somebody forgot to tell me that it's apparently a monday

this morning began as most wednesdays do

with my alarm going off shortly after 5

unfortunately, it did little to rouse me out of bed

so i lay there for awhile, enjoying my warm bed

(i bought organic sheets on sale not too long ago and they are so.incredibly.comfy)

and i started hearing this strange noise upstairs

and just assumed that it was anthony's grandpa, although it was WAY too early for him to be stirring

and somehow in this meantime

i fell back asleep

sooo, i woke up (again) about the time i should be leaving

and *may* have said an inappropriate word

as i ran to the bathroom to brush my hair and throw on some clothing

and realized that i was still hearing that strange noise...

and THEN realized that i hadn't seen emi yet

which was odd

and as THAT sunk in, the word that i *may* have said earlier *may* have slipped again

as i ran up the stairs in only my undies

to let her back in

(that strange noise was her attempting to open the door -- i was hearing her paw scrape the underside of the door to the downstairs)

it was a pitiful "meow" that met me

and i felt soooo bad

(although, she'd been up there for less than 6 hours...but still)

so of course as soon as i got dressed i had to go upstairs to make sure she hadn't made any...messes...upstairs

thankfully, i didn't see anything out of the ordinary

(although i had to search in low light on tiptoe...)

and after all that, i thought

"well, maybe she won't be so sneaky about coming upstairs with me now!"

because i distinctly remember her coming upstairs with me last night

and i made sure (as i always do) that she headed back down the stairs before me

but i turned my back for a couple of seconds to put something in the dishwasher

sneaky, sneaky girl

sigh

after calling finn's mom (my friend jes) to let her know the craziness of the morning

i was on my way

waaaay late

i arrived and finn was still sleeping

(a miracle in itself)

and when he finally awoke an hour later

i went to get him out of his bed

he was excited to see me

smiling and clapping

i picked him up

and snuggled him close...

...only to realize that his wet diaper 

had completely soaked through his pj's

and now onto my clothing

something tells me i'll be heading home for a wardrobe change later on...

all this before 8 am

wonder what other craziness is in store today?

i'd better get more coffee.

journey

“It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace…God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through”

- Francis Chan

bear with me

this is a post that's been knocking around in my head for quite a few days.

you would think that because of that...it would be all smooth and polished.

but it's not.  and i have to believe that i am supposed to write it all out here, in it's raw and unadulterated form.

i've sometimes grown weary of well-meaning people saying to me

"well, God has a plan for your future"

when i fully know that

but i believe that God also has a plan for my right now

as i stated, i know they mean well

but it makes me sad to think

that they think

i've been somehow lost and abandoned in all this

unemployment hasn't done that...nor has foreclosure

and i pray that their spiritual eyes will be open 

to the fingerprints of God that are all.over.everything in my life

you see, the journey to get where i am today began well over 3 years ago.  

God was in the midst of amazingly delivering me from eating disorders

and i was feeling a holy (and i purposefully use that word) discontent

knowing that i loved teaching, i loved my students

but for some reason

i was uneasy staying in the classroom

and so i began to pursue other options

i very clearly heard God saying to do this

and i very clearly knew that the family i eventually left the classroom to work for

(the ones who turned around less than a year later

and fired me

with no good reason)

was exactly where i was supposed to go

could i have had any idea of the path i was stepping onto?

no

and i don't necessarily believe that God ordained the family to go psycho randomly let me go

i believe that there was free will involved

and that free will led them to these decisions

but i do believe

that God sometimes gives prophetic words

to people who don't even believe in prophetic words

(to borrow a phrase from one of my favorite pastors, alyn: He's Jehovah Sneaky)

i remember a friend of mine

who most definitely does not go to a church that believes that God is actively speaking to His people

although they wholeheartedly believe in the love and grace of our God

told me that upon hearing of my situation

of being fired suddenly, of the ridiculous nature of the way i was released from that position

all she could think about 

was the verse about joseph

"they meant it for evil but God meant it for good"

(it's genesis 50.20.  in the NLT it's: you intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.)

i remember taking ahold of that verse

and claiming it

not realizing *literally* until this moment as i sit here typing this

that it was actually a prophetic word over me

that God gifted a woman who may not even acknowledge the reality of that gifting

the exact words i would need for the next 2 years

if i had known the crazy and tumultuous at times path the decision to leave the classroom would lead me on

would i have left?

would i have been obedient?

i have no idea

but i hope so.

