved me and i have adored right back) i'm entering a full-time role in a school setting.


it's SO not what i would have ever seen myself doing.
but it's exciting and just...so unexpected!


so in the form of a list, here's a little bit about what i will (and will not) be doing


i will be working FULL-TIME in one place, while teaching lessons on the side. no more waking up each day and reminding myself which "work" i'm driving to!


i will be following a schedule more true to my body clock (for the first time since...ever).  no more 6:30 am start times...my day will begin at 11:30.


i will not be spending one on one (or two) time with children of just one family. that part makes me quite sad, as i'm quite attached to said families!


but i will be able to invest in the lives of multiple children and families.


i will be a bit out of my comfort zone...my job will be supervisory and i'll be second in command which feels like a huge promotion (that i didn't seek out at ALL)


i will be able to complete grocery shopping, lawn & garden work, and other errands/tasks (including pool time!) before i even go in to work most days.


and i will be able to do all those things and still "sleep in" until 8 am or so (most days)


i will be spending more time at home simply going from 45/50 hours weekly (better than the 60 i was working a couple of months ago!) to 32.


because of the above, i will be able to invest more in my friends and actually visit my girlfriends more often :-)


i will earn paid time off, which means that my husband and i can actually take a vacation and not have to worry about lost income 


so, what am i going to be doing?
well...a few weeks ago i interviewed (after being contacted by them initially) with a preschool that is full-inclusion to "just be a sub a couple of days a week".
a week or so after that interview (in which i was told that i would definitely be hired) they called me and asked me to stop by to "discuss my schedule"
when i went in the next day, i was told about this position and tentatively offered it (with the potential starting of it starting in august)
the next day, i contacted them and told them if they offer was extended it would be accepted
and the next day, i was called and formally offered the job (with the new starting time of JUNE)


i'll be the "afternoon coordinator" at this school, which is why i come it at 11:30 and leave at 6(:05).  i'll be making sure staff is supported and on target, troubleshooting anything that comes up, structuring activities to be learning play time, and popping in classrooms every once in awhile myself to interact with the kids. 


i'm totally excited, quite nervous about the responsibility, and quite overwhelmed that my Papa has once again just handed me a job without me looking for it at.all.


the families i am currently working for are thrilled for me, sad to see me go, but completely blessing this in my life. that has been SUCH a gift. i plan to babysit often and even just visit...clients who have become friends are so precious.


there is so much more to the story, regarding connections from a previous unhealthy work environment that i was placed in for a reason and all sorts of other things...but in the interest of remaining professional and honoring even those who i haven't felt honored by...those stories are just not for this blog.


let me encourage you if you are not in this place of "good news" on the job front or anywhere else...He is still faithful. my story isn't all neat, perfect and pretty (as anyone who has read this blog for any length of time knows well)...but it is Glorious, because He has been the author of every page. this current page that looks so polished is a result of the smudges and dark blots on preceding ones...and i'm not naive enough to think that this page will remain as pretty as it is now :-) life is messy because humans are messy. and God chooses to work through us anyway? what an incredible honor, what lavish love He has for us.

in these moments

i'm not gonna lie.

it's been a pretty tough last few days.

beginning with a healing weekend (which was both wonderful and tough) in which i was kind of sequestered
and finding out moments after it was over of the death of a friend's twin brother
(he was a Marine and was killed in action in afghanistan)
and all kinds of crazy stuff in between

i haven't been doing a whole lot of writing the last few days
i've been doing a whole lot of listening
to what God has to say over me
to affirmations from those who love me
and who are walking this journey with me

i'm intentionally seeking time with God
letting Him speak over me
to me
through me

and that's been amazing.

sifting all the grime and pain away from the last few days
His little treasures shine all throughout it
and though i don't find this time easy
it is good.

however, writing is so therapeutic for me
so i will be here
in this little corner of the internet
even when i feel i have nothing of value to say.

may this week open your eyes
to those treasures that He has for you
to the people surrounding you that have been purposefully placed there

may you be able to say
with all certainty
into the face of anything that comes your way

"God's got this"

journey

“It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace…God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through”

- Francis Chan

bear with me

this is a post that's been knocking around in my head for quite a few days.

you would think that because of that...it would be all smooth and polished.

but it's not.  and i have to believe that i am supposed to write it all out here, in it's raw and unadulterated form.

i've sometimes grown weary of well-meaning people saying to me

"well, God has a plan for your future"

when i fully know that

but i believe that God also has a plan for my right now

as i stated, i know they mean well

but it makes me sad to think

that they think

i've been somehow lost and abandoned in all this

unemployment hasn't done that...nor has foreclosure

and i pray that their spiritual eyes will be open 

to the fingerprints of God that are all.over.everything in my life

you see, the journey to get where i am today began well over 3 years ago.  

