...

i haven't let myself go here

even in my journaling

for 6 months

but damn it.

i miss my house

i miss sitting in the living room

with the walls *i* painted

choosing picture placement on the wall based on my taste

not where a nail hole already was 

cooking in the enormous kitchen

with my OWN pots and pans

and not having to label my food

or worry that someone will use my groceries -- or worse, throw them away

i miss privacy

basic privacy

never wondering if a door is going to open 

and a stranger (to me, home health aid to mr n) is going to walk through my "bedroom" or "living area" for something

or toss my not-yet-dry clothes out of the dryer and onto my bed

because they're just subbing for the regular nurse and don't realize that the laundry room was supposed to be available to me that day

i miss being independent

not feeling like i have to follow orders

of getting my furniture and the few belongings i have here

in some sort of "order" 

so that i don't have to feel belittled by someone commenting on the clutter

of course there's clutter

i moved from 1500 sq feet

to one room

it's easy to say

that i should just move some more stuff to storage

but what should i move?  my grandma's vanity?  or a few mementos of happy times with friends?  or a couple of decorative pieces that i found and placed in the first place i had to call mine?

it's an impossible choice

because so many of what i treasure is already stored away

sometimes i go to storage just to see my stuff

but it always makes me sad

even if it IS just stuff

in all honesty i DO need to do a better job of cleaning and clearing some stuff out of here

but being told that makes me feel about 2 inches tall

and reinforces my feeling of inadequacy

and i'm working my butt off

so when i'm here

i just want to be here

i miss having an open door

for any of my friends to come over

any time

because i always feel like i'm sneaking around

if i have a friend over

(even though i'm not)

because i feel like we have to be "quiet"

and stay out of the kitchen

and that's another thing

oh, how i miss cooking

because every time i go upstairs to make a meal

i feel like i'm in someone's way

so i resort to eating out

or fixing something simple

i miss MY cooking

i miss not feeling like i've royally screwed up

even though i know logically that an error at the mortgage company was what messed this up in the first place

in my heart it's hard not to go to the recording that always plays

"just not good enough"

sometimes i pull into the driveway

and can barely get out of the car

and all i can think of is

"i want to go HOME"

even though i honestly have no idea where home is

i should say 

that as i write all this

i feel incredibly stupid for even feeling this way

and more than a little selfish

but i did lose a lot

a LOT

not just a house

and anthony's family has done SO MUCH for me

i so appreciate the blessing of being provided a place to live

of having emi here with me

of having some of my things here instead of having to put everything in storage

they've been truly wonderful

truly

i'm overwhelmed by their generosity and willingness to walk with me through this

it's just that once in awhile

(though i know i am blessed, that God is my amazing Provider, and that He has placed amazing people in my life)

my humanity comes out

and right now

my humanity

just longs for home

...check the small things first...

so, you know i have this "new" car

and i'm loving it, truly

i've known for about a month that i need a new hose for the turbo

which the guy who sold me the car is working with me to replace

and while that means that the "malfunction" light is on

no biggie

(although i'll need to replace it by winter at least)

so the other day i noticed a couple of times when i would climb a hill the car would seem to struggle

which i thought was probably a side effect of no turbo

and when a warning light came on a couple of times

i looked it up

it was the "anti-slip regulatory" light

the light that warns you that the anti-slip system has somehow been turned off or compromised

it said it could be related to the engine, braking system, or tires

since i knew there was an engine problem

(the turbo)

i just assumed it was related

thursday the car was acting REALLY funny

like the light came on and stayed on

i could barely make it up ANY hill

and on my way down it would skid -- like it was acting like it was on ice

i was terrified

ter*ri*fied

and of course called the guy who sold it to me

panicking

and asking him to PLEASE bump up the time of repairing this

because

surely it was related

ahem

i was on the way to a babysitting job thursday evening

driving like a grandma

partly out of fright

mostly out of necessity (it wouldn't go very fast)

when a car pulled up next to me at a light, beeped

and the person inside began gesturing wildly

and mouthed the words

"your tire is flat!"

um.

that could definitely be the problem

and sure enough

i stopped at the next gas station

it was flat as a pancake

i filled it with air

and have not seen that light again

sigh.

check the small things, lora

check the small things.