because of losing my job at the time i did, i was able to step in and work with a family for a few months who have a child with severe behavioral issues.  those mornings with him were some of the most trying of my life.  i had to keep my cool, use techniques for keeping myself and him safe, and...probably the hardest thing of all, pass the neighborhood where i knew the little girl i had loved for over a year was being cared for by someone else.  and yet, i grew.  i maintained patience, learned new coping techniques, and knew that for that moment i was exactly where i was supposed to be.

once the family had found a permanent solution that better fit their family's needs, one of my friends told me that her boss's wife was very ill and they were looking for someone to act as a caregiver during the day.  meeting that family opened up opportunities for me to serve -- taking her to doctor's appointments, and as she regained her strength to lunches and hair appointments and her weekly Bible study.  "driving mrs n" was sometimes a stretch for me...because she was from a very conservative church and i'm fairly certain she thought i was WAY too liberal...but we kind of fell in love with each other.  and i'll never forget the conversation we had one day that confirmed to me that i was exactly where i was supposed to be.

during my time with mrs n, i also contracted with a company to write educational training materials and presentations.  this was purely because of a contact i had from a small group at my church that i babysat for.  i relished the moments of doing something a bit more professional, and i especially relished that i was able to do these things from my office with the window open and a glass of iced tea beside me.  technically i still have the ability to contract with the company, although they haven't used me for a project for about a year...but i'm not worried.  it'll come when it's supposed to :)

as mrs n gained more and more strength and the time i spent with her became more scarce, a friend called me one day to tell me that her office was looking for someone to do data entry "for a few weeks".  those few weeks stretched into a few months, and i felt like i was doing something with purpose.  entering data was quite fun for me...and the fact that i was working in an office that relocated refugees made it so meaningful to me.  i was so sad to see that chapter close, but i had always known it would be temporary...so even though it had been exactly where i was supposed to be it was time to move on.

so, though i had begun teaching a couple of private voice and piano lessons at a studio on music row (also because a friend had recommended me), i found myself with just a couple of lessons a week and a few babysitting jobs here and there.

and this began the first real "break" in the action.  this was the first time in over a year that i hadn't had some sort of regular (if short-lived) income.  of course, shortly after we buried anthony's grandfather...and VERY shortly after that we found out that i had lost my house.  after crying, packing and moving, i realized that an offer i had from some friends to nanny for them beginning in august was now more feasible.  i had told them i'd think about it, because the amount they were able to pay was barely enough to cover my mortgage...and definitely not enough for all my other bills.  well...now i didn't have a mortgage to pay, and the other bills had significantly decreased as well.  after prayer and revelation i realized that i knew (starting in august) exactly where i needed to be.

and then anthony's aunt told me of a friend of hers who needed someone to watch her two children for a couple of months in the summer.  i met them, loved them, and truly enjoyed every moment spent with the family.  i have an incredible thank-you card from them that hangs on my prayer and praise board that serves to remind me that this summer i was exactly where i needed to be.

not a single one of these jobs did i interview for

not a single one of them ended on anything less than positive terms

they were all meant to be temporary

and they've kept me moving

forward and upward

and in the meantime...i had room for a friend and her baby to crash for awhile

i was able to host friends coming through town

and although i don't have as much freedom to offer beds for long periods of time

i can offer a couch...and my heart is still open

and in the meantime...i had time

to help friends pack up and move

to hold babies

to love on God's people

i've had the gift of time

and i hope i've used it well

in the meantime i've rediscovered

that God has been speaking to me all along

and i've found a community of faith where i've been able to explore that

and receive it as the gift it is

i've found spiritual family

not separate from the one i already had

but in addition to

and it's been amazing 

to grow and change and truly realize His giftings and operatings in my life

i have no doubt

that all this time

i've been exactly where i was supposed to be.

the coming months will be interesting

as we are talking more about our future

about how things are changing

and about where God is calling us

and though it frustrates me at moments to not know the answers to those questions

i have to laugh at myself

when i remember all that has transpired since i packed up that classroom

what a journey i've been on

what i've been asked to give up, lay down, and pick up instead

i have no doubt that my journey will lead me back into a classroom someday

but i wouldn't trade these last few years

for anything

you wanna talk life experience?

God has given it to me in crazy abundance.

and i'm certain

that i will remain exactly where i'm supposed to be

even if the "where" keeps changing

because the Who

will never change.