God was in the midst of amazingly delivering me from eating disorders

and i was feeling a holy (and i purposefully use that word) discontent

knowing that i loved teaching, i loved my students

but for some reason

i was uneasy staying in the classroom

and so i began to pursue other options

i very clearly heard God saying to do this

and i very clearly knew that the family i eventually left the classroom to work for

(the ones who turned around less than a year later

and fired me

with no good reason)

was exactly where i was supposed to go

could i have had any idea of the path i was stepping onto?

no

and i don't necessarily believe that God ordained the family to go psycho randomly let me go

i believe that there was free will involved

and that free will led them to these decisions

but i do believe

that God sometimes gives prophetic words

to people who don't even believe in prophetic words

(to borrow a phrase from one of my favorite pastors, alyn: He's Jehovah Sneaky)

i remember a friend of mine

who most definitely does not go to a church that believes that God is actively speaking to His people

although they wholeheartedly believe in the love and grace of our God

told me that upon hearing of my situation

of being fired suddenly, of the ridiculous nature of the way i was released from that position

all she could think about 

was the verse about joseph

"they meant it for evil but God meant it for good"

(it's genesis 50.20.  in the NLT it's: you intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.)

i remember taking ahold of that verse

and claiming it

not realizing *literally* until this moment as i sit here typing this

that it was actually a prophetic word over me

that God gifted a woman who may not even acknowledge the reality of that gifting

the exact words i would need for the next 2 years

if i had known the crazy and tumultuous at times path the decision to leave the classroom would lead me on

would i have left?

would i have been obedient?

i have no idea

but i hope so.

because of losing my job at the time i did, i was able to step in and work with a family for a few months who have a child with severe behavioral issues.  those mornings with him were some of the most trying of my life.  i had to keep my cool, use techniques for keeping myself and him safe, and...probably the hardest thing of all, pass the neighborhood where i knew the little girl i had loved for over a year was being cared for by someone else.  and yet, i grew.  i maintained patience, learned new coping techniques, and knew that for that moment i was exactly where i was supposed to be.

once the family had found a permanent solution that better fit their family's needs, one of my friends told me that her boss's wife was very ill and they were looking for someone to act as a caregiver during the day.  meeting that family opened up opportunities for me to serve -- taking her to doctor's appointments, and as she regained her strength to lunches and hair appointments and her weekly Bible study.  "driving mrs n" was sometimes a stretch for me...because she was from a very conservative church and i'm fairly certain she thought i was WAY too liberal...but we kind of fell in love with each other.  and i'll never forget the conversation we had one day that confirmed to me that i was exactly where i was supposed to be.

during my time with mrs n, i also contracted with a company to write educational training materials and presentations.  this was purely because of a contact i had from a small group at my church that i babysat for.  i relished the moments of doing something a bit more professional, and i especially relished that i was able to do these things from my office with the window open and a glass of iced tea beside me.  technically i still have the ability to contract with the company, although they haven't used me for a project for about a year...but i'm not worried.  it'll come when it's supposed to :)

as mrs n gained more and more strength and the time i spent with her became more scarce, a friend called me one day to tell me that her office was looking for someone to do data entry "for a few weeks".  those few weeks stretched into a few months, and i felt like i was doing something with purpose.  entering data was quite fun for me...and the fact that i was working in an office that relocated refugees made it so meaningful to me.  i was so sad to see that chapter close, but i had always known it would be temporary...so even though it had been exactly where i was supposed to be it was time to move on.

so, though i had begun teaching a couple of private voice and piano lessons at a studio on music row (also because a friend had recommended me), i found myself with just a couple of lessons a week and a few babysitting jobs here and there.

and this began the first real "break" in the action.  this was the first time in over a year that i hadn't had some sort of regular (if short-lived) income.  of course, shortly after we buried anthony's grandfather...and VERY shortly after that we found out that i had lost my house.  after crying, packing and moving, i realized that an offer i had from some friends to nanny for them beginning in august was now more feasible.  i had told them i'd think about it, because the amount they were able to pay was barely enough to cover my mortgage...and definitely not enough for all my other bills.  well...now i didn't have a mortgage to pay, and the other bills had significantly decreased as well.  after prayer and revelation i realized that i knew (starting in august) exactly where i needed to be.

and then anthony's aunt told me of a friend of hers who needed someone to watch her two children for a couple of months in the summer.  i met them, loved them, and truly enjoyed every moment spent with the family.  i have an incredible thank-you card from them that hangs on my prayer and praise board that serves to remind me that this summer i was exactly where i needed to be.

not a single one of these jobs did i interview for

not a single one of them ended on anything less than positive terms

they were all meant to be temporary

and they've kept me moving

forward and upward

and in the meantime...i had room for a friend and her baby to crash for awhile

i was able to host friends coming through town

and although i don't have as much freedom to offer beds for long periods of time

i can offer a couch...and my heart is still open

and in the meantime...i had time

to help friends pack up and move

to hold babies

to love on God's people

i've had the gift of time

and i hope i've used it well

in the meantime i've rediscovered

that God has been speaking to me all along

and i've found a community of faith where i've been able to explore that

and receive it as the gift it is

i've found spiritual family

not separate from the one i already had

but in addition to

and it's been amazing 

to grow and change and truly realize His giftings and operatings in my life

i have no doubt

that all this time

i've been exactly where i was supposed to be.

the coming months will be interesting

as we are talking more about our future

about how things are changing

and about where God is calling us

and though it frustrates me at moments to not know the answers to those questions

i have to laugh at myself

when i remember all that has transpired since i packed up that classroom

what a journey i've been on

what i've been asked to give up, lay down, and pick up instead

i have no doubt that my journey will lead me back into a classroom someday

but i wouldn't trade these last few years

for anything

you wanna talk life experience?

God has given it to me in crazy abundance.

and i'm certain

that i will remain exactly where i'm supposed to be

even if the "where" keeps changing

because the Who

will never change.