(this can obviously be related to many things in life besides car stuff...i'll let you make your own correlations)

Monday's Memory: the one with the trip back from clarksville

we had been dating for about 2 months

went to clarksville

about an hour away

to attend the 50th wedding anniversary of a family (mine) friend

my parents happened to come down as well, so anthony met them for the first time

we had an event with our kids that evening, so we left in PLENTY of time to get back

unfortunately

this is tennessee

and weird, weird, weird things happen on our highways

that hour long trip

took several

because of hazardous waste on the highway and re-routing

thank goodness anthony had a deck of cards in the center console

although we eventually grew tired of playing slaps

ahhhh, good times

(and yes, we're always paranoid now

when driving back home 

on 24)

it's a great day to be very busy

 

moving, teaching, babysitting...that's my day

so i started at 8 am

helping a friend of ours move

took a slight "break" to teach a piano lesson

(which likely burned more calories than carrying boxes and stuff...

since this particular student has special needs

and requires some redirection and restraint on occasion

some more than others

today being "some")

now i'm sitting on a couch

after putting two sweet boys to bed

and although noah, age 3, asked me if i could "sleep over"

i'm very much looking forward to going home 

and crawling into MY bed!

BUT

it's been a beautiful day

(ben totally gets the award for choosing the best weather

on moving day)

((...anthony mentioned today that octoberish would be a good time for a wedding...))

and although i'm tired

it's been a good day

i can only hope 

your saturday

has been too

Fitness Friday: well, that just makes sense

i'll be the first to admit that my sleep cycles are not normal

i'm working on it though

and this last couple of weeks, i HAVE noticed an improvement

besides biting the bullet and actually crawling into bed a bit earlier

the only other thing that's changed is that i'm exercising more

not a LOT more, just more

and then yesterday i stumbled across this article from msnbc

one of the people mentioned states that an hour of exercise can make up for an hour of sleep

so sleep 7 hours, exercise for one

apparently it's the same benefits

erm, i'll have to work up to 7 hours of sleep a night...

but i think that's a definite possibility

especially since my complaint about going to bed earlier is that i can't fall asleep...

same study shows that regular aerobic exercise can improve ability to sleep

well, fall is in the air

time to put on those running shoes!

dear.9

dear kraft foods:

this may be america, but that is most definitely not my cheese.  or "cheese food" as the packaging says.

signed,

one who isn't buying that commercial

dear finn:


you are so sweet, cute and adorable.  however, taking off both your pants and diaper first thing in the morning...while still in your bed?  not so charming.  funny.  but not so charming.


signed,
thankful it was just wet...

dear cable company:

i have been your advocate for the last 5 years.  when others complained about crappy customer service and bad experiences, i stated i'd never had a problem with you.

well, not so much anymore.  since april, i've faithfully paid my bill every month, and you've faithfully cut off my service every month.  come to find out (shocker) you screwed up in the first place.  and from july through the end of september i've been calling every week to try to figure out when you're going to fix the problem.  and let's not mention the number of times you've cut my service off in that process.

pretty much, i hate you right now.  save that one nice person i talked to last week who gave me her personal extension and days/hours she works.  believe me, i'll deal with her from now on.  except when you cut my service off in the middle of the night like you did tonight...

please restore my faith in the system and just STOP CUTTING ME OFF when i'm freaking paying you.  the end.

signed,

if i wasn't sharing space with someone else i'd have SO cut you off by now

dear cancer


would you just back off my friends please?


signed
tired of you

dear fall weather,

could we make a deal and YOU just stick around til spring?

signed,

loving these cool breezes

dear social networking,


i can barely keep up with facebook and twitter...and gave up myspace loooong ago.  now there's something called foursquare, not to mention skype...what?!  

but seriously, i'd like the job that controls the twitter and facebook accounts for a company.  i mean, seriously -- how do you get hooked up with that one?!

signed,
i was late to the twitter party, so expect me at skype in 2014

Thursday's Ten: fall stuff

last week i shared one of my favorite fall things

fall tv

this week...the rest of the good stuff :0)

for the record, i'm not a huge fan of what comes after fall.  but these initial days of breezes blowing through the screen door, tickling the wind chimes, crisp leaves to crunch, warm beverages to delight in...they are what i like.

winter can be skipped.