 

Monday's Memory: the one with the putt-putt golf

once upon a time
there was a girl who volunteered with middle school kids at her church
and after a couple of years of doing this
2 people in her group moved out
and room was made for more to move in.

one of the people who came in was a woman named lajuana

and she was greatly excited about this, because lajauna was one of her closest friends

 
another person who appeared in this team of volunteers was a guy named anthony

 

and though no sparks flew between them at first

(after all, there was this age difference…

and she wasn’t looking to date anyone, nor was he)

a friendship began to develop 

one of her first memories of this friendship

is this day 

 

when then took their kids to a putt-putt golf course

(and 3 kids showed up)

there was fun, laughter and general silliness to be had

and we think the kids had a good time too.

if anthony is asked about that day, i'm sure he will recall that he won by a landslide

 (his words, not mine)

but i remember that he emee'ed every hole

made us all giggle

painstakingly added up the scores

and told us -- in front of the kids -- that "scotch" was his favorite drink

(it's not)

maybe it's not exactly a fairy tale beginning
but i'd rather have mine.

it's a great day to get cooking

 

i finally got to cook today: yay!

i know i've mentioned before how i hesitate to cook these days, because i always feel like i'm in the way.

well, over the last few days i've really been resenting that

and i decided to heck with it

i live here

i'll cook if i want to, dammit!

this became even more an anthem this afternoon as i discovered that my olive oil was completely empty

(not because i'd used it...)

and i called anthony to vent 

that i hate feeling like i'm in the way, that i'm annoyed that my stuff (even though labeled) is used without asking, that i sometimes just hate living like this

bless him, he listened

and really, all i needed to do was be mad for a few minutes

i came back home and headed straight for the kitchen

take two, with olive oil this time

and i made my tomato soup, my chicken salad, and reorganized and labeled my part of the pantry

i set a pandora station for worship music

and i even chatted with the nurse who is here today

and i was blissful

:0)

i came back downstairs and went outside to my herb containers

i'd discovered earlier today that some of them had revived

so i bought a few replacements while i was out getting the olive oil

and i dug in the dirt a little and planted the new additions

and i was blissful

and now i'm sitting on my couch

watching tv

blogging

and sipping iced coffee with bailey's creamer in it

and i am blissful

no, things are NOT perfect here

but truthfully, things are never perfect.

and one thing is for sure:

i'm not going to be kept out of the kitchen anymore

as long as i'm not trying to cook while one of the nurses is also cooking for anthony's grandpa

i'm not in the way

and if the nurses don't want to share space

that's not my concern -- they can move to another room for awhile

because i live here too

and dangit, i want to cook! 

 

Fitness Friday: revolution

last year i discovered jamie oliver on a whole new level
 

i'm not sure how many of you watched his show but it was amazing.  and now food revolution has grown to be even more. his commitment to promoting healthier choices in cafeterias across the united states is astounding, and i fully support his efforts.  after all, it won't be too long before i will have children eating in a school cafeteria...i consider my attention to this issue NOW as an investment in their future.

(plus, as an educator, it'd be nice to have the option to walk into the school cafeteria from time to time and get a well-balanced lunch when i didn't have the time or energy to pack one.  i'm speaking in the nearer future for that one...God willing)

today's fitness friday is a little different -- i'm letting someone else do the talking.  a fairly famous someone else, and someone who most certainly doesn't even know this blog exists.  yep, i copied and pasted straight from his website...you can find the direct link to what i grabbed right here.

his philosophy so embodies how i feel about food, and i'll remind myself of that the next time i feel a bit guilty for eating a meal of comfort food :0)

Food philosophy

My philosophy to food and healthy eating has always been about enjoying everything in a balanced, and sane way. Food is one of life's greatest joys yet we've reached this really sad point where we're turning food into the enemy, and something to be afraid of. I believe that when you use good ingredients to make pasta dishes, salads, stews, burgers, grilled vegetables, fruit salads, and even outrageous cakes, they all have a place in our diets. We just need to rediscover our common sense: if you want to curl up and eat macaroni and cheese every once in a while – that's alright! Just have a sensible portion next to a fresh salad, and don't eat a big old helping of chocolate cake afterwards.

Knowing how to cook means you'll be able to turn all sorts of fresh ingredients into meals when they're in season, at their best, and cheapest! Cooking this way will always be cheaper than buying processed food, not to mention better for you. And because you'll be cooking a variety of lovely things, you'll naturally start to find a sensible balance. Some days you'll feel like making something light, and fresh, other days you'll want something warming and hearty. If you've got to snack between meals, try to go for something healthy rather than loading up on chocolate or potato crisps. Basically, as long as we all recognize that treats should be treats, not a daily occurrence, we'll be in a good place. So when I talk about having a 'healthy' approach to food, and eating better I'm talking about achieving that sense of balance: lots of the good stuff, loads of variety, and the odd indulgence every now and then. 

 
(and jamie ;)

Thursday's Ten: yummy!

for a myriad of reasons and new convictions, i'm choosing not to observe october 31st this year as anything other than a sunday where i will be together with friends eating, laughing and (yes) watching a couple of movies.  one will be "scary" but does not in any way glorify the day we aren't observing.

i realize this is kind of a polar opposite switch from my stance on the day last year...but i am kind of wrestling through some things and how i want to live my life.  so while i reluctantly participated in the trunk or treat at my church last weekend, will be watching a couple of thriller movies this weekend (which is find to me only because they are thrillers and not specifically about the day), and bought some obligatory candy to eat i will not be observing the date until further notice.

i'll be happy to explain, although all i have right now is how i feel.  and i'm certainly not going to tell anyone else what to do or tell people they can't enjoy the day or celebrate. 

it's just not for me.

i'll be happy to share more in depth what has led me to my non-observance this year if you like...although honestly right now it has more to do with feeling convicted about it than anything else.  i'll be doing research and a whole lot of praying before (a) next year and *definitely* before (b) we have children.

so, i'm not doing a theme this week about costumes or trick or treating or anything else specifically linked to the day...

but i think it's still fun.

what are your 10 favorite...

candies?

here's mine, in no particular order

1. starburst

2. skittles

3. milk duds

4. milky way

5. reese's pieces

6. butterfinger

7. 3 muskateers

8. heath bar

9. bit o honey

10. kit kat/twix

join me in my virtual sugar rush?

:0)

Monday's Memory: the one with the pink bracelet

i look at this picture and see details

the pink bracelet on my wrist was worn in support of one of the ladies on our retreat that weekend who was fighting breast cancer

(she passed them out.  and she actually took this picture)

3 years later, she’s cancer free

though her life, i'm certain, is forever changed

i am standing next to one of my best friends

lajuana

and we’re in front of gorgeous tennessee fall splendor

she’s in another state now

and while we are still close

things are forever changed

and i remember our conversation that day

when i told her that on one hand, i never wanted to date

never wanted to get married

and on the other i was terrified that i wasn’t “good enough” for anyone

and that i would always be alone

(the first being a direct result and coping mechanism of the second, of course)

and 3 years later

i have the most amazing and Godly man in my life

and of course i want to get married, and be with him for the rest of my life

things are forever changed

i could write about a lot of things that have “forever changed” in the last 3 years

or the last 3 months

or the last 3 weeks

or the last 3 days

you get the picture

that’s something we’re all aware of, isn’t it? 

change.

the only thing that’s constant in our world.
(it's cliche...but it's cliche for a reason)

i've learned to embrace it

to enjoy it

to learn and grow through it

one of my favorite pieces of décor

(which i need to find: note to self)

is a little pillow i hung from the stairs at my condo

and now will hang on the stairs of my “right now” residence

it says “delight in the unexpected”

and i delight to tell you

that i do.

no, it’s not all easy

i mean, come on.

 

but learning that i'm not in control -- He is

it’s been the most freeing knowledge of my life.

it's a great day to hike, etc

 

today is one of those days that i'm going to relish

(funny word, relish.  hmmm)

but yes.  i'll relish every moment

from sleeping in

to NOT teaching a lesson

to hiking at radnor lake with my love

to babysitting for a couple of my favorite kids

(who am i kidding -- i have a LOT of favorites) 

so all i have to say is:

allergies be darned...i'm hiking today!

Fitness Friday: to run or not to run?

i've never been much of a runner

i walk pretty fast, so i was able to get 5K times of around 45 minutes when i walked the entire thing

but earlier this year i started running more during my 5K's (maybe 1/2 mile total, but still) and started noticing that i began getting 42 and 40 minute times.

i determined to run an entire 5K soon, and even put it on my "30 before 30" list

(even though my yoga teacher had always said it's bad for your back/knees/etc)

and then

april hit

and after moving me into my new environment

i had a major asthma attack that put me in the ER and required an overnight hospital stay

and i became terrified to run

it took a long time for me to go out for a walk even

and the first time i went hiking i thought i was going to die

that childhood asthma i thought i had outgrown

had come back stronger than ever

but now that it's been a few months and i've done a couple of semi-serious hikes and a nice little 3 mile hike last weekend

i've decided something

next weekend is the 1 year anniversary of my very first 5K

and i'm doing it again

last year i kind of strolled through, simply happy to be out and moving

this year, i WILL run at least half of it

so i've started what many of you have been doing for awhile

the couch to 5K program is what many of you have done

i've chosen a similar program: 5K 101 

simply because it has a free podcast you can download that tells you what to do when.  easy!

today is only my 2nd workout, which means i will only be 2 weeks into it when i do the 5K

but still

i am fairly certain i'll be able to handle it

if nothing else, i'll plug my headphones in and start the training podcast i'm on...

i'll let you know how it goes :)