(although, yes, i'll try to come up with a top 10 list when winter comes too.  most likely #1 will be 'tennessee's is short')

soooo,

my favorite things about fall

1.  bonfires and outdoor activities

2.  starbucks: pumpkin spice latte.  yes please.

3.  actually, pumpkin anything.  and the cinnamon pumpkin fragrance mixes...to.die.for

4.  gorgeous scenery to capture in a picture

5.  pumpkin delights from little debbie.  i haven't seen them yet this year...i hope they're actually back!

6.  being able to walk/run/jog without being completely drenched in sweat from the moment you step outside

7.  football...yes, i'm hooked.  love going to NFL games, love watching it on tv

8.  blankets on the couch and robes at the ready.  and slippers.  ahhh.

9.  fall clothing.  i do love me some comfy clothes

10.  soup season.  oh, how i love comfort food.  oh, how i love an excuse to make soup!



join me, yes?  what are your favorite things about this season?

abundance.2

so, a few weeks ago i remember chatting with God

and telling him, offhandedly, that an extra $xxx a week would be awesome

and was even looking for other part-time nanny gigs to bring that money in

nothing really was materializing

but i wasn't panicking

because i'm pretty solid in the knowledge

that He provides

so

last week i started noticing little things

really little

like going through 2 different fast food windows and ordering ranch for my fries

(i know, SO unhealthy...whatever)

and instead of receiving 1 package, i'd get 2 or even 3

i texted a friend saying

"abundance is following me!"

last night i dreamed
that i was moving into an apartment with my old college roommates
and that we were trying to cram stuff into kitchen cabinets
and every time we made a decision and filled a cabinet
we noticed more and more cabinets
until finally, we had an entire row of cabinets that lay in wait for us
because we had nothing left to put in them
and an extra stove as well
abundance

and then today the final piece of the puzzle

when the office manager for the studio i teach at

called me

as i was sitting on the couch

enjoying the breezes wafting in

watching mindless tv

and editing pictures

enjoying this wonderful day off

and she asked if i were able to take 2 additional students each week

and could i start that as early as tomorrow?

i held back my laughter while we chatted

about the special needs of one of these students

and the time management involved

and when i got off the phone i started thinking

"ok, so with my existing students, the ones that were added last week and these two...

that brings the total to $xxx/week..."

and that's when it hit me

and i REALLY laughed

God.is.Good

don't you ever doubt that one

curveballs that life throws you

don't hold a candle

to the ones He has tucked away!

on the road again!

the month of september has been full of travels

and i've mentioned every trip here (i think)

but haven't really shared much about them.

so here's the very quick run-down.  if you're friends with me on facebook you can see the full photo albums!

first up was labor day weekend.  anthony and i climbed into a car and headed with our friends andy and mandy to the awesome city of st louis.

there we

stayed in an awesome hotel

 

(where we played cards -- and slept a few hours)

found angry birds

went to a cardinals/reds game

ate AMAZING food

visited the zoo

and got in a tiny tram and rode to the top of the arch

later that week, i traveled to downtown nashville

where i got to see a bunch of politicians

including...

bill clinton!!

(i'm such a political nerd.  and it doesn't hurt that i kinda love the clintons.)

the following weekend i went with our youth group to the annual retreat.

middle of nowhere

no connection to the outside world (no cell phone service or wifi)

and absolutely a blast

upon returning from the retreat, natasha and i went to our local barnes and noble

where we met

max lucado!

 

fast forward to the following weekend

where anthony and i jumped in my car and headed to indiana

we visited my parents

and hit holiday world with our friends brian and angie

(who got married this past may)

it was SO fun

and has changed a lot!

we'll definitely be back, hopefully once a year at least :)

 

and this past weekend natasha and i went to arkansas

where she showed me all around her college town

we got hit on at sonic

had some great cookies at her favorite little shop there

and shopped a little

and then

we saw jason mraz in concert!

and then

we got soaked by sprinklers

and THEN

we met jason mraz

and on the way home, we stopped by memphis zoo

where i saw penguins

 

 

(i dubbed these two anthony and lora.  heh )

so yes.  if you've kept track that means that in fact i have not spent one friday or saturday night this month in my own bed

and i gotta say,

it's been a FUN month

but i'm so glad to be settled down for the month of october

with only one possible trip out of state

(i think the cat might stop being mad at me too ;